What Dreams May Come
by lafemmewookita
Summary: After the Star Forge, LS Revan deals with her past and moves to confront the future with or without Carth. Set between kotor (knights of the old republic) I and II. WIP, feedback appreciated.
1. Revelations

The flashbacks hurt. I keep thinking about my choices, my decisions, my moves, mine mine mine. The memories are coming back, faster and faster. What once were regarded as nightmares are now memories. I remember so much of my previous life.

I wake in a cold sweat most nights, a scream on my lips. I remember what I did and who I did it to. Force help me, I raped the Outer Rim in my quest to save it. I slaughtered millions. The road to the Darkside is paved with good intentions. From what I'm remembering, I started the journey with good intentions. At first, I wanted to defeat the Mandalorians. No, that's wrong, more than defeat; I wanted to wipe them from the face of the galaxy. Then, I wanted to protect the galaxy from any outside threat. I could control the lure of the darkside. I could stay clear to my path. The darkside was stronger than I thought. The path was harder and somewhere, the road veered off and I wanted to conquer the Republic so that I could rule it.

My road veered again, and here I stood, fighting for my life on a factory powered by near-dead Jedi. My opponent was much bigger than me. I had my wits and the Force to help me. I was strong for a woman, but I was still a petite woman and my opponent was a mountain of a man, solid with muscle. I was dodging left and right, using the force to add bursts of speed to my flight. I had no hope if he got close enough to exchange blows with me. I ran to the upper deck, panting and sweating. My arms felt like they weighed a million pounds each and it was hard to even lift my lightsabers.

"Are you afraid to fight me, Revan? The lightside is weak, as you are. You always were weaker than me. Do you remember the day we sparred and you showed me the first rule of combat, win at any cost?"

My mind raced as I tried to catch my breath. I knew he was toying with me, but I was willing to go along with it if it gave me a chance to just breathe for a minute. Then, the memory hit me with the speed of a racing kath hound. With the memory came others. I remembered Malak. I remembered why he was so important to me. I remembered why he went down the dark path with me so willingly. My breath was snatched from me as quickly as I tried to catch it. The pain blindsided me and I shook.

Brother. The word and its important meaning raced through my head. Malak was, is, my brother. He was my baby brother and I led him to the Darkside.

_Today was a big day. I couldn't sit still. The masters told me that favorite person in the whole galaxy was coming. We wouldn't be separated again, not unless we chose to be. I was an energetic six year old and I couldn't contain the excitement that bubbled to life within me. I sat at the entrance of the Enclave, waiting for the doors to open and get a glimpse of my parents and the little boy that I barely remembered, but knew in my heart. My brother was going to be a Jedi, just like me. I had so much to show him, if he was going to be half as good a Jedi as I was fast becoming. _

_Then, it happened. The doors swung open and I ran to them screaming "Malak! Malak!" my parents reached to hug me, but all I could see was the little brother, a small boy two years my junior. He hugged me and I wouldn't let go. He wouldn't let go either. We communicated in the way we always had, exchanging promises in our heads._

_The memory fast forwarded a few years and I was sparring with Malak, who had quickly overshot me in height and stature. I stayed small and he was getting big. He beat me at sparring too often. I had to resort to trickery to gain the upper hand with him. We were each other's biggest competition and yet, we were friends too. His practice sword was sweeping to my neck when I Force-pushed him back and flew through the air, laying my sword at his neck instead. _

"_I got you." I crowed in glee, happy to best my little brother. "Your life is forfeit and now you have to clean my room for a week!" _

"_You cheated! You weren't supposed to use Force Powers!" He pouted as he lay on the floor. "You know that they haven't shown us any Force Powers like that!"_

"_I can't help that you're the baby brother and years behind me! I used what I had to to win. Face it, baby brother, you lost and now you're my maid." I stuck out my tongue to mock him and my hand to help him up. Instead of bringing himself up, he pulled me to the ground, laying his sword at my neck. _

"_All's fair, sister dear. I win. You let your guard down. Now, you're MY maid."_

"_Cheater! I won fair and square!"_

"_No, you didn't!"_

"_Yes, I did!"_

"_No, you didn't!"_

"_Yes, I did!"_

"_No, you didn't!"_

"_Yes, I did!"_

"_No, you didn't!"_

"_Yes, I did!"_

"_Children, you both lost. Revan, you shouldn't have violated the agreement. Malak, your opponent showed you mercy. You should appreciate it and not abuse it." Master Vrook came into the sparring chamber, chastising both of us. "Why they allow siblings to spar and train together, I'll never understand. You two fight more than any other combination of people here."_

"_Master Vrook, we fight each other because, well, because it's fun." I rolled my eyes at Malak and he snickered back at me._

"_Well, it's meal time. Go and wash up."_

_The memory fast forwarded again. I was a Knight and Malak was about to become a Knight. I was so proud of my little brother, who now stood almost a foot and a half taller than me. He outweighed me by a good fifty pounds. We hadn't sparred since I received my Knighthood a couple years back. I was looking forward to roaming the galaxy, saving people from their own stupidity with my brother at my side. The ceremony ended and Malak came loping over to me._

"_Well, Revan, you can't be teasing me about being your baby brother anymore. I'm a Knight now."_

"_Malak, you'll always be my baby brother, even if you did become a mountain when I wasn't looking."_

"_Mountain? I can't help that you stopped growing at 5."_

"_I'll have you know, I'm taller than mother was by an inch. That makes me the tallest female in our family in thirty years, you, you, Gammorean!"_

"_Well, Jawa, we can't all be normal sized."_

"_I'll be showing you the error of your ways, brother mine. I would sleep with one eye open and check your sheets before you sleep if I were you."_

"_Children, still fighting? How is it that I always walk in on one of your spats?" Master Vrook approached, shaking his head. "You haven't seen each other in a year, and the first thing you do is fight. I will never understand the ways of siblings. No wonder siblings are normally separated."_

I barely raised my lightsabers in time to parry his blows. With a burst of speed, I raced to the lower decks. I needed time to deal with the memories and the pain and the lack of breath. I needed time that I didn't have.

Almost as if he sensed it, Malak tormented me again. "Yes, sister, do you remember teaching me that first lesson? I can see that you do. Win at all costs, no matter the agreement. Promises are for the weak willed. The strong crush those before them."

"No, Malak, that wasn't what I wanted to teach you. We were ten. I just wanted to beat you for once. You were so much bigger and stronger than me. I just wanted…" My voice trailed off as I realized I was reinforcing what he said.

"You make my point, victory at any cost." He leaped over the railings and landed right in front of me. Again his lightsaber came bearing down on me. Again, I barely raised my lightsabers in time to parry his blows. We exchanged blows, but I knew I wouldn't last. I pulled the Force to me, Force-pushing him back again.

"Falling back on your old tricks, are you?" He taunted me.

"Malak, it's not too late. Turn your back on the darkside. This place is evil. The power here is tainted. Please, come back to the light." I almost begged him. The pain, not in body so much as the mind, was almost making me sob.

"Your lightside is weak. The darkside fills me with a power you can never touch. I am stronger than you in all ways, now." Blows came from every where. His speed was startling. My attention was divided and that would mean my death. I had to start concentrating on the battle at hand, not the memories of previous sparring matches between us. If I wanted to survive, I couldn't remember giggling as children with him over catching our first couple exchanging kisses, the first time we Force-tripped someone or the memory of him threatening the first boy to break my heart.

"Malak, the darkside only leads to death. Come back to the light. I will help you."

"Just as you helped when I lost my jaw? Just as you helped when I was tortured? Just as you helped me countless times? You left me hanging when I needed you most. Do you even remember?"

Of course, I remembered. I remembered the rage I felt when I found out that Malak had been captured by a remnant of the Sith beyond the Outer Rim.

_They held him for almost a week before I could mount a rescue. I remember bursting into the torture room, killing all in my path. I used my darkside powers, Force-lightning and choking all in my path._

_My first sight of my brother terrified me. I thought he was dead until he turned his face towards me. His jaw was gone. His eyes begged me to end his agony. He mewled at me, knowing that I would understand what he wanted. His pain was like a tsunami. It roared over me, threatening to overpower me. I took off my mask and kissed his forehead. I remember crying as I used the Force to heal what I could. I promised him that we would find a way to replace that which was lost. I vowed revenge._

Yet again, his distractions worked. I barely parried the blow that threatened to halve me. Jumping back from him, I spoke. "I remember mounting a rescue. I remember healing you. I remember killing everyone at that base to avenge your pain. I remember when the doctors installed your vocalizer. Do you remember me taking your pain, so you wouldn't suffer? Do you remember me crying as I healed you? I may be the one that went through the mindwipe, but you are the one suffering from a selective memory."

This time, the distraction was on my side. I swept in with both lightsabers glowing. I was at a major disadvantage, not just in terms of strength. I fought, not to kill, but to save. I wanted to save my brother. I had to make every chance count. If I could just fight him to a standstill, he would see the love I had for him through my mercy. I didn't understand how I could go from hating him to loving him with just a few memories restored. However, I did. I loved my brother and I could still see that little boy inside of the shell that he had become.

"Malak, it's not too late. You can still turn to the light. Please, turn to the light." To my horror, I miscalculated as I swung my right lightsaber. I hit the joint of his armor, slicing into his side. I tried to slow my momentum, before I did too much damage but I couldn't. Malak slid to the ground, impaled on my lightsaber. I stared in horror. The pain filled me, time slowed as I dropped beside him. "Don't leave me, please don't leave me. Please, Malak, don't leave me. Stay with me. I'll fix this, I have to fix this. Please don't leave me." It became a mantra to me. I disengaged my lightsaber and cradled Malak's head in my lap. I channeled all the Force I had left into healing him. Even though I knew rationally it was hopeless, I had to try to save him.

"Revan, I…" He started choking. A trickle of blood came out of his mouth, garish on his pale features. "What would have happened if fate had decreed that I was the one who was saved? Could I have been redeemed?"

"I led you down the path, but you chose to keep following it." I couldn't concentrate. My panic was overwhelming me. The grief and guilt clawed for dominance in my heart. I was failing my baby brother and I knew it. I kept trying to heal him. "Please, don't talk, concentrate on healing, please don't leave me."

"For the first time since we started our journey, I can feel peace. I love you, Revan. I can see the light. You are right, the lightside was always more powerful. How could I have forgotten that?" His eyes started to close. He gripped my hand tightly. "Honor me, Revan. Honor me in the old ways. Remember our vow. Remember me, not like this. Remember as I was. I…" His grip was weakening and I could feel that special spark of life venturing further and further from me. I tightened my grip on his hand.

"Don't leave me. Malak, I just got you back, don't leave me. I will honor you, but don't leave me. I love you. Don't leave me." The tidal wave of grief and guilt ripped me from my moorings. It rampaged through me, almost happy to find a home with me again. I could feel the rage coming, dancing a jig in anticipation of the terror it would bring.

"I can feel the darkside coming cough with…in you. You…brought me back…to the…light…don't stray yourself."

"Still looking out for me, love? Going to break the nose of the next boy to break my heart?" I teased to take my mind off his pain. The irony of the situation was not lost on me. Here I sit, the former Dark Lord of the Sith, comforting the current Dark Lord of the Sith as he lay dying. Like a candle, I could feel his flame sputtering.

"Tell me, that pilot…the one from the…Levia...than… will he…break it?"

I half sobbed, half laughed as he asked the question. The irony was getting to me. "Carth is a wonderful man."

"I wouldn't…want…to have to…come back… and break his…nose. Remember me, promise." The flame sputtered one more time and then it extinguished.

My voice cracked. "I promise." The sobs came and I doubled over, laying my head on his chest as his head lay in my lap. "Don't leave me. Please, I just found you again. Don't leave me." I knew it was too late but the mantra kept pouring out of my mouth. "Don't leave me. I love you, don't leave me." I lost all track of my surroundings as I cried and railed. I rocked us back and forth. Broken lullabies that I sang to him as a child came out of mouth. "Hush little baby, don't you cry, Revan's going to…Don't leave me, don't leave me, please don't leave me. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, don't leave me, please don't leave me." I didn't remember I was on a space station with countless missile salvos heading my way. I didn't remember that I had friends waiting for me in a landing bay. "I will honor you. Don't leave me. I will always remember you. Don't leave me." Tears soaked both of our robes, his crimson and stained with his blood, mine dark brown and stained with his blood and mine.


	2. Bearing a Heavy Burden

I started when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I still don't know how long I sat there with Malak's head in my lap and my face pressed into his chest, desperately listening for a heartbeat that wouldn't come. I looked up and saw Carth. The fates placed him in a beam of light, he radiated in what seemed like a beam of all that is good.

"We have to go. The Republic is attacking and it won't be long before this station blows and takes us with it." His voice was cold. I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"Help me. Malak… I need… "I couldn't put words together. The thoughts were too painful to enunciate. I was drowning in the sea of agony.

"Help you to what? We're going to die if we don't get off this station right now. I'm not risking my life or the life of the crew for the body of the enemy. Let's go, Revan." It was almost as if Carth spit the last word, spit my name at me. I could feel the anger pouring off of him.

"Carth, if you won't help, then go ahead to the Ebon Hawk and I'll bring him. I made a promise. There are so many promises that I've broken through the years, whether I remember them or not, I still broke them. I won't break another one. I have to honor him. I have to keep the promise. Don't you understand? You know how sacred a promise, a vow can be." I stood and got ready to drag Malak's corpse through the station after me. He was heavy and my ability with the Force was tapped. Rationally, I knew I wouldn't make it with Malak's body slowing me down. However, I wasn't rational at this point. I was in pain from a thousand wounds, physical and mental but there was no way that I could break the most sacred promise made. I may not remember my home, my culture, hell, what my home planet was, but I remembered the promise.

"Is this promise worth your life and the lives of the rest of the crew? Malak was going to slaughter all of us. He's still trying to slaughter us, this time from beyond the grave. Revan, let's go, now. Leave his body to burn in the pyre of his station." Carth tugged my hands, trying to break my grasp of the scarlet robes.

"I… can't." I continued to tug on the heavy body. The rational and survivalist side of my brain was flabbergasted at what I was doing. The part of me that is Darth Revan stuttered in shock. However, the part of me that was and is simply Revan was in control.

"Fine, get the hell out of the way and let's go. You owe me an explanation." The words were cold and sharp as a vibroblade. Carth picked up the body and started running for the door. I did what I could with the Force to lighten the burden.

We entered the room where Bastila waited, performing the Battle Meditation that was so very important to the Republic. "Move it, this place is going to blow." Carth yelled as he trotted past Bastila's kneeling form.

"Carth, what are you…" Bastila's eyes were wide as saucers as she took in the fact that Carth was carrying Malak's dead body. She didn't get to finish her thought though because Carth interrupted.

"No time, move it." Bastila's gaze wandered over to me as she rose and started to follow. I sent a thought through our bond.

_ I've remembered more of my past. I'll explain later._ I hoped that would be sufficient as my body was quickly tiring and even using that much Force hurt.

_I'll expect a full explanation as to why we are dragging the dead body of the galaxy's greatest enemy away from a burning space station._ Now there was the Bastila I knew and sometimes hated. Her pretentious tone almost made me wish that I hadn't turned her from the Darkside and instead just killed her. Maybe my life would be easier. No, thoughts like that led to the Darkside, I mentally rolled my eyes and continued staggering after the pair of them.

_Bastila, can you ease the burden on Carth? I'm sure Malak is heavy._ Bastila missed a step as she took in my request.

_You ask for more than you think, Revan._

_This isn't up for discussion. We're all going to die if we don't get off this station. You can do something to help us survive. Stop being so selfish with your Force powers._

_Me? Selfish! How dare you! Bastila's anger washed over me._

_I have neither the time nor the energy to argue this with you. Your anger shows how far down the path of the Darkside you have traveled. Help to save us or stay behind. Either way, it's your choice. I'm too tired to care right now._ All too true, I was tired, tired of not remembering, tired of having to deal with everyone else's problems, tired of running and fighting for my life, just flat out tired of it all.

_I will help, for Carth's sake._ Bastila sounded like she begrudged even that amount of assistance. I kept my mind focused on making it off the Star Forge alive. One foot in front of another, not letting my mind wander down memory lane and definitely not letting my mind focus on the recent battle and revelations.

Honestly, I was shocked, with all the forces we had to battle through to get to the final confrontation that there wasn't anyone in the halls. The three of us entered the hangar we had stored the Ebon Hawk in. Canderous and Juhani ran to meet us.

"We need to get out of here, now. The Republic is shelling this station and it's not going to last much longer." Canderous took in Carth's burden. "Republic, why the hell are you carrying that thing?"

Carth shrugged his unburdened shoulder towards me. "Ask her. It's her burden, some damn promise that she was willing to kill us all for." His tone, cold before, got even colder. I could hear the winds of Hoth whipping through me as his words registered. Canderous took the burden from Carth's shoulders and we all ran towards the freighter. We could all hear the shelling of the Star Forge around us. The explosions reverberated throughout the hangar. Dust and then debris started falling from the ceiling.

The Ebon Hawk seemed too far, my vision started wavering and I could feel all the blood in my body rushing to my head. I knew I was going to pass out and I tried to tell my friends. "I don't feel so…"

Author's notes:

You like me, you really like me! blush I want to thank all of you for the wonderful feedback. I'm not sure where the overall story is going, as I don't have much of a plan or outline. This story started out as a dream that I had. I woke up with tears streaming down my face. The next night, I dreamed a little further into the story, which is what I'll be posting in the coming days. From there, I know that I want to tie into KOTOR II.

I will say this, I know that you run around the game saving people left and right. It's kinda cheesy to think that after slaughtering gadzillions of peeps that you could save Malak just by a couple of words...all I can say is that there is the beginnings of a plan there. Also, I'm one of those crusading do-gooders that's out to save the world from itself, so I'll take what redemption I can get ;).

Finally, I will insert the mandatory begging for more feedback. This is my first fan fiction. Some of those of you who have given feedback are my inspirations and the reason I started my own story. I know I can't do nearly as well as you, but I thought I'd give it a try. You all are beautiful .


	3. Mourning

I came to on the Ebon Hawk with no idea how I got there. I didn't know if we were still on the Star Forge, where everyone was and if my friends had honored my request to have Malak's body. I started to sit up when I felt a hand on my shoulder, pressing me down.

"Just relax. That's the young for you, they just don't know when to sit back and enjoy the ride." I had never been so relieved as to hear Jolee's grumbling.

"That's because the young's too busy trying to save the old." My voice sounded frail, even to me. "How long was I out? Are we off the Star Forge? Did Canderous and Carth bring Malak aboard?"

"Bah, I don't have time for all these questions. You're not in such great shape. You've got a concussion and you have quite a few slices."

"Look, old man, I couldn't care less about me. I need to know what's going on. I have things that need doing."

"Well, you won't get to them in the shape you're in. To answer your questions, missy" I rolled my eyes at that one. "We're well away from the Star Forge. We're en route to the Rakatan homeworld. Among much complaining…err… debating… Malak is in storage. They don't understand what's going on. Didn't you explain anything?"

"You knew the entire time, didn't you? You knew who he was to me and you didn't warn me? You didn't tell me a damn thing? How could you be so cruel?" As weak as I was, I still wanted to fire up a lightsaber and enforce my point. I was angry, beyond angry, I was raging inside.

"Yeah, missy, I know. The crazy old coot, been too long away from everyone so he's playing games. Well, let me ask you, what would you have done differently?" If I'd had advance notice, some type of warning I would have… would have what? I would have done the same thing that I did. In the end, Malak seemed to turn his back on the Darkside. What good would have knowing anything have done for me? The place for anger wasn't with Jolee.

"Nothing. I wouldn't have done anything differently. I'm sorry, Jolee. Did you explain to them why?"

"Nope, not my place. It's your place to explain what's going on. I'm just the crazy old hermit living in a tree, remember?" I smiled at that one. "Let me finish pumping you full of kolto and then you can go explain to the troops." After the coldness from Carth, a man who supposedly loved me, and the rage from Bastila, I was dreading the coming discussion.

Carth's voice came over the ship's intercom. "Prepare for landing. It looks like we have a greeting party waiting for us. There's at least two squads of troops and what looks to be the Jedi Council."

Am I a bad person because I was relieved that the discussion was postponed? What a sad commentary of my current mindset that I'd rather take on the whole of the Republic than explain to my friends that I led my brother down the path of the Darkside and then abandoned him there. To myself, I freely admit that I'm a coward. "Jolee, you better hurry with the pumping because all hands are going to be needed." I pushed his hand off my shoulder and sat up. I barely felt dizzy and took that for a good sign.

With the exception of Carth, we all made our way to the boarding ramp, weapons at the ready. We had no idea what kind of reception we would receive. Carth finished the landing procedure and secured the Ebon Hawk. I punched the button for the ramp to descend and made my way out to greet the welcoming committee.

Master Vandar walked towards me, "Greetings Padawan Revan. On behalf of the council, we are glad to see all of you in one piece. Hopefully, with the defeat of the Dark Lord Malak, peace will soon reign." I quickly took my hand off the lightsabers that were never far from my grasp.

"Thank you, Master Vandar. Your kind words do all of us honor." I inclined my head as I approached, in a pseudo-bow to acknowledge his remarks.

"Padawan Shan, I am pleased to see that your journey to the Darkside was brief. We have much to discuss with you. I look forward to hearing of your journey as we make our way to the Council's encampment." I turned to look at Bastila as Master Vandar spoke. Although it was small, I could still see her flinch. The true depths of her apprehension leaked through the bond we shared.

_Bastila, I'm sure that everything will work out for the best. You knew it would not be as easy as saying that you were redeemed to truly be redeemed._

_I still do not look forward to the interrogations. _

_If you need anything, don't hesitate to call on us. We are all here for you._

_Easy for you to say, Revan. You were redeemed because you couldn't remember anything._

_Bastila, that's unfair. There were multiple points along the journey that I could have turned to the Darkside. For example, when you offered to be my apprentice instead of Malak's. Remember? _I mentally raised one of my eyebrows at her.

_I remember. Perhaps I am not as far from the Darkside as I had thought._ By this point, the rest of the crew had joined us. Carth greeted his Admiral with a crisp salute and a smile. The previous coldness seemed only directed towards me.

Master Vandar spoke up once more. "We will have a celebration to broadcast your crew's bravery and deeds to the galaxy." This time, I mentally grimaced. All I needed was for the galaxy to know that I was alive and kicking. I had too much to deal with and not enough time to have to put up with the big "come and get her" that was about to be broadcasted around the galaxy.

With that thought, I remembered that I still hadn't seen Malak's body. I wasn't sure what kind of state he would be in. I didn't know if he was tossed in a corner like a piece of trash or if my friends had laid him out respectfully. On the tail end of this thought was the overwhelming grief towards the entire situation.

"Master Vandar, I have some personal business to attend to before I can celebrate anything. Could we delay the celebration by a day or so?" My crew looked at me questioningly. I couldn't answer without betraying to the Council and the Republic hierarchy just what I had done and what I asked the crew to do.

"We will honor that request." Master Vandar almost seemed to know what was going on. "You have two days. It will take that long to get everything assembled to properly celebrate the events."

I inclined my head in thanks and made my way back to the Hawk. As I passed the crew, they all watched but no one said a word to me. Each set of eyes had a different expression, a different question. How was I to explain that I forgot the most important person in my life, the one person I vowed to keep safe and secure? How was I to explain the Malak was my brother and I failed him as only an older sister can?

I kept my head held high and my gaze straight ahead. I felt Mission following behind me. The doorway to the storage room loomed in front of me. Suddenly, I was scared at what I would find. I was also hopeful. Perhaps Malak wasn't dead, perhaps I had only assumed that he no longer breathed. My rational side was losing out to the irrational again.

I slapped my hand against the lock. I missed and had to keep slapping. With every failure to open the door, my grief rose higher and higher. Soon, I was choking on the tears that had overwhelmed me back on the Star Forge. "Force, why won't the door open? Why can't I even open a door?"

A blue hand grabbed my flailing hand. "Revan, I'll get the door." Mission, Force bless her, was there to help. She didn't ask any painful questions, she simply offered her support. She put her had firmly on the lock and the door slid open.

My vision tunneled to the still form lying on a storage shelf. Dimly, I heard a wailing sound and the shelf raised. No, that's wrong, I fell to my knees and my voice keened my grief. Mission's arms went around me in a hug. I pushed the side of my face into her stomach. She made soothing sounds at me, if she spoke actual words, I didn't understand them. My rational side fought for dominance and eventually surfaced enough for me to pull away from the comfort and approach the still frame of my brother.

"Mission, could you get me water and a cloth? I need to bathe him."

"Sure thing, Revan. I'll be right back." Mission scampered off and I was relieved that the questions were postponed further.

I reached my trembling hand out. I slowly drew it across Malak's forehead and down the side of his face. The blood he had coughed up had dried to small flecks across his face. His vocabulator was no longer gleaming silver, instead it was the color of dried blood. There was a small trickle of blood from Malak's nose. "I never meant to forget you. I never meant to lead you to your death. I never meant for any of this to happen. I loved you. I never meant any harm to you. I love you, Malak. I will honor you."

"You love him? Well, that's that then, right, Revan?" At the sound of Carth's voice, I turned and saw him leaning in the doorway. "You might never have meant him any harm, but he sure meant to do the things he did. You might have forgotten the damage he did, but I haven't. He killed countless people, slaughtered them when he destroyed their planets. He killed my wife, took my son from me and you love him. I don't understand you, Revan." Carth turned and walked away.

"Carth you're right, you don't understand. I don't think you want to understand. You make your assumptions and we can all either go along with them or get out of your life. Malak was a very important part of my past. But, he's not my future. You are." Carth stopped his movement. "At least, you were. I will explain what's going on. I promise." I hoped he would turn around and hug me, call me beautiful or acknowledge me in some way. Instead, he continued to walk away. His shoulders were slumped, almost as if in defeat. Mission said something to him and put a hand on his shoulder as she returned to the storage area. Carth shrugged her hand off and continued to walk away.

"Just let him go, Mission. He has a lot to deal with right now. We all have a lot to deal with. I'll talk to him when we've all calmed down a little."

"I know, Revan. It's gotta be important for you to do this, if you were willing to risk your safety to bring him along" Ever since I returned to the Ebon Hawk, Mission had suddenly become the adult and I was the child. She was wise beyond her years.

"Thanks, Mission. I appreciate the support. I'll explain it all to you, I promise."

"I know. So, what do we need to do? You want me to get you some clothes to change into? You're covered in blood, you know." I looked down at my clothes for the first time. I could see where I had bled over my robes and where I had held Malak in my lap. His blood had pooled and stained my clothing. The entire ensemble was ruined beyond repair and would have to be trashed.

"I will finish this part. I'm sure I'm going to get more bloody washing Malak's body. I have to prepare him for the funeral rites." My voice cracked and the tears came to my eyes again. I swiped at them almost angrily. I had more important things to do than to cry. Mission only looked at me and started to wipe the blood from Malak. I watched her as she worked and realized that she was helping with no questions asked. She trusted me to justify why she was washing the dead body of the Dark Lord of the Sith.

"He was my brother." It came out as a croaked whisper. I wasn't even sure if I had actually spoken until Mission turned her head towards me. The shock in her face turned to understanding and I was once more engulfed in a hug.

"I'm so sorry, Revan."

"He was my brother and I killed him. I failed him. I killed the person who used to mean the most to me in the world. What's next, Mission? Who's next? Who am I going to fail next?" The tears fell and I could do nothing more than cling to Mission harder.

"You'll only fail us if you keep weeping and wailing like a woman instead of acting." Canderous' harshly realistic voice echoed from the doorway. I turned and faced Canderous. "You will fail all of us if you don't get to what you need to do. You're foolish to think we have time for you to keep crying and mourning your enemy."

"He was her brother, you chumba-head. She's not mourning her enemy, she's mourning her brother." Mission spit out. "Why don't you go away so we can finish what needs to be done?" Mission turned my shoulders so that I turned my back on Canderous.

"There's no way either of you will be able to lift that body. When you're ready for the pyre, I'll carry him." I could hear Canderous' boots walking away. So, Canderous accepted that there was an obligation here, but I wasn't sure if he understood.

All too soon, the preparation was done and it was time for the final goodbye. Canderous carried Malak to the pyre I'd prepared and laid him on it.

"Brother mine, you and I exchanged a vow to protect and honor each other. I failed the first but I won't fail the second." Before I lit the pyre, I looked around. All the crew was there with the notable exception of Carth. As I walked to each corner and lit the pyre that would finish off what I had started, I spoke the rites we had learned as children. "For the sun-filled day that was your life, for the night that engulfed it, for the dusk that eclipsed the sun and for the dawn of your new life, I love thee and honor thee. The Force guide you and keep you. We of your clan honor you." I placed the torch over Malak's folded hands and added my own addendum. "I will not forget you again, Malak. Be at peace and know that you were loved." I stepped back and watched as the fire consumed the only blood family that I had.

One by one, my friends and new family came up and hugged me and walked off. Bastila was the first, followed by Juhani, Zaalbar, Mission and Jolee until only Canderous stood by my side. He was a solid presence beside me. The fire burned to ashes and finally, Canderous placed a hand on my shoulder. After a slight clasp, he left. Unknown to me, Carth lingered in the woods watching.

The sun was starting to rise. It was time to explain to my new family.


	4. Explanations

I started the walk back to the Ebon Hawk. I dragged my feet, kept my head down and concentrated on the numbness I was feeling. There were no more tears to be shed. As I walked, I tried to formulate what to say.

Should I be brutally honest, "I killed my brother Malak?"

Should I try for a light tone, "Hey guys, I had a pretty funny realization, Malak was my brother. That's why I had to burn him."

I just hoped that the Force would guide me to the right words for the crew to understand. There was really only one member of the crew that I wasn't sure how to tell, how do I justify making him bear the body of the man who ordered the slaughter of all he held dear? Malak killed not only Carth's wife and planet, not only corrupted his son, but killed all the hopes and dreams Carth didn't even know he had until they were gone. How do you explain the betrayal? The only answer I could formulate was that you can't. There are no words that can justify this betrayal.

With this realization, my pace slowed further and my shoulders slumped further. I felt like I had killed all the hopes and dreams that were unacknowledged within my own heart. This all was too much to handle. I wanted to run away from the following confrontation. I wanted to find somewhere and hide.

Without realizing it, I started up the ramp into the bay of the Ebon Hawk. The crew was sitting around, almost as if they were waiting for me.

"Revan, you need sleep. This discussion can wait." I started at the sound of a voice. Jolee was offering me an unexpected delay. The coward in me wanted to accept. Instead, I raised my head and shook it.

"I won't put this off any longer. All of you deserve to know why I put you in danger for the body of the Sith Lord. Even though I know there is nothing that can explain why I would put an enemy's body before your own lives," At this, I scanned the room and let my gaze pause on Carth. "I will do my best. During that final duel on the Star Forge, I remembered more of my past. Malak was not just the Dark Lord of the Sith. Malak used to be a little boy that followed at my heels and worshipped me. He came to the Jedi because of me. Normally, as I'm sure some of you are aware, the Jedi do not train siblings together. Family causes attachments, which we all know are frowned on. However, the Council made an exception and allowed Malak and I to train together." Carth's face, a scowl before that refused to meet my eyes started to widen as he processed what I just alluded to. "Malak wasn't only my dark apprentice, he wasn't just a follower, he was my brother. I led him down the path of the Darkside. They say the path to the Darkside is paved with good intentions, I can say honestly that it is. Malak and I were devastated when the Mandalorians slaughtered our family. We made a vow to do all that we could to keep that from happening to other families. We also vowed, as we started down the dark road, that if anything were to happen to either of us, we would honor the other in the way of our people.

"I'm sorry to have endangered all of you like I did. Malak turned into an evil man. Not all of his choices were forced upon him by me. He has his own blame to shoulder. He destroyed worlds and families." Again, I scanned the room and looked at Carth. I hoped I saw the glimmer of understanding in his eyes. "He did to those worlds what we vowed we would stop. I did to those worlds what we vowed to stop." I took a deep breath and continued to gaze at the floor, not able to meet anyone's gaze for long.

"I killed my brother in that battle, not just the Dark Lord. I failed him." My voice started to break. I was wrong earlier when I thought there weren't any more tears. I swiped at my eyes, impatient with myself and took another cleansing breath. "I made a vow, one I remembered. I had to do what I could to honor that vow. My brain was not thinking of anyone's safety. At that point, I could only remember the little boy following me everywhere I went. I would have stayed there, stuck in my grief if it wasn't for you, Carth." Once more, I looked up at Carth. A fragile smile broke on my lips. "I thank you for that. I thank you for the sacrifice you made to bear the body of the man who ordered the slaughter of your people. I thank you for being the man you are.

"I also apologize to all of you. There are no words that can express how truly sorry I am. If you'll excuse me, I really need a moment to myself." For lack of a better word, I fled to the girls' quarters. I dropped to the ground into a meditation pose. I cleared my mind and concentrated on a healthier nothingness. I could hear the muted voices out in the common area but I didn't really take them in.

A soft footfall heralded the ending of my meditation. I felt calmer and less weighed down with the grief. I stayed in my position as I listened to the closing steps. Mission's head popped through the door.

"Hey, you want some company?" Her voice was tentative. I hadn't heard that tone from her before. I'd heard brash, brave, happy and gloating and even taunting, but never tentative.

"Yeah, I think I'm ready for some company." I waved my hand at her to keep coming into the room.

"Wanna play some pazaak?" Her ever present side deck appeared in her one hand. I was always amazed at how dexterous she can be. I also knew that I was about to lose more money. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at pazaak, but Mission was always better than me. Somehow, the financial loss was well worth the comfort the routine would give me.

"Sure, let me get my deck." I dug around in my chest for my deck.

"I'll spot you twenty."

"Mission, I may have just gained and lost a brother in the past day and a half, but I sure don't need your pity at pazaak. I'm going to beat you this time." I gave her a smile and was rewarded with one of hers in return.

"Tough talk, Revan. Fine then, I'll still clean the floor with you." Too true, her statement was all too true. I'd never beat her yet and I still couldn't stop myself from trying.

We made our way out to the common area and the table set aside for the game. I could hear someone in the swoop hangar fixing something and Juhani was in the cooking area. I could hear Jolee mumbling to himself in the medbay. I couldn't see anyone else. I was also unwilling to tap into the Force to find out. Call me a coward, but I didn't want to know what they were feeling towards me right now.

Mission and I started playing and I quickly started losing. She wasn't kidding when she told me that she would clean the floor with me. Not only did I owe her fifty credits, I also had to do her share of the chores for the next month. I was literally stuck cleaning the floors, my least favorite chore.

"Uncle! I cry Uncle, Mission. I give up; you've taken me for all I'm worth. Go find another mark." Mission smirked at me with an "I told you so" expression on her face. "Stop gloating, it's unbecoming of a lady your age. You have no respect for your elders." Mission's smirk expanded into a huge smile and I could tell she was holding back giggles. "Did I just sound like Jolee? I did, didn't I? Ugh, I need a walk." I comically slapped my hand to my forehead and faked a swoon. With the sound of Mission's giggles ringing in my ears, I made my way outside.

I walked aimlessly, no purpose in my mind. All too soon, though, my path led me to the ash covered ground of the funeral pyre. I sat down on a log and stared at it. The sky darkened into dusk and I didn't move.

"Amazing to think that a man with that large of a presence and influence could be reduced to such a small pile, isn't it?" Carth's voice echoed out of the oncoming darkness. He sat down beside me, careful not to touch. That small carefulness hurt. Before that final battle, Carth would have put his arm around me or held my hand. He would have at least allowed his shoulder to brush mine. I was tempted to see what he would do if I leaned into him, forcing the contact.

"There is no death, there is only the Force."

"Right, well, I'm no Jedi and I'm not sure I buy into that."

I didn't know how to reply to that. I could lecture and sound like Bastila. I could come up with some random story made up on the spot like Jolee. I chose to be myself and sit there quietly, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It didn't take long.

"So, where do we go from here? Do we keep going along?" Carth's voice sounded unsure and slightly shaky.

"What we are we talking about? Do you mean the whole crew or do you mean us?" There's that coward thing again. I wanted to make sure that I didn't open myself up to anymore pain.

"I mean us. What are we going to do? Where are we?" I almost jumped out of my skin when Carth touched the back of my hand where it rested on the log between us.

"Carth, I can't keep apologizing. I'm hurting and you're hurting. I don't know where we are. I don't know what we are going to do. I only know what I want and where I want to end up. Somehow, though, I have this feeling that the galaxy is not going to let that happen. Why don't we wait until after the celebration to have this discussion?" I could hear that cowardly little voice in the back of my head chanting, please please please.

"Revan, I love you. I want to make this work. I just need you to communicate with me. I need to know that you want this too."

"I want, more than anything, to have this work. I just, well, I just don't know if outside forces are going to allow us to have a happily ever after." My shoulders, already slumping, hunched forward more. Carth's arm draped over them and pulled me so that my head rested against his chest. He enveloped me in his arms and just held me. My arms wrapped around him and held on with a manic strength. "Can we just have now and forget that tomorrow's going to happen? Can we just be us for now?" My voice was muffled but I knew he would understand me.

"Beautiful, your wish is my command. Let's go back to the Hawk and let tomorrow take care of itself." We got to our feet and walked hand-in-hand back to the Hawk.

Wow, more feedback! You all make me so happy! I was really scared to post the story, but I'm glad it's so well received! I will definitely keep it coming! Your kind words made my day, my week, heck, at this point, my life!

I had this one thing I wanted to have happen but Carth appeared in my story instead and I adore him so much that I let him stay. It will happen eventually. In the meantime, keep the feedback coming, I love the attention… feed my teeny-tiny ego please!


	5. Dreaming about Revelations

Author's note – I was told I forgot to include disclaimers so here goes… if I owned anything remotely Star Wars related, I'd be a very happy happy woman. Instead, I'm stuck toiling all day around boring numbers… So translate that to mean that I don't anything to do with Star Wars, KOTOR, KOTOR II or anything like that at all.

For those of you that asked, the Exile will show up eventually, I'm just setting the stage and hope to be tying in eventually. Like previously said, I don't have much of a plan… I'm letting the story take me where it wants to go.

Warning – I cannot stand Bastila, so I am not going to be kind to her.

Also, I'm having some formatting problems so… Bold and italics are mental/telepathic thoughts and regular italics are dreams or visions… hope that makes sense. Anywho, read on and enjoy. Please feel free to send feedback. I love feeling the love from all of you.

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_The floor and the air of the command deck were cold. The atmosphere was thin and getting thinner. There wasn't much time to finish this duel. There were three Jedi arrayed against me and I laughed at the sheer audacity of their belief. Did they really think that only three Jedi could take the Dark Lord of the Sith? Both of my lightsabers glowed red, almost as if in anticipation of the blood about to be spilled. I didn't break a sweat dispensing them. I tossed a cocky hand gesture to the remaining Jedi bearing a yellow dual-bladed lightsaber, beckoning her forward._

_Instead of Bastila approaching me, however, Malak stepped forward._

"_Do you know why I turned on you?" The question was delivered in a calm methodical voice. His jaw was intact. My brain raced, this isn't what happened. Malak wasn't on this ship. He was on his own flagship and he shot the bridge, enabling Bastila to drag my body off and set the rest of the quest in motion._

"_You aren't supposed to be here. I should be facing off with Bastila. Then you fire on my ship and the next thing I know, I wake up on the Endar Spire." I looked around in confusion; Bastila was nowhere to be seen. The bodies of the Jedi I just killed were gone also. The ship was completely abandoned._

"_Revan, there are things that you should know, things that affect your future. You still don't remember much of your past?" A small sad smile hovered over the lips that shouldn't be there._

"_I remember brief snippets. I get a feeling that I've done something before, I see a face I know that I know, I remember quite a bit of our childhood." A happier smile ghosted across Malak's lips. "I don't remember much about being Darth Revan, the Mandalorian Wars or any of that."_

"_You will need to remember this more recent path if you are to save the galaxy. You need to focus on remembering. There are forces coming together that could end the galaxy." I grimaced at this thought. I thought I'd been done being the savior of the Republic. We were having a celebration tomorrow and everything. What happened to my happily ever after. I mean, I know I made a mess but I cleaned it up, didn't I? I got rid of Darth Malak, I got rid of the Star Forge, and I deserved some peace and quiet._

_It was almost as if Malak heard my thoughts. Then again, we were in a dream, maybe he could. "You haven't finished cleaning up your mess. Haven't you ever wondered what we saw in the Outer Rim that sent us in search of the Star Forge? Concentrate on that and your path will be clear."_

"_Dammit, Malak, you're being as obscure as the Jedi Council. Can't you just tell me what mess I haven't gotten to so that I can finish the cleaning?"_

"_Your pilot is stirring, I cannot linger much longer. Concentrate on the Outer Rim." Malak raised his hand to my cheek and slowly brushed his hand down my face. "I thank you for your kind words at my pyre, Jawa."_

"_Don't go yet, Malak. I need more time. Please." It seems that I am destined to spend the near future begging for things that I can't have and crying. The tears pricked my eyes and I knew that they weren't only in my dreams._

"_Just remember my words. Stay clear to the path and I will be here. This isn't goodbye, there is no death, only the Force, remember?" Malak disappeared off the ship as quickly as he had appeared. I tried to reach out and grab his hand before he disappeared, but I was too slow. My hand slowly dropped to my side. Tears streamed down my face._

"_It isn't goodbye, Gamorrean. I won't let it be." _

With that thought, I woke up to feel Carth shaking me and smoothing the tears from my face. I looked at him and realized that we weren't destined for the happily ever after we were thinking. I wanted to lock that thought out of my head and surprised Carth by grabbing him. I pulled his body down on top of mine, almost as if to hide me from the world. I wanted him to shield me from the tomorrow that was here.

"Hey, beautiful, what's wrong? What were you dreaming?" He looked concerned.

"It's not over, Carth. Would you wait for me if it took a long time to finish?" My voice sounded frantic to my ears. I was shivering with all the emotions churning through my body, apprehension, guilt, grief, love, joy, despair and so many others I couldn't label.

"What are you talking about, Revan? What isn't over?" In addition to the concern in his eyes, he had confusion lurking in those eyes that made me fall in love with him.

"This battle isn't over. It didn't finish just because I killed Malak. This whole situation was bigger than Malak and me. There was more going on and I need to remember it. I need to clean up my mess."

Knowledge slowly dawned in his eyes. "Are you remembering more? We'll need to talk to the Admiral and you'll need to talk to the Council." The tomorrow I had been dreading arrived in full force as Carth changed from concerned lover to Republic war hero.

"I have a meeting with the Council today." Almost as if she had been waiting for the cue, Bastila's voice came through the bond.

_**The Council requests your presence. There is much to discuss.**_

**_I will be there shortly. I am in the middle of something._** I could feel Bastila's blush through the bond as she took in the fact that Carth was laying on top of me.

**_Um, right, sure. I'll convey your, um, sentiments to the Council. _**I laughed out loud at the thought of Bastila being speechless. I realized that I might have to do more things like this to keep her that way. I liked her quiet instead of preaching about everything.

"What's going on now, beautiful?" I will never get tired of hearing Carth call me beautiful. Rationally, I knew I wasn't. I was short, my hair looked like a womprat had gnawed on it and I was covered in scars.

"I've been summoned. Bastila made an appearance conveying the request of the Council. It looks like you'll have to meet with your admiral all on your own, big boy." Carth rolled off me and we took our turns in the 'fresher.

With a quick kiss and a tweak of my nose, we parted outside the Hawk and made our way to our respective commanders. His was an actual commander, mine, well, I just let them think that. I don't think they were too happy that I was still a rogue agent. I may believe in the Jedi Code but I sure didn't buy into the all-powerful and all-knowing Council act. Adding to this lack of respect, I sure didn't appreciate how they had manipulated me from the beginning.

It was with this dour attitude that I made my way up the boarding ramp of the Council's ship and greeted Bastila.

"Like what you saw earlier?" I smirked at her. Maybe she'll stop being so intrusive in the future.

"You know attachments are forbidden, Revan. I really should not be subjected to that type of activity." Her voice was prim, proper and oh-so-annoying. I guess I was wrong on the intrusive assumption.

"You could always give a call on the 'link. That would be a hell of a lot less intrusive. You wouldn't be subjected to any type of activity like that and I wouldn't have to worry about you salivating over the goods in your spare time." I was being snarky, I admit it. She's been rubbing me the wrong way from the time I rescued her from the swoop gang war on Taris.

"Salivating over the goods? How dare you!" She sputtered. It's not really traveling down the dark path if you get a small, ok, large amount of joy from seeing the preacher sputtering, is it?

"I dare quite a bit, Bastila. Perhaps if you dared some, you wouldn't have been so easily turned to the Darkside." With those closing words, I made my way past her into the temporary council chambers. The room was, in all reality, the common area of the Council's ship. Bastila followed behind me, muttering darkly underneath her breath. I wasn't too concerned with her when I saw that the full Council was arrayed in front of me. There were a few Jedi I didn't recognize from Dantooine sitting in wait.

"Aw, Padawan Revan, we are glad that you could join us." Master Vandar really deserved an award for being such a diplomat. The whole Council had to have heard my confrontation with Bastila. Instead of remarking on it, they chose to ignore it and start out with small pleasantries. Unfortunately, I wasn't in much of a mood for small talk.

"I didn't have much of a choice. So, what all did we need to discuss? I want my future back."

"You always were quick to anger, Revan. That is why your fall to the Darkside was so complete." Master Vrook steepled his fingers in front of his face and glared at me over the point.

"There are many paths to the Darkside, Masters. Anger is one way. Arrogance is another, as I'm sure Bastila can attest. We all have our little foibles, don't we? If certain members of the Council are not careful, blatant ignorance will be their downfall." Master Vrook's glare deepened. Bastila flushed at the pointed reminder of her recent fall.

"We are not here to discuss anyone's imminent fall." Master Vandar again took the diplomatic route as his gaze shifted between Master Vrook and myself. "We are here to discuss the revelation to the galaxy that Revan is still alive. We also need to discuss the other threat to the Order and the galaxy." So the Council was aware that there was another threat. Perhaps this time, they would be more forthcoming with details as to the nature of the threat.

"Look, Honored Masters," I was still a little upset at Master Vrook's contempt so the term wasn't as polite as it could be. "Reveal my presence, don't reveal my presence, I'm not sure that I care which way. There is another threat out there that is far more important than the redemption of Darth Revan."

"What do you know of this threat, Revan?" Master Vrook arrogantly demanded of me.

"Why don't we play a little pazaak, gentlemen? I'll show you my cards if you'll show me yours first."


	6. Confrontations & Visions

Not sure if I like this chapter or not, so please review. It didn't flow as nicely as I thought it would... suggestions and comments would be greatly appreciated.

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Master Vandar beckoned me to the only open chair. He seemed to ignore the disrespectful tone of voice that I used. Master Vrook, on the other hand, looked like he was about to go into apoplectic shock. His mouth kept opening and closing like an Ithorian Eel pulled out of the water. If my future wasn't so dependent on the discussion that was about to take place, I would have laughed at the sight. Instead, I wondered if perhaps my sarcasm had just sealed my fate.

"I'm not much of a Pazaak player, Jedi Revan. However, we are all willing to share what information we can." Master Vandar had a small smile on his face. Then, the significance of that one word hit me.

"Jedi Revan, Master? When did I get the promotion?" I sat down gracefully. I hoped my tone was a bit blasé, as if the answer didn't matter.

"You passed the trial set before you. You found the Star Forge and destroyed it, for the betterment of the galaxy. We could not have asked for more from a Jedi Master. We find that a promotion is superfluous."

"So what you're telling me is that I earned a promotion for killing the brother that I was not informed I had? I knew that the Council disapproved of attachments, especially with family, but I was not aware of the extent of hostility." I couldn't keep the sneer out of my voice and off my face. I admit that I was still torqued that the Council had withheld such a vital part of my past.

"You persist in thinking that we exist only to deny you. The only hostility in this room is on your part, Jedi Revan. Masters, I do not know why some of you thought that she had changed." Master Vrook's acerbic voice broke into the conversation. Perhaps it was just my impression of the master, but he seemed to almost spit the title and my name at me.

"I have changed, Master Vrook. I am no longer the innocent initiate. I do not live to only please you and do your bidding. I have realized that you are playing judge, jury and executioner with my past. You dole out what you want me to know and refuse to give me the autonomy to decide whether I travel a path or not. I am no longer the lightsaber you point in a direction to take care of your problems." I hadn't really planned on giving voice to the feelings within me, but now that they were out in the open, I couldn't find it in me to regret them.

"I understand the meaning behind your words, Jedi Revan, but there were reasons for the decisions we made. There are those among the Council that regret not informing you of your past. Out of curiosity, if you were aware of your connection to Malak, what would you have done differently?" Master Vandar asked me the same question that I've been asking myself. I don't think that I would have done anything differently.

"I cannot dwell on what could have beens, should have beens or would have beens. Reality is more important. The facts are just that. We cannot go back in time to make any changes. I'm sure that this sounds unbelievable, but I did not come here to rehash the past. My future is important to me. So, why don't you tell me what I need to know so I can decide what I'll do about it?" I sat back a little further in my chair, stuck my legs out and crossed my ankles.

"As you wish, Jedi Revan. Let us move on. What do you remember of the time you spent in the Outer Rim with Malak?"

"How about you tell me what you know and I'll let you know if it sounds familiar?"

"You persist in being argumentative and confrontational. Masters, I'm sure that I'm not the only one who tires of her games and poor attitude. There must be other options." Master Vrook spoke up.

"Master Vrook, we have already discussed this at length. She has a right to be wary of our involvement." Master Vandar played the diplomat between us. I don't know why Master Vrook and I could not get along. I knew the answer lay in the past that I could not remember.

"I also have a right to be addressed personally. I am not a figment of your imagination nor am I a statue that is sitting here looking pretty." I sat up a little from my previous slouch. "Now, Master Vandar, you were expanding on the Outer Rim?" It was hard to keep from crossing my arms defensively in front of my chest. I didn't want a physical clue to my emotions.

"Unfortunately, we know very little of your time beyond the Outer Rim. We were hoping that some of your memories had surfaced that would aid us in investigating any further Sith threats. We are aware that there are already movements within the Sith to replace Malak. What little we know, is on this datapad." Master Vandar floated a datapad over to me. I grabbed and put it in a pocket within the folds of my Jedi robes. "Have you thought of any plans for the future, Jedi Revan?" To me, the question was said a little too innocently. It made me think the Council was up to something and/or putting their noses where they didn't belong.

"I've been to busy reacting to the present, Masters. I was hoping to take some time to deal with the recent events. After that, maybe I'll be more comfortable making plans."

"We would like your help in exploring the continuation of the Sith threat. There are too many rumors and not enough people to ferret out the truth. Your recent actions show that you are a valuable asset to the Jedi Order."

"I appreciate the kind words, but I need time."

"We understand. All we ask for now is that you review the information on that datapad. Should you need clarification or would like to discuss the information, I hope that you feel comfortable talking to any of us. I am always available to aid you, Jedi Revan." Master Vandar showed why he's one of my favorites. He was kind and compassionate.

"Thank you, Master Vandar. I will review the datapad. It's the least I can do for the Council."

"Thank you, Jedi Revan. Now, we have much to do to prepare for the celebration today. We will see you at the Rakatan temple later today." It was an obvious dismissal that I was quite happy to take. I inclined my head at each of the Council members around the room and made my way down the ramp.

Once I was off the ship and a safe distance away, I paused and took a deep breath. I could feel the tension draining from my body as I breathed in and out. Without conscious thought, I started walking again. I ended up sitting on the log where I had watched the funeral pyre burn Malak's body. I drifted into a meditative thought, staring at the ashes that still littered the charred ground. Memories washed up and down, like waves on the ocean.

_The air coming off the ocean was warm. There was a slight breeze, carrying a slightly salty tang to it. I was sweaty, tired and miserable. I was also filthy and covered in blood. Jolee and Juhani didn't fare much better. The defection by Bastila had rocked all of us. It was hard to believe that she had turned to the dark side. I'd turned down her offer to have her as my dark padawan._

_As our trio approached the Ebon Hawk, we were greeted by the rest of the crew. Everyone wanted to know where Bastila was. I wasn't able to answer. I was a little ashamed that I was unable to turn her back to the light side. Juhani and Jolee broke the news as I stood there, unable to meet anyone's eyes. Carth's voice broke into my haze._

_"That's it, then. You did it. I knew you could do it. I knew you would turn away from the dark side." He grabbed my hands in his as he spoke. He told me what rocked my world and put it back on its axis. "I love you." All I could do is respond in kind. I told him I loved him and I meant it._

The day moved on as other memories drifted through my mind.

_I was a child, learning how to wield a light saber. The light saber was heavy for such a small child, not just in physical weight but also in historical significance. At the Master's command, I thumbed the button that ignited the blade. My Master's voice lectured me on the severity of the moment. "We normally do not train one as young as you in the art of the light saber. However, you are far beyond your years in ability and the Council has decided that it is time to begin your training." I stepped my way through the katas that I was shown. I did those katas daily with my practice light saber. The color eventually changed to the blue that I currently yield. One light saber became two as the years progressed. I liked the balance of having one in each hand instead of the double-bladed light sabers. The two handed fighting style required more skill and more practice, but I didn't mind. It was an honor to build my own light saber and progress along in my training. I could feel the leaps and flips as I trained myself to be better and better. I knew something momentous was coming and I wanted to be prepared for it._

The vision changed once more.

_Malak and I stood in a garden. He was a foot taller than me and not done growing. I had reached the height I would be doomed to stay at. It didn't seem fair that he should be so much taller than me. We had just been given our first mission together. The excitement of the honor of Malak's first mission as a Jedi Knight was contagious and we were anxious to begin. It was an important mission; we were to journey to a planet that was on the brink of civil war and try to mediate a peace. In honor of his formal coming of age, Malak had finished the tattoos of our people across his scalp and down his back. These stripes marked him as a man in our culture. To me, they were beautiful. I couldn't help myself as I traced their lines._

_"My little brother, all grown up. You are fully a man now. Our parents will be so proud of you. You realize that the planet we are journeying to is quite close to our family. We could visit and you could show off for them." _

_"You know that we are forbidden attachments, Revan. Seeing our parents would only foster attachment to them."_

_"We are already attached, Malak. We come from them, the attachment formed at birth." I felt a bit of irritation at my brother's strict adherence to the rules._

_"You know that we are not supposed to see them again, Revan." Malak's tone was exasperated with me. I felt the same towards him. Our parents, irregardless of our talent with the Force, were still our parents. We had a duty to them. _

_"Well, then, you don't need to see them. I, on the other hand, am going to visit. I miss them. I want to see them again. You can continue on and start the mission."_

_"If you want to go against our teachings, then I will accompany you."_

_Brief snippets from our visit flashed in front of me, our parents' smiles, the warm feeling the family visit created and the peaceful feelings. _

The sun passed its zenith and started the way towards sunset. I kept staring at the ashes. They seemed to dance in the breeze. The black circle on the ground stayed. I wondered how long it would take for this blight in the forest to clear. From there, my mind wandered to wondering how long it would take for the blight in the galaxy caused by my rash actions to be cleared. It was almost as if I was the darkness in the galaxy.

_"Malak, the Star Forge is our only hope. We need its ships and strength to meet the enemy successfully. You and I know that the invasionary force is bigger than anyone can realize. We saw only a small part of it and it was bigger than the Republic's forces." I gestured emphatically towards the viewport. Outside the viewport was an armada of ships ranging from snub fighters to capital class ships. These ships were created by the Star Forge that we stood upon. The dark side fueled this station and it was starting to affect me. I found my temper, always something that I had a problem controlling, rising more frequently. Just yesterday, I found myself torturing a subordinate that dared to backtalk me during a meeting. I was shocked at my actions but at the same time, I reveled in them. I was becoming a cruel and callous leader. I justified this to myself that I never asked of one of my subordinates anything I wouldn't first be willing to do myself._

_"Revan, I fear that this station is corrupting our very souls. Look at us, the dark side is eating away at us. You hardly ever go anywhere without that damn mask. I haven't seen your face in months." Malak's frustration and temper were easily apparent._

_"You know the reason for this. No one would believe little me could be the Dark Lord of the Sith. I'm too small and, too female. The mask and cape hide that. You know this ruse is as necessary as your vocabulator in achieving our mission." I admit that I was starting to lose my patience with my brother. He was so unwilling to bend the rules. Even now that we were on the dark side, he still would not bend. His stiffness was hampering our movements. His lack of creativity gave power to our enemies._

_"But, Revan…"I interrupted him._

_"Do not dare to address me so familiarly in such a public place. Remember your place, apprentice." The last word was spit at him. With those we command, respect is the only commodity keeping us in power. His lack of respect allowed others to disrespect with seeming impunity. I would have to teach him a lesson._

_"Yes, Master. Whatever you say, Master. I am ever your humble servant."_

I could see the beginnings of why Malak attacked me from behind.


	7. Moving On

Author's Disclaimer - I know I don't own them. While I'm admitting all that I don't own, I also don't own my car, my house or my computer.

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With that revelation, I realized it was almost time to put on a fake smile and listen to the story of my redemption at the celebration. I really wasn't looking forward to my presence in the galaxy being revealed. Unlike the Council, I could see the bounty hunters lining up and drooling in anticipation of hunting me down. I could see the different planets looking forward to putting me on trial and executing me. Inside, I could see where the Darth Revan that existed somewhere in me deserved it. What those planets wouldn't see is that I was not Darth Revan anymore.

I remembered very little of my history and what I did remember wasn't very Sith-like. I was starting to remember my childhood and my relationship with my brother but nothing that made the current me deserving of execution. I couldn't remember invading the galaxy. I don't remember what led to Malak attacking me. I couldn't remember the Outer Rim like my vision of Malak instructed me to do.

I thought fondly of the mask that Darth Revan had worn. I understood that decision more now. After all, how could I have been hunted down if no one but Malak knew what I looked like? With the Council's decision to reveal me fully to the galaxy at this celebration, the galaxy would know what I looked like. Travel would be hard and require subterfuge. No one was going to believe that Darth Revan could have been fully redeemed. The galaxy would see a ploy, a ruse to lure the galaxy into a false sense of complacency again and I would invade again.

How much of Darth Revan was still in me? Darth Revan had been a bloodthirsty, cocky woman. I enjoy locking vibroblades, lightsabers, knives, anything with another fighter. I really enjoyed the duels on Taris. I had to laugh out loud in joy at the memory of defeating Bendak Starkiller. I actually kind of enjoyed killing that cocky bastard. Ok, so I was still bloodthirsty.

I don't think that I'm that cocky. I have faith in my abilities and the abilities of my crew. I know what we can and can't do, which fights we can win and which ones we need to talk our way out of. Is that faith being cocky? I don't think so.

I heard a rustle in the bushes and turned my head. I sensed Canderous and called out a greeting.

"We have to stop meeting this way, Canderous. A girl might start getting ideas about your intentions." I added a flirtatious tone to my voice that would hopefully lure Canderous away from my pensive mood. I didn't feel like explaining that I was still mourning my brother.

"I am sure that my intentions would be rebuffed. For some reason, you are hung up on Republic. You realize you are about to miss the celebration of your actions while you sit here hiding and contemplating this pyre?" So I didn't do a good job hiding my pensive mood.

"I wasn't hiding. I was thinking about all the bounty hunters that are going to be sent after me. I don't really want the galaxy to know that I'm alive."

"That is what your crew is for. We are here to protect you. We have all pledged ourselves to you."

"I don't know how long we are going to be allowed to remain a crew. I'm sure the Republic has plans for Carth and the Jedi Council has already asked me to perform a task for them. I don't know what Mission or Zaalbar are planning for their futures. You are as inscrutable as always."

"Inscrutable? Me? My path is clear, I pledged that I was your man until the end, and I will honor that pledge. I go where you go. It's pretty simple. You know that Mission and Zaalbar will remain with you. Revan, you need to get out of this mood that you're in and start thinking about what the future will be. We have plans to make, enemies to battle. Think of the stories for future generations. We cannot meekly accept other ideas of our futures like a herd of nerf." Canderous always had this way of focusing me on the tasks at hand. The others intruded in my space with their calm compassion. There were times that I needed someone to rap me upside the head and tell me that I was being a fool. I could always count on Canderous to do that for me. His pragmatism centered me when I started to allow my emotions to take over.

"Pragmatic as always, Canderous. I appreciate that trait more than you realize." I stood up and brushed the dirt off the back of my robes. I walked past him as I made my way to the Rakatan temple. As I made my way deeper into the woods, I called back to him. "Are you going to miss this celebration of my actions? Come on, you need to represent the Mandalorian people. Shake a leg, Canderous." I could hear his slightly annoyed chuckle behind me and then suddenly, he was walking beside me.

I made my way through the celebration and kept the false smile planted on my face as my entire crew was honored for our actions. We posed for the holo reporters and their pictures. Carth slung his arm around me at one point. Mission showed that she was still a teenager and hammed it up for the cameras. Zaalbar was the epitome of wookiee dignity as he stood at attention and scanned the crowd for threats. Even Canderous attempted to keep the scowl completely off his face. His smile resembled that of a predator, but at least he was trying.

I was still glad when the celebration was over and I could get off my feet and relax in the Ebon Hawk. Carth soon joined me and we sat in a comfortable silence as the rest of the crew made their way into the room.

"Hey, Revan, that was pretty fun. That one reporter was kinda cute, you know? He took a zillion pictures of us and he promised to send me a couple copies of the good ones. Plus, he didn't make a single comment about my headtails or anything!" Mission was excited and babbling.

"Which reporter?" I think Mission wanted to delay and I was willing to play along.

"Revan, why don't you discuss what the Council wanted from you?" Trust Canderous to bring up the unpalatable. The relaxed atmosphere in the Hawk disappeared completely. There was a very uncomfortable silence as everyone took in Canderous' statement. The tension in the room mounted as we realized that this was it. It was time to make or break our group.

"Well, that was subtle, Canderous." The chastising tone popped out before I thought about it. "In answer to your question, the Council wants me to explore rumors of Sith movements. I haven't had a chance to read what's on a datapad that they gave me. I'm also to try to remember what happened in the Outer Rim when Malak and I traveled there. I have a feeling I need to know what turned us to the dark side so that I don't repeat the mistakes of my past."

"You won't though. You turned your back on the dark side when Bastila asked you to pick up your former mantle. You turned your back when you could have taken control of the Star Forge. You aren't going to turn, so why the concern?" Sometimes, Carth could be extremely naïve.

"Carth, I'm sure that on the path to becoming Darth Revan, I said something similar. I'm trying to be realistic. If someone as pious as Bastila can turn, then someone like me can definitely turn. I owe it to myself to take this opportunity to delve into my past. I need to know what happened to keep it from happening again."

"But we can still hang out and talk and stuff, right, Revan? Revan?" Mission asked the most important question in the most innocuous way.

"I can't make any promises. I'd like to say yes, but I can't make any promises." My voice conveyed my apprehension at this outcome. I wanted to lie and say yes, of course we'll still be crew together on the Ebon Hawk forever, but the Force didn't seem willing to let me retire and have a normal life. "I haven't read the datapad, I don't know what's going on. I'm basically as clueless as you all are."

"So, what you're saying, Revan, is that you're going it alone?" Carth's voice sounded hollow and deceptively calm.

"I didn't say that. I'm saying that I don't know what's going to happen. I don't have foresight as a skill in the Force. If I did, then I could answer these questions. Besides, there are other factors here than my investigation. What did Admiral Dodonna have to say to you today?" I tried for a blasé tone of voice and settled for a slightly interested one instead.

"I'm receiving a promotion for valorous service. I have to journey to Coruscant to receive the promotion. I have a month's worth of leave and then I need to report in." Carth didn't sound happy.

"What you're saying is that you are going it alone, then, right, Republic?" Canderous parroted Carth's words back at him. I'd like to say that I was such a good Jedi that I didn't think it and definitely wouldn't have said it, but I'd be lying. Canderous simply beat me to the punch.

"I… I didn't say that. I just…ok, you made your point. I don't know what's going to happen or where I'll be stationed."

"Well, we have some time then before we have to make decisions then. It'll all work out for the best, right, Revan?" Mission's trust in the Force was better than mine. I didn't trust the Force. I used it, I relied on it but I didn't trust it. A benevolent Force would not have slapped me in the face with the realization of having a brother and then having to kill him.

"We'll see." I remembered the Masters at the Academy saying the same thing to me and meaning that whatever they were going to see was "no". "Since Carth doesn't have to report in for a month, we can take some time to make our decisions. I don't have to report back to the Council for a bit."

"Cool! Anyone up for Pazaak?" Mission seemed to bounce back quickly from life's disappointments. She bounced back after her brother abandoned her once more on Tantooine. She bounced back from being threatened with slavery. I admired her for her resilience. Compared to her outlook, I was a scared little girl playing at being an adult.

"I have a datapad to read. I guess I should get to it." I picked up the datapad in question and made my way to my bunk. I heard rumblings in the common area as the rest of the crew settled down to their pursuits.

When I accessed the data, I realized that although I was hesitant to fulfill the wishes of the Council, I would. The data wasn't specific but there was enough for me to realize that someone needed to investigate what was serious or not. The Sith threat was much bigger than Darth Revan and Darth Malak. There was a huge amount of activity and threats. No rest for the wicked, as I remembered from a holovid I'd watched with Mission during some boring hyperspace jump. Most of the activity centered on the Outer Rim and beyond. There were reports of Dark Jedi on multiple planets. The numbers only increased since I killed Master Uthar at Korriban.

"Whatcha find out, beautiful?" Carth's voice interrupted my contemplation of the data. "Anything interesting?"

"Yeah, ever since our visit to Korriban, the activity level has skyrocketed. There are Sith all over the Outer Rim. They don't seem to be clustered around any one area. Now that Malak is dead," I admit that it was getting easier to acknowledge his death. "there's a power vacuum. I wonder if we could cut off the new Dark Lord before he or she can rise to that position. It'd be nice to defeat the Sith while they're weakened by the loss of their leadership. It's too soon to tell who the new Dark Lord's going to be. We killed the most notable apprentices and scattered their forces."

I didn't want to tell Carth that the operatives sent to certain areas disappeared before they could file reports. I also didn't tell Carth that something was calling me to those areas. I wanted to keep the relationship light and I certainly didn't want us to go our separate ways worried over each other. Realistically, I know that we weren't destined for the white picket fence with the speeder in the garage. In the back of my mind, I held this up as a possibility but I knew I was only dreaming. I wondered if Carth realized this also.

"The Republic will hunt down the remnants. They've lost their main supplier of ships and arms. They are beyond weakened right now. The Sith have lost more than leadership, they've lost their infrastructure. Where does the Council want you to investigate?"

"Not sure, we didn't really go into that. I was a little busy getting some potshots in and so was Master Vrook. Let's just say that I know who influenced Bastila the most. That guy needs to learn to relax."

"What do you want to do for the next month? Anywhere you want to go, beautiful?" Carth leaned over and picked up a lock of my hair and twirled it between his fingertips. I may have acted insulted by his calling me beautiful many times in the past, but I enjoyed it and I knew I would miss it. This month felt like a stay of execution. I was more than willing to put off reality for a while longer.

"Let's find somewhere that has something for all of us." I reached up and cupped Carth's cheek. "I just want to spend some time with you before we have to do anything else." I saw in Carth's face that he realized that after the month, there were no guarantees and that circumstances could force us apart. There wouldn't be anymore gallivanting around the galaxy looking for Star Maps. The vacation was over. It was hard to consider the past year as a vacation, but the future didn't look like it would allow us much time together.

"Whatever you want, beautiful. I'd like to head to Telos and see if Dustil made it there. I'd like to talk to him, try to explain to him what, well, what happened and things."

"We have a destination then, we'll head to Telos. I'll have to let the Council know where I'm going. I have to let them know that I'm reviewing the datapad. I'll tell them tomorrow, though. I'm tired and I really don't feel like dealing with Vrook and Bastila." A light bulb came on in my head. "Have you seen Jolee lately?"

"Yeah, he's over at the Council's ship. He got an invitation to visit with his buddy, Vrook, and he jumped at it."

"Can you imagine the two of those as friends? Jolee is so rebellious and Vrook wouldn't form an attachment to anything but the Force."

"I'm sure the conversations are interesting." We laughed as we imagined the interactions. "Let's head to bed, beautiful."

"You got it, Republic." I winked at him as I sauntered past him. He grabbed me by my waist and hauled me back into his chest. His fingers dug into my sides as he tickled me.

"You know you're going to be punished for that, right?"

"Yeah, right, flyboy. Do your worst." I twisted out of his grasp and ran for the cabin we commandeered awhile back. I could hear Carth shouting behind me as tried to catch me. Mission, Zaalbar and Canderous just watched us as we raced past. There were giggles from Mission and a bemused smile from Canderous.

Once we made it into the cabin, the laughter between us stopped and the mood sobered. Carth reached out and touched my face. His finger drew down my cheek and slipped under the collar of my robes. He caressed my collarbone with a light touch. His other hand held mine. His touch was almost reverent as we locked eyes. Neither of us wanted to break this small contact. It was almost as if we were afraid that if we broke eye contact, the world would intrude and we'd be separated forever. I reached out my hand and touched the scar on the back of his hand that was courtesy of a bounty hunter on Taris. I could feel the rough and raised patch of skin underneath my fingers. I dragged my hand up his arm until I was holding his neck. I slowly pulled him forward until our lips touched.

That night, we were gentle with each other. We didn't talk much. Instead, we communicated through touch. Long caresses said I love you and quick kisses said stay. We paused to hold each other, as if to reassure one another that the other was there and would be there in the morning.

The morning came all too soon. I walked over to the Council ship before I could convince myself to only send a quick message instead. Master Vandar was the only one awake when I arrived. I was glad that I didn't have to face the whole Council again.

"I was not expecting you quite so soon, Jedi Revan. I am pleased at your quick action, however." Master Vandar started walking back up into the ship.

"Master Vandar, could we meet out here? I'd rather not worry about confrontations inside."

"Of course, of course, Jedi Revan. It is a pleasant morning, but I sense you did not come here to discuss the weather with me. The Council leaves later today to start the journey back to Coruscant. With the loss of Dantooine, we have much to do and little time to do it in."

"About that much to do, Master Vandar, I reviewed the preliminary data on the Sith threat. I am willing to investigate. I ask for a month of personal time to work out the recent activities, however."

"This is not an unreasonable request. I will speak for the Council on this and agree to the month. After a month, we'd like you to report to the Jedi Academy on Coruscant. We will talk further there. I will also send you updates as we receive them. Is this acceptable, Jedi Raven?"

"That's acceptable, Master Vandar. Thank you." I made my back through the forest to that same spot that kept drawing me. I stared at Malak's pyre, for possibly the last time. I had a month to live my life and then I was willingly giving it up for the better for the galaxy. I had a month.


	8. Dueling

The plot bunnies are coming fast and furious... it probably helps that my boss is out of town right nowand I have all day to work on this.

As always, let me know what you all think. I appreciate all the positive comments, but if you all don't like something, I have a thick skin. Really, constructive criticism is appreciated too.

Finally, I got a request for more action in the story in my email, so hopefully this will satisfy.

Hope you all like! With the way the plot bunnies are rampaging through my head, I'll prolly have an update shortly. I don't have a beta, so if anyone is interested, you can email me.

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The month passed too quickly. Telos was a burnt out shell of a planet. The Republic was starting the rebuilding process. There was a station under construction. Carth met up with some of the survivors and asked around for Dustil. Dustil was no where to be found and hadn't been seen in months. I could tell Carth was upset that he missed Dustil. Carth remembered the relatives on Corellia that Dustil knew and so we were off to Corellia.

Corellia was a series of interesting encounters. Carth spent most of his time searching for Dustil. The rest of us, in the meantime, searched for entertainment. Mission found a couple of Pazaak dens. She and Zaalbar spent their time gambling and increasing their nest egg. A couple of times, spacers got upset at being beaten by a Twi'lek teenaged girl but Zaalbar dissuaded them pretty quickly from pursuing their ire.

Canderous and I were bored out of our minds, however. There wasn't much action there of the type that Canderous and I enjoyed. I wasn't very good at swoop racing. That win on Taris was a fluke, as I learned when I tried to race on Manaan. So, swoop racing was out. Mission was ruling the Pazaak dens so that was out for me also. I enjoyed dueling but we couldn't find any serious rings right away.

We finally found some worthy competition close to the end of the month. Canderous' reputation preceded him and he found it tough to find opponents willing to face him. He was too famous and too Mandalorian. He fought when he could but he spent most of his time intimidating those around him instead. I guess he found this entertaining in a different way.

My opponents, on the other hand, were more than willing to match up with me. At the beginning, my opponents allowed their first impressions to influence how they fought me. I had disguised my appearance when we started the month, so it was hard to recognize me as a Jedi, let alone The Revan. I looked just like a normal small human female. Canderous just scoffed at the caliber of the initial opponents, but I knew he was just jealous that I was getting matches and he wasn't.

The dueling rings satisfied something in me. That bloodthirsty aspect of my personality enjoyed each combat. For some reason, there isn't anything more satisfying when I'm upset than the meaty thud of a fist into flesh. Some of the opponents weren't worthy and Canderous and I enjoyed laughing at their attempts. To keep a bit of nostalgia in the dueling rings, I took the name of "Mysterious Stranger".

I worked my way up the ranks pretty quickly. I loved hearing the Mysterious Stranger announced over the com. It made me think of happier and perhaps more innocent times. Sure, we were on Taris and it was a stinking rat-hole of a world, but I didn't know I was Darth Revan. I didn't worry about saving the galaxy. Instead, I only worried about keeping Carth with me since I couldn't get off that rat-hole by myself. I finally reached the top and got to face this rings reigning champion.

"In this corner, we are pleased to announce a contender that is quickly rising through the ranks. She's tough, she's rambunctious and she can kick…your…ass, it's the Mysterious Stranger!"

I bowed to the crowds. I got ready to thumb on my vibroblades and put my body in the ready position. I was slightly crouched over with my knees bent and my weight resting on the balls of my feet.

The announcer's voice came back on. "And in this corner, she's rude, she's crude, she's your reigning champion, Maggie May!" Maggie May just thrust her blades into the air. When the light flashed signaling the beginning of the duel, she arrogantly beckoned me over to her. To answer her arrogance, I sauntered to the center of the ring and posed as if I was checking the finish on my nails.

This set off the champion. She came running and flipped in the air as she approached. Her blades flashed down at my head in a chopping motion as she landed. I rolled my head to the side so the blades crossed where my head had been. She chopped a bit of my hair off as she finished the move.

Maggie May seemed to lose control easily. She didn't seem to appreciate my arrogant insults to her skill level. I figured she started it with beckoning me on, as if I wasn't worth the effort of walking to the center of the ring. I also figured that she was one that didn't take kindly to insults and would quickly lose even more control.

I was only too right. Her blades whirled around me, moving quicker than most people could combat. She was hyped up on stims and her reflexes were almost without equal. Luckily for me, I had all that Jedi training and the Force helped me anticipate her next move. I was having a problem keeping up with her. With all the stims racing through her body, I knew she wasn't going to tire for a long time.

This left me with very few options to win the fight. I could start using the Force and win the duel unfairly. I could just try to keep up, but I could see that plan was doomed for failure. Another option was that I could see what happened when I made her lose control even worse than she had so far. The final option was that I could yield.

The last alternative wasn't going to happen. I had way too much pride for that. Using the Force gave me an unfair advantage and I wasn't going to cheat. So, using the Force to attack was out also. I wouldn't be able to match or keep up with her stim-fueled rage either. So, I decided to make her lose control even more. I hoped that with the further lack of control, she'd also lose control over her skill and just start berserking or something. At that point, maybe I stood a chance to get in some shots and win.

I leapt back to give myself some space and then turned my back on her and took a step away from her. I heard an animalistic growl behind me and the crowd roared its approval for the daring move. I could feel her racing at me. She did the same leaping maneuver she'd done earlier. I waited until the last moment and then kicked backwards into her gut. My foot connected solidly and she collapsed onto the ground.

As she stood back up, I polished my nails on my leg and admired the polish, well, lack of polish, once more. My bored stance was the final straw. She came rushing at me and swung her blades with a definite lack of skill. I met her rage with calm. One of her blades went flying to the other side of the ring. Maggie May dropped her other blade and started punching at me.

I threw my blades away and met her head-on, fist to fist. This was what I wanted; this was the combat I'd been searching all over for. I wanted to feel the impact of flesh hitting flesh. Of course, I didn't really enjoy the feeling of my shoulder dislocating as a roundhouse kick connected solidly with my right shoulder. I also didn't really enjoy the feeling of my collarbone snapping under the pressure. I answered her aggression with a leg sweep and knocked her on her butt.

She flipped herself back up and twisted with a kick at my chest. I grabbed her foot and spun it away. As her one leg spun and the other stayed in place, I could hear her knee popping. I winced in sympathy but had little chance to catch a breath as she used the momentum I'd just given her to complete a spiral with her upper body and clipped me solidly on the left side of my face. The skin over my eye split and blood started dripping into my eye. I could feel my eye swelling shut.

An irrational thought popped into my head. I knew Canderous would revel in the level of battle and admire the wounds. I also knew Carth was going to be furious with me. While he was out searching for signs of Dustil, instead of helping him in his search, I was getting the stuffing beat out of me. Even worse than this, Carth would feel a slight betrayal because I enjoyed this so much more than tracking down a recalcitrant teenager that I didn't really want to see again.

While I was thinking these random thoughts, Maggie May had popped her knee back in place and punched me solidly in the stomach. All the air in my body whooshed out with an audible sound. I doubled over and went down. The crowd roared and groaned at the same time. With their reactions, the entire stadium could tell who had bet one whom. I felt for the ones that bet on me, I was feeling their pain. I'd bet on myself also.

Unbelievably, I could hear Canderous' voice from wherever he was in the stands telling me to get back up and stop toying with my opponent. Like I was toying with her, I scoffed to myself. She was beating the crap out of me fair and square. My ploy to get her to lose control had definitely backfired on me.

I was really wishing for some stims at this point. I was in so much pain and my energy was going to keeping me upright and breathing. It was time to end it. I decided that I had enough energy for one more move. I got back up and arrogantly beckoned her back over to me. Her eyebrows winged up and she smiled a very nasty, very scary smile at me. She flipped through the air at me and stuck her leg out for a kick. I grabbed her foot and spun around. As I did so, she went flying with me and I released so that she would hit the wall of the arena. Her head connected and she went out like a light.

I didn't have the energy to even wave at the crowd that was chanting my alias. I simply walked out of the ring and into the office area. All I wanted was to sit down. I subtly channeled the Force to take the edge off the pain and give me some energy.

"About time you finished her off. You wouldn't be so hurt if you hadn't toyed with her." Canderous' voice broke into my stupor.

"I thought I'd play it up for the crowd. Try to get more bets on me so I'd get a bigger purse." I think the sarcastic tone of voice flew right over Canderous' head.

"Next time, just finish her off. She has too much pride for you to play games with her." Canderous grabbed my dislocated shoulder and with no warning, popped it back into place. I was proud of myself for hiding the wince and keeping the shriek that I wanted to let loose inside my head.

"I wasn't playing games with her, Canderous. She was kicking my tail fairly. Man, I'm hurt. I wonder if I can heal the worst of this before Carth sees me?"

"Too late." Canderous only smirked at me. He looked over to the corner of the room. Carth was quickly approaching me with a bag of credits in his hand. I didn't keep the groan in my head this time. Canderous only chuckled at me as he looked back and forth between the approaching Carth and me.

"You think he's seen me? I could still get away, couldn't I?" I asked the question rhetorically. Canderous let loose with a laugh.

"So, beautiful, instead of spending time with me, you'd rather get the crap beat out of you?" Carth's voice was disturbingly blasé. I knew that tone of voice. That tone meant that I was in for it as soon as we weren't in such a public forum. I could hear the argument starting and almost winced. Canderous' knowing smirk let me know I hadn't completely succeeded in hiding the gesture.

"I couldn't find any trace of Dustil. The people I talked to hadn't seen or heard from him in years. I was getting tired of the people I talked to being so blatantly rude. I figured if someone was going to duel with me, I'd rather get the chance to hit back than just fire verbal barbs. That's why I'm here in a legally sanctioned dueling ring. I didn't think you'd appreciate me hitting your great-great aunt or your second cousin twice removed or whatever relation it was." My tone wasn't nearly as polite as Carth's. "Those my winnings?"

"Yeah, there's enough for you to visit a med facility and get healed up." Carth's voice was losing its calmness.

"I don't need a med facility. I feel fine." Slight lie, but it was a white lie so I figured it wasn't too bad one. I couldn't feel my right arm. The left side of my face throbbed in time to my pulse. My stomach hurt, I wanted to throw up, my hip grinded against itself and I was still shaky from so many hits. Canderous, blast him, just laughed at me and pointed to the ladies' refresher.

"You should take a look at yourself before you say how fine you feel." I walked over to the ladies 'fresher and groaned when I caught a glimpse of myself. I didn't think it was possible to look worse than I felt since I felt like twice chewed bantha fodder. I was so wrong that it was comical. I looked like bantha fodder after being twice chewed, digested and starting the decaying process. I was already black and blue all over my body. My right arm hung funny, even though the shoulder was back in place. The left side of my face was extremely swollen and I couldn't see my left eyeball at all. My hair was cropped short on top from where Maggie May's vibroblades had given me an impromptu haircut. No wonder Carth was so upset with me.

I walked back out. I tried to saunter flirtatiously, but failed miserably when I winced at every step I took as my hip ground. Carth and Canderous watched me with disparate expressions. These expressions really showed where the differences in their outlooks lay. Canderous looked at me with a smirk that said way to go; you triumphed over your enemy. Carth looked at me almost as if horrified. His slightly bemused expression reminded me that I'd been so shocked at my appearance that I'd forgotten to wash the blood off my face.

"You guys want to go get something to eat?" I tried to wink at them but my face was so swollen that my eyelid didn't really move.

"I think you need to see a doctor and wash up." Carth's voice was dour. I wasn't sure if he was going to pout or not. He wasn't a very attractive pouter. I'd rather see him in a temper, so I teased him like I did on Taris when he pouted.

"Why don't we go back to the Hawk and we can play doctor instead? I'll be the innocent patient and you can be the eager doctor?" Canderous snorted and turned his face to hide the grin. Carth just rolled his eyes at me and slung his arm around my shoulders. I couldn't hide the wince as I almost dropped to the ground in pain.

"Oops, forgot the shoulder, sorry." If he was sorry than I was a Gammorean bride. He laughed at my expression and pulled me out of the arena offices. "Come on, you've got an appointment with a doctor."

"Carth, I really don't need a doctor. I'll just use the Force to heal myself. Let's just go back to the Ebon Hawk."

"Nope, you owe me. You're going to see a doctor to repay part of that debt. Then, you're going to buy me dinner out of your winnings to keep making it up to me. After that, maybe I'll let you play doctor on me." My snort quickly turned into laughter. I was laughing so hard that people were looking over at the three of us. Canderous' deep laughed joined in with mine. Carth joined in with barely any hesitation.

I put up with the doctor's ministrations to make Carth feel better. In addition to all the other injuries, I had a couple of broken ribs. My cheekbone was fractured from that one hit to the face. The doctor gave me some kolto and sent me on my way with a warning to be more careful in the ring. I just waved at him and walked out.

Canderous kept chuckling to himself as I tried to make Carth happier about my dueling. I was really starting to feel like a little kid caught stealing candy from her parents. I didn't want to fight with Carth, though, so I sucked it up and put up with the chastisement. We found a cantina and had some halfway decent food. Canderous got even more of a laugh when a couple of guys that looked way too fancy to be in such a hole wandered over to our table and lectured the guys on how to treat a woman. Guess I still wasn't looking so good. To keep Carth from losing what remained of his control over his temper, I gracefully paid for the dinner for all three of us and we all left before anything could escalate.

Canderous didn't help out with keeping Carth's temper under wraps as he ribbed Carth the entire way back to the Hawk. I could see the temper rising in Carth's face. He looked over at me and I started laughing again. I pinched his butt and he looked scandalized and then started laughing too.

We were all still laughing as we made our way up the ramp into the Hawk. Mission and Zaalbar were there, playing with the credits that had been won so far on the trip. Mission looked up as we walked into the common area. Her mouth dropped and her color drained as she took in my appearance. This set Canderous and me off even harder.

"It's not as bad as it looks, Mission. I'm fine. Carth even dragged me to a doctor for some treatment. I'll be fine." I dropped into a chair. It felt great to finally get to relax.

"If that's fine, I'd hate to see the other guy. Did you win?" Mission came over and started poking at my bruises. The cut over my eye really hurt when she stuck her finger on it.

"Yeah, I won. Knocked her out on her crazy butt, that's what I did. She finally didn't get back up. She was raging on stims and something I really don't want to know about. She was frikken crazy." I giggled at the thought of Maggie May hitting the wall. Guess I was getting a little punch drunk or something. I forgot all about the drugs that the doctor had given me. The world started blurring and moving. "Hey, Mission, when'd you get cloned? There's at least five of you now." With that thought, I passed out.

When I came to, I was laying in the bunk I shared with Carth, a cool cloth on my head.

"It's nice of you to rejoin the land of the living, beautiful." Carth's hand stroked down my cheek.

"Nice to be back. Did I pass out?" I was a little embarrassed at that.

"Yeah, it was pretty funny. You hit your head on the same spot. At least you won't get another bruise since it's so bruised anyway." Carth moved the cloth over the spot in question.

"That's a comfort, alright. I'm so relieved I won't have anymore bruises. Then again, I'm just one big bruise anyway." I rolled over and put my head on his lap. He smoothed my hair off my face and kept stroking it. As he stroked, he dug his nails in a little, scratching my head like I liked.

"Why'd you do it?" Carth's voice was still calm.

"I was getting frustrated with talking to all those stuck up people that thought they were better than me. I figured going to the dueling rings instead of going all Darth Revan on them would work better. So, I went to the rings. It was fun. It reminded me of our time on Taris."

"I suppose I could see that." He said it but I could tell that he didn't see it. He couldn't understand why I was risking myself like I was. I couldn't explain it to him either, mainly because I didn't really understand all of it either. Part of me just enjoyed the thrill of battle. I liked knowing that I could triumph over worthy opponents without using Jedi powers. I liked the concussive feel of flesh ramming into flesh. I loved knowing I possessed enough survival skills that if the Force deserted me, I'd still be able to live.

The part that I didn't understand was the part of me that felt the pain at the end of a duel was a way of atoning to the galaxy. I'd caused the galaxy so much pain that I deserved to feel it too. Then again, how did the galaxy know I was feeling pain? How would the galaxy know, in some masochistic way, I was trying to harm myself as I had harmed it? The answer is that it wouldn't know.

"We still good?" I hated that my voice was tentative. I just wasn't the tentative type. Carth's hand froze on my head.

"I love you, I just don't understand you." Carth's hand went back to stroking my head.

"At least I'm keeping a bit of mystery around you; I'd hate to see you get bored with me."

"I can promise you this, Revan, I'm never going to be bored around you. Life's never dull when you're around."

"I know. I also figure you kind of wish that it was a bit duller with my around. Do you ever wish I was like Morgana?" The question popped out before I had a chance to even think it.

"Sometimes, sometimes I wish that we could just settle down somewhere and live happily ever after." The honest admission caused a bit of pain to go through my heart but I knew he was only saying what I'd thought a few times before.

"Yeah, I wish that too. I wish we could be normal instead of saviors of the galaxy or whatever crap the holovids are calling us now." I snuggled deeper into his lap. Carth leaned back onto the wall and slid down a little so my head was pillowed on his chest. I pulled myself closer to him and put my one leg over his. My arm went around his stomach and I held on tightly.

"Month's almost up, Revan. When are we going to talk about what's next?" I wasn't prepared for his softly spoken question.

"We can talk now, Carth." My voice echoed his softness. I almost whispered the response. The blinders were off and it was time to come back to reality.

"We have to go to Coruscant soon. I got a request for appearance from Admiral Dodonna. They want to hold some big ceremony for my promotion." Carth's hand kept stroking my head as his other arm came around me and pulled me even closer to his side. I was practically sprawled on top of him by this point. I didn't mind, time was running out and I wanted to be as close as possible to him as much as possible.

"Yeah, the Council sent me a status request. I need to report in soon to see what they want to do about the Sith threat. Master Vandar sent me some further information on the machinations of the remnants."

"Well, then, we'll head back to Coruscant shortly. What do we do after we get there?" Carth's voice was extremely hesitant as he asked that last question. That was the crux of the whole issue I wanted to keep avoiding.

"Take it one day at a time, I guess. I don't know what's going to happen when we get to Coruscant so I can't tell you where we go from there."

"Fair enough, I suppose. I don't know what's going to happen on my end either." He didn't sound happy with that, but then again, I wasn't all that happy with it either.

"Carth?" My voice was so soft, I didn't know if he heard me or not.

"Yeah, beautiful?" Guess he heard me.

"Make me a promise?"

"What?" He didn't say anything. We were trying to be honest with each other and there were things we just couldn't promise.

"Promise that you won't ever say goodbye. I won't say goodbye either." He hugged me even tighter. My ribs protested and my breath hitched, but I wasn't going to complain.

"I promise. It'll never be goodbye. I love you, Revan. I will always love you. I can't say goodbye to a part of me. I'll just say, see you later, ok?" His voice was that of a parent soothing their child. I felt like a child at that point. I was so scared and nervous. I just wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be alright. He didn't say it but I could feel the implication in his words.

"Yeah, see you later works for me. We will see each other later." I held on tighter to him. I looked up and could see the tears in his eyes. I think he realized that there might come a time that we didn't see each other later. Our lives were driven by danger. It was the nature of the beast when it came to our careers.

"K." He left it at that. I slid up as he slid down and our lips met, sealing the promise with a kiss.


	9. Coruscant Council

Coruscant loomed in front of us. It was huge. I didn't remember ever being there before. I knew, theoretically, I had to have been there before. I just didn't remember it. The lack of memories didn't really make me sad anymore. I'd reach the stage where having very little of my past was accepted. I'd rather have the past that I did remember vividly. I'd rather remember the crew of the Ebon Hawk. I'd rather remember staying in the light and fighting on the side of good instead of evil. I'd rather remember Carth. Sounds silly and sappy, but this past month made me happier than anything I could remember from my life as Darth Revan and before.

To delay the inevitable, I realize I'm a coward at heart when it comes to separating me from this crew; I just stared at Carth's hands while he piloted us into the landing bay we were assigned. I felt the slight shudder as we touched down. The whine of the engines quieted and then went silent. The month was over and it was time to face up to our commitments.

"We're here, beautiful." I felt Carth's hand under my chin, lifting my face up to his. He leaned over, placed his lips over mine and cupped my cheek. "On to the next stage of our lives. You ready?" Me? Ready to separate? Nope, not this Jedi, not in this lifetime. Instead of answering like that though, I avoided the truth.

"As ready as I'll ever be. I'll comm you when I get finished with the Council. We'll go from there." I grabbed the hand on my cheek and pressed it tighter as I shifted my head and pressed my lips into his palm.

"I'll comm you when I'm finished with Admiral Dodonna. I'm not sure if I can even get in to see her today or not. I'll have to find us somewhere to stay while we're here."

"Yeah, I'd rather stay with you than at the Temple." We looked up as Mission popped her head into the cockpit.

"Port Authority wants to know if … oops. Sorry, I'll butt out." She started ducking back through the door.

"It's ok, Mission. We're just finishing shutting down the Hawk. What does the Authority want to know?" Carth let go of my face and I let go of his hand. He did his magic on the controls and we both got up and left the cockpit.

"They want to know who's paying the fees." Mission bounced in front of us as we traveled through the Hawk towards the boarding ramp.

"I'll take care of it." I didn't want to say goodbye or deal with the sloppy emotional issues so I quickly volunteered to deal with Port Authority instead. At least here on Coruscant, they weren't Czerka people. After the slavery issues on Kashyyk, the willingness to slaughter the Sand People of Tantooine and the overall slimy characters that worked for the company did not lead me into a good impression of the company.

I escaped off the Hawk and left the messy emotional entanglements behind. I told the officer that the Jedi Council would be paying all docking fees since I still wasn't very happy with them. It was the least they could do, as far as I was concerned. Zaalbar, Mission, Carth and Canderous all came out as I finished up with the officer.

We all walked out of the landing area and into Coruscant proper. The first sight of the city was almost overwhelming. There were too many people, too many speeders, too many buses and too much noise. Mission goggled at the sights. Zaalbar roared his feelings.

"Relax, Big Z, I'm sure that we'll find our way around. Instead of standing here like tourists just waiting to get our pockets picked, let's act like we have a destination." I started walking forward. My movement halted abruptly as I was pulled from behind. I would have snarled at whoever grabbed me but gratitude swamped me instead. I had stepped right into the path of a huge bus full of people. Nothing like looking like you know what you're doing, I scoffed to myself. "Thanks for the save."

"No problem, Re-…" I cut Canderous off mid word.

"Not here, not now, not that name." My tone was cutting. I didn't mean it to sound so abrasive but all I could see were the surrounding denizens swarming me in outrage and dying under a mob of angry sentients.

"What should I call you, then? It is your name. The galaxy is just going to have to deal with it. You're back. You've been…redeemed." Canderous spit the last word out as if it were a foul word. Canderous had a point. I tried to feel no shame at the name, I thought I'd come to accept it. Everyone used it, even Carth.

"You have a good point. I just don't want to have a mob kill me when they hear my name."

"I'm sure there's more than one of that name in the galaxy." Canderous was making a lot of sense.

"To change the subject and avoid bloodshed…" Carth looked at Canderous on that word. "I recommend we split up and take care of our business. I have a meeting over at headquarters and beautiful…" Carth winked at me as he avoided using my name. "has a meeting at the Temple. Mission, Big Z and Canderous, you guys could secure us some lodgings and move some of our stuff off the Hawk." Canderous didn't look happy playing nursemaid to our teenager and her bodyguard.

"If you think…"

"Sounds like a great plan. Who better to get us a good rate on an apartment than you, Canderous? You can scare the wits out of them and we won't have to pay much." This time, it was me piping in to avoid bloodshed. "Well, I'm off to the Temple. Comm me if you need me." I flagged down a taxi quickly. If there was going to be fighting in the streets, I didn't want to be a part of it. With a jaunty wave as I left my crew on the street, I was on my way to the Temple.

My first view of the temple was almost overwhelming. It was a towering structure that seemed to pierce the atmosphere and jut into space itself. The spires were amazing. Even more amazing was the feeling of peace that I felt just staring up at the building like a tourist.

Once inside, I recognized the area from my recovered memory of running around, annoying Master Vrook as I waited for the doors to open and Malak to step through. The lobby, for lack of a better word, was a cavernous room that showcased art and sculpture from all over the galaxy. The room invited a person to contemplate his or her place in the grand scheme of the galaxy. I'd expected to feel intimidated, but instead, I was drawn to the pieces hanging on the wall off to my right. I stood staring at them for quite a bit of time.

"Amazing, aren't they? This one is a Cathari depiction of the melding of engineering and hunting. It's a marvelous amalgamation of the two different sides of a Cathari existence." Juhani's voice interrupted my reflection on the artwork. I turned and hugged her. "Your month away seems to have done you quite a bit of good. You look happy and at peace."

"Juhani! I'm so glad to see you! The past month was amazing. I feel much more at peace. I worked through quite a few of the issues I had. How have you been? Your messages left quite a bit to the imagination." We broke apart and looked each other over. I had a couple of new scars but my bruises and broken bones had healed completely with the judicious application of kolto. Juhani, on the other hand, looked radiant. She was completely healthy in body, mind and spirit.

"There wasn't that much to tell. I've been meditating quite a bit. I've also been honored with the title of Jedi Knight." The last was said in a nonchalant manner.

"Congratulations! So, Jedi Juhani, what's been going on that you can tell me and more importantly, what's been going on that you're not supposed to tell me?" I linked my arm with hers as we wandered the foyer.

"Jolee is on the Council now. He's grumbling about it. The Council's been having meetings about the recent movements of the Sith remnants. We have a few new students. There's one that you should know about."

"Really? Who?" Curiosity is going to kill this cat someday. Someday, I'm going to stick my nose where it doesn't belong and then I'll have to pay the price. I only hoped I had eight more lives left since I used one when Malak fired on me and Bastila rescued me.

"Carth's son, Dustil, is here. He's not yet been assigned a Master." The news made me slightly happy. Once I told Carth that Dustil had been located, I figured Carth wouldn't be upset with me for me dueling instead of looking for his son on Corellia. I wasn't extremely happy because I really wasn't looking forward to talking to the boy about relationship issues. I could see why the Jedi weren't supposed to have attachments. Attachments led to entanglements and entanglements led to messy explanations and messy explanations led to hurt feelings and so on and so forth forever and ever.

"I'll have to let Carth know. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to see the Council. I told Master Vandar I'd be here today to meet with them."

"I'll walk you there. We'll have to catch up in more depth later. I'm sure there is much that you left out of your messages. For instance, you'll have to tell me the story behind that scar above your eye." I couldn't help but laugh.

I waved goodbye to Juhani as I entered the Council Antechamber. I didn't wait long before I was summoned. The Council was arrayed in the circular room. I recognized very few of the members. Master Vandar, Master Vrook and Jolee were the only ones that I recognized at first. There were a few human males, a human female and a Twi'lek I didn't recognize.

As I made my way into the room, I bowed my head respectfully. There was no sense in borrowing trouble. If I played nicely, perhaps Master Vrook would play nicely also. I gave a mental eye roll at that. There was little chance that Master Vrook wouldn't be his normal acerbic self.

"We are pleased that you have joined us." Master Vandar inclined his head towards me. "How was your month away?"

"It was restful, Master. I came to terms with many things. I also worked on the assignment you gave me before I left."

"Any conclusions?" This statement came from one of the unrecognized male humans.

"Not at this time, there isn't enough data." I could feel the impatience rolling off of Master Vrook but the rest of the Council nodded in agreement. "I was hoping that you had further information for me."

"We have lost contact with a few of our operatives. Data is not as forthcoming."

"I would assume that these operatives are either dead or converted. I wouldn't attempt contact again." Most of the Masters nodded their heads in agreement. Like I anticipated, a snarky comment came from Master Vrook.

"You would be our resident expert on the ways of the Sith. You were without equal at converting and/or killing those we sent."

"I make no apologies for the past that I don't remember. I know I fell to the dark side. Through what I know now, the reason I fell was overconfidence, a trait that we share, Master Vrook." I mentally patted myself on the back for getting in a little barb so politely.

"How dare you…"

"I dare because you dare. You thrust a past that I have little knowledge of in my face constantly. You forget that, since I lost my past, I have not wavered from the path of light, unlike your most pious pupil. Bastila Shan fell because of her overconfidence in her piety, a sentiment you share with yourself. If you are not more aware of your weakness of pride, then you will also fall. I have learned from the little of my past I've been granted, have you? We keep traveling over the same topic of conversation between the two of us. I have to assume there is more here than I am aware. It is a shame that we are not on equal footing for these constant confrontations."

"You have not learned more of your past?" Jolee's voice interrupted the staring contest that Master Vrook and I were having. I smiled at Jolee, maybe not in gratitude but in something close. I was losing my patience with Master Vrook.

"Very little, Master Jolee." I put a slight emphasis on his newly awarded title. "I remember a sparring match with my fellow padawans, I remember an astronomy lesson and I remember a lesson in etiquette for Alderaanian noble dinners."

"You're remembering the important stuff then, eh, girl?" Jolee's smirk betrayed his amusement.

"Yeah, old man, I remember the good stuff, alright." Jolee barked in laughter.

"I'll assume you're going to stay here and meditate on your past some more then, right? You've got a lot to remember."

"Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. With all due respect, I feel the Temple is a bit overwhelming. I've secured lodgings elsewhere."

"With Commander Onasi, I'm sure." Master Vrook's acerbic tone broke into Jolee and I's repartee.

"Yes, Master Vrook, I'm staying with Commander Onasi, along with the rest of the remaining crew of the Ebon Hawk. Are you implying something?"

"If she was smart, she'd be having something going on and we wouldn't have to imply anything." Jolee laughed again.

"You're one sick old man, Jolee." I couldn't help but smile at the irreverent old man.

"I'm also one hungry old man. If we're all done trading barbs for the day, I'm going to get something to eat. Arguing takes a lot out of this old man." Jolee stood up and the rest of the Council followed suit. As they made their way out of the Council chambers, I could hear Jolee starting one of his stories. "I remember, one time in the Shadowlands, there was this wookiee…" I smiled and followed them out. I could almost smell the freedom of the outside world of Coruscant. As I was concentrating on making my way out of the Temple as quickly as possible, my klutziness kicked in again as I ran into someone.

"Padawan, watch where…" Bastila's voice trailed off as she realized that it was me that ran into her. "Revan, so nice to run into you again." Did Bastila just make a joke? I looked around; nope, the galaxy wasn't coming to an end so that couldn't have been a joke.

"Yeah, nice to run into you. How have you been?" Carth would be so proud of me. I was making nice, polite chitchat with Bastila.

"Very well, thank you, I've been meditating quite a bit in the past month. I'm coming to terms with my…my…indiscretion." Her voice hesitated and then stuttered over the last word.

"You mean your fall to the dark side? If you can't say it, you're not over it and you still chance falling again."

"I am at peace with what happened. I don't know what you're talking about." Bastila's haughty voice trembled.

"I'm talking about the fact that your massive ego can't reconcile itself to the fact that you fell and others you assumed were more likely to fall, didn't. Have you realized why you fell, yet?"

"Yes, Malak tortured me until I could no longer resist." Bastila folded her hands in front of her robes.

"No, you fell because you have too much pride. You never foresaw yourself falling so you didn't have any backup plans in case you started to fall. Your overconfidence and extreme piety led you to the dark side, just like Juhani's devotion did. Realize your mistake and correct it for the future, otherwise you're bound to repeat the same mistake repeatedly." So I was losing the polite façade, I knew Canderous would be happy with me.

"I doubt you know what you're talking about." Her haughty tone didn't waver this time.

"I'm Darth Revan, remember? I think I know about the dark side. Then again, you were going to be Darth Bastila. It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?" Mission would be happy with me now. I was making my whole crew happy, at this point. All I needed was to growl at her or pick her up and shake her and Big Z would be ecstatic.

"You are completely insufferable." Instead of the rage I anticipated, I felt extreme depression. Bastila's eyes filled with tears. She turned away from me and started to hurry off. Sap that I am, I felt bad for baiting her like I did and rushed after her.

"Bastila, wait, please, would you please just wait?" I grabbed her shoulder and turned her back around. She threw her arms around me and squeezed for all she was worth. All I could do was pat her back awkwardly as she sobbed into my shoulder. "Hey, want to go to dinner with the rest of us? We'll have an Ebon Hawk reunion, it'll be great. Mission and Big Z'll be there." Her sobs just increased in volume. "Canderous'll be there." She started wailing. "Carth'll be there." She squeezed me harder. I was starting to have problems breathing. "Uh, Bastila, could you, possibly, er, that is, could you stop squeezing me so much?"

Bastila's tear-stained face looked up at me as she released me. I wanted to ask her what in the name of the Force just happened. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know the answer to that question. So, I chickened out.

"Are you coming with me?"

"I'd like that, thank you." Her voice was deceptively calm, as if the whole crying thing hadn't happened. We continued walking along, completely silent as I really didn't want to get into what just happened, until we reached the foyer to the Temple.

"About time you got here, girlie. Didn't you hear me when I said I was hungry? I'm an old man; I don't have time to be waiting around for all you younglings. The young, they think they've got all the time in the world. Instead, they just waste the old people's time. I had more respect when I was younger. I remember this one time…"

"Look, old man, I didn't know you were coming to dinner with me. You could've been a bit clearer about your intentions."

"I said I was hungry. I left the room. That would say that I'm ready for dinner, now wouldn't it?"

"I hate you, old man." Jolee just laughed at me.

"Let's go, Juhani. We're finally going to get something to eat." Jolee waved Juhani away from the sculpture she was contemplating.

As we walked outside, I commed Carth and didn't get a response so I left a message. I finally raised Canderous on the 'link and found out the name of the cantina where we were meeting. I didn't warn him that I had a Jedi contingent with me. Jolee smirked at me so I figured he realized that I was playing a game with Canderous.

If looks could kill, I'd be a dead woman. Canderous just glared at me as the four of us Jedi walked into the cantina. Mission bounced in her chair and Zaalbar gave a friendly growl. I winked at Canderous as we sat down.

"Look who I found at the Temple."

"Hey, guys, this is cool. We're all back together again. Well, we're back together for dinner at least." Mission stood up and hugged Juhani and Jolee, conspicuously ignoring Bastila.

"I'm not cooking though, Mission." Juhani laughed.

"Too bad, the food you cooked was pretty good. I wonder if the food here is even edible." I smiled at Juhani. Canderous just continued glaring at me.

"Cathari got your tongue, Canderous?" Juhani smiled sweetly at Canderous. If you didn't know better, you'd think the smile was real.

"The day a Cathari gets the better of me is the day that I'm already burning on my pyre. I wasn't expecting to dine with so many conspicuous targets." Canderous sounded a bit ominous. Then again, he always sounded a bit ominous.

"What do you mean by targets, Canderous?" I wanted to clarify if this was normal Mandalorian wariness or if there was a basis to his wording.

"The Council didn't tell you that something or someone is hunting Jedi?"

* * *

A/N - Those plot bunnies that were hopping earlier needed a nap. Guess they got tired. Too bad I don't take notes while they're hopping so I can work through their naps... thanks for all the nice reviews folks! I appreciate knowing what you all think. If I'm out of character or something, please let me know. I can't seem to get Juhani right... 


	10. Dreams and Nightmares

A/N's are now at the bottom...

* * *

Canderous' bald question hung in the air as I looked around at my fellow Jedi. Bastila hung her head, Juhani looked off into space but Jolee met my stare bluntly. As I continued the locked stares with Jolee, I replied to Canderous.

"Why no, Canderous, no one, not one single Jedi said anything at all to me about Jedi hunting." First salvo fired and Jolee met it with one of his own.

"We didn't mention it because we don't know if the rumor is true or not. Hell, one rumor has you as the hunter, Revan. You hunting us now? I didn't think so, so why should we be spreading false information?"

"It wouldn't be the first time the Council gave me false information. Does the name Adrine Qaan strike any bells? How about the false history assigned to innocent little Adrine, aide to Jedi Bastila?"

"That wasn't my doing and you know it, girlie." Jolee's voice deepened as it became more forceful.

"No, Jolee, that wasn't your doing. This is. You, along with all those hypocrites in that room today, lied to me again."

"We didn't lie to you. We simply didn't tell you rumors and suppositions."

"It's still a lie, a lie by omission. I trusted you, Jolee. I trusted you to tell me the truth and have my back." I was so upset that I was amazed there weren't sparks of Force Lightening coming from my fingertips. I could feel the waves of rage pulsing through me. Perhaps I was overreacting. Jolee had a point, they were rumors, right? How could I trust the Council though? Perhaps there was substantiating information out there that they had. After all, the Council had known Revan was still alive when they spread the rumor that Bastila had killed Darth Revan.

"It's not a lie by omission to not share rumors. That's all this is, rumors. Malak just died a little over a month ago. There hasn't been time for a new group to take his place at the helm. The Sith are in shambles and disarray. They're too busy hunting each other to unite in a hunt of Jedi. You've seen the information we have about the Sith. To be honest with you, Revan, I expected better from you. I don't rightly appreciate you flying off the handle at me like I'm some whippersnapper that doesn't know a friend from an enemy." I only glared in response to his statements. Sure, I was acting like a petulant child but I'd been lied to basically everyday for almost a year. I had the identity I thought was mine ripped away from me in a rush with only a quick offhand sorry to go along with it. I still didn't have any information, other than what I remembered, of what life was like when I was the original Revan and then Darth Revan.

"Rumors sometimes hold more truth than what the Council tells its own Jedi. After all, rumors are all I have of what I was like before I woke up on the Endar Spire. The Council and the Jedi," I looked at Bastila here. She still was staring at the floor as if it were a krayt dragon getting ready to bite her head off. "have lied to me for my entire remembered existence."

"Hogwash, pure hogwash, and you know it."

"Oh, really, Jolee, you think so? I dare you to show me the goodwill of the Council and get me all the information that's been purged from the records regarding my life before." I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms over my chest. I lifted one of my eyebrows as I made the dare. The rest of the group was looking back and forth between the two of us as if it were the final round of a high-stakes Pazaak game. We were throwing our cards back and forth rapidly and they could barely keep up with the action.

"You know better than that, girly. I'm an old man and I don't do anything I don't want to do. You wet-behind-the-ears youngsters can take all the dares you want, but I'm too old for this crap. Why, I remember when I was young. I took this dare from a Jedi by the name of Ezekiel. You wouldn't know him but…"

"No, I wouldn't know him. I don't even know myself." The last statement started in anger but it ended with resignation.

Luckily for both of our stubborn personalities, Carth chose this moment to arrive at the cantina.

"Hey guys, Jolee! Juhani! Bastila. It's so nice to see you all again. I didn't know you were going to be here." I may love the guy, but Carth can be completely clueless about people's moods. He clearly didn't sense the hostility radiating off of me. He also didn't see Jolee's confrontational stance. I would've thought the tension at the table was palpable even if you weren't a Jedi.

"We were a last minute addition." Juhani was always a diplomat. She was destined for a position on the Council. Jolee and I looked at each other and with a glance, agreed to drop the previous discussion until we were alone. Instead of continuing our acrimonious discussion, we joined in catching everyone up on the goings on from the past month.

As we all talked, it was like the separation hadn't happened. The discussions were lively and teasing abounded. Jolee told quite a few stories that I swear he made up on the spot, but they made all of us laugh. Bastila even joined in the teasing, which surprised me since she had never had a very good sense of humor.

The only topics that were avoided were the future and my history. No one talked about what we were all planning. No trips were mentioned, no living arrangements were discussed. I sat back and let the flow of conversation flow over me.

"Her face was classic. Do you remember it? Oh man, when she had to move those bloodworms off the Star Map in the Shadowlands, I've never had a better laugh. You'd think we'd asked her to gut a rancor single-handedly or something!" Jolee and Carth laugh intruded into my reverie as the table laughed at the shared memory of my humiliation.

"Hey! I'll have you remember the fact that I did gut a rancor single-handedly!"

"No, you got it to eat a grenade, totally different thing."

"Yeah, well, everyone has their weaknesses. I'm bug phobic, get over it! I remember when I asked you to cook, Carth. Let's not forget you, Jolee and the task of flying!" I couldn't help but laugh at the memories.

We were a loud boisterous group through the evening and into the dark hours of the night. The laughter got a little louder and the drinks flowed a little faster as we sat and laughed. It was almost as if we were finally decompressing from the stress of the previous yearlong journey.

The night eventually blurred. I don't really remember the conversations after a while. I had drunk more than my normal and was quite tipsy. Actually, to be blunt, I was drunk off my tail and needed help to walk as we all separated. I swayed desperately and found a stranger's arms supporting me. I smiled up at the man, probably quite stupidly, and was dragged away from him by Carth.

"Hiya, good looking, what's cooking?" I giggled, again probably quite stupidly. "Do you know that you're the handsomest-est pilot in the Republic or the Sith? There was this one pilot back on the Star Forge when Malak I first got it going and boy was he cute. But you, you're much more handsomer than him. Besides, he's dead now. The idiot tried to kiss me in front of a big room of people. Malak was not pleased, let me tell you." I didn't realize what I was saying. If I was sober, the words wouldn't have come out. Then again, if I was sober, the memory might not have come through either.

"Who killed him?" Carth's voice was disturbingly even, but I didn't realize it in my drunken stupor. I just giggled again.

"Oh, Malak did. Tortured him or something, who knows, I sure didn't want to know. He just disappeared and never came back. I got some girl pilot for my shuttle. She wasn't a very good pilot though. I think she got the lucky job cause Malak got lucky." I leered at Carth to emphasize my meaning and then giggled again.

"Did Malak kill all your interests?" That eerie voice that should not be coming from my moody pilot emerged from his mouth again.

"Don't know. Sometimes they disappeared and I didn't know where they went. After the pilot, I didn't get interested in anyone; didn't want to be losing valuable troops anymore." The conversation finally made its way into my foggy brain. "Hey, Carth, this is cool, I'm remembering more of my past! Isn't that good news?" I meant to twist my head slowly to the side and kiss his neck. Instead, my head went spinning backwards off Carth's shoulder and he had to catch me as I went tumbling to the ground. "My hero!"

Carth pulled me up and I overbalanced into his chest. With another giggle, I kissed the little bit of chest that was exposed. Carth was silent for the rest of the walk to the apartment he had secured for us. I kept chattering away about this and that, nothing memorable. We weren't approached by anyone, which should have surprised me. Instead, I concentrated on flirting outrageously, and quite drunkenly, with Carth.

"So, Carth me boy, what's the rank now? You move up to a captain now? Going to get your own ship and order a bunch of grunts around?"

"We'll talk in the morning. I really don't feel like talking right now." Carth sounded like he did on Taris when we first met. His voicewas pouty and, me being me, I couldn't resist teasing him.

"We back on Taris? Should I start insulting you so you'll talk to me? That always seemed to work."

"Revan, you don't need to know everything. It's not always about you! I have my own life, my own problems!" His anger started to eradicate my buzz. He was gesturing wildly with his hands.

"This is bigger than you getting a promotion, isn't it?" My voice was no longer light and flirtatious. I was still slurring words, but I was also using the Force as quickly as I could to sober myself.

"Give the girl a cookie, she wins the prize! Revan, every day with you, I learnsomething new and scary! I never know what's going on with you! I just… you know what; I don't want to get into this with you! I'm going to bed." Carth turned his back on me and started walking away. My brain raced through the past few minutes' worth of conversation as I tried to remember what happened to cause this wild mood swing.

"Carth, wait, let's get all this out in the open. What happened, what did I do?" I ran up behind him and put my hand on his shoulder. Before I could register his movement, he had grabbed that hand, twisted my arm and flipped me across the room. I just laid there on the floor in the remnants of the chair I had crash-landed against. My shoulder throbbed but I didn't register that either, as I looked at Carth.

Carth just stared at his hand, as if it wasn't really attached to him. His horrified gaze shifted from his hand to move around the room, conspicuously not looking at me, and then back to his hand. It was almost as if Carth expected whatever had just flung me across the room to come running into the room and take back their hand. The hand currently attached to his body couldn't possibly be his.

"I don't know if I deserved that or not, but the least you could do is explain what just happened." I stayed where I was. My body was shaking too hard to move. Adrenaline was pumping through my body, masking all the aches and pains I should treat before I crawl into bed. Of course, after what just happened, I didn't know what bed I was sleeping in, so crawling into one might be a bit difficult.

"I…I…I don't know. One minute I was…and the next you were…Oh frell. Where did that come from?" Carth dropped onto the sofa. His shoulders slumped forward and his head fell into his hands. "What just happened, Revan? I would never hurt you. I may get mad but I'd never hurt you. I didn't do anything when I found out you were really Revan, why would you asking me a question set me off like that? Hell, if you bugging me for answers was going to set me off like that, I would've thrown you around a million times over." Carth sounded like a lost five year old. I was hesitant to approach him after the recent outburst, but I pushed myself up and out of the remains of the chair, promptly getting abig chunk ofsynthetic wood in my hand. I crossed the room and sat on the couch next to him. I didn't try to touch him.

He twisted where he sat and threw his arms around me. We both clung tightly to each other. We didn't talk; I know I was too afraid of what would be said to think of trying.

"Let's go to bed, alright, Carth? We'll talk in the morning, just like you wanted. We'll hash all of this out after we get some sleep." Carth nodded against my shoulder and we headed into the bedroom. There was no friendly banter as we quickly got ready for bed.

We lay in bed with our backs facing each other, clearly trying to stay on our own sides of the bed. I know I was hugging the edge of the bed. I didn't want to set Carth off again. Although that wasn't the Carth that I knew out in the living room, I could see maybe where Dustil got his anger issues. Oh crap, I'd forgotten to tell Carth my good news about Dustil. I could hear Carth's deep rhythmic breathing and he was either doing a fantastic job faking sleep, or he was already asleep. No sense in waking him up and telling him now.

I didn't find it so easy to follow him into sleep. My mind kept replaying Carth's maneuver in the living room. I could feel the rage pouring off of him. He was moody, it's one of the things I love about him, but he wasn't volatile. Out in the living room was flat-out volatility. There had to be more at play here.

As I went over what could have caused his outburst, I finally fell asleep.

_After the vote of confidence out in the common area and Carth's blatant threats against me, I nodded and sedately walked to the female's quarters. When the ship started filling up, the entire crew agreed to split up the ship's sleeping quarters into male and female rooms. I calmly shut the door and then locked it. I dropped onto the floor._

_From my vantage point, I could see the individual personalities of the women onboard the Ebon Hawk. There were four disparate personalitiessharing the tight quarters.Three of the bunks had little characteristics that hinted at who slept where._

_Juhani's bunk was neat to the point of being sparse or minimilist. She kept everything neatly folded inside her pack. Her bed was made so tightly that you could bounce a credchip off it, if you had an extra credchip and the timeto waste doing that. The only thing that was not packed away was a small pile of datapads Juhani was currently using for some research._

_Bastila's bunk was neat also, but her area had some personal items neatly put away but still in plain view. Bastila had a mirror fastened to the railing of the bunk for her to secure her hair into that braided monstrosity she favored. Bastila would spend hours grooming herself. She'd take over the 'fresher for so long that the rest of the women had to use the men's 'fresher more times than we could count._

_Mission's bunk reflected her young and spunky personality. Her bunk wasn't made and, now that I was reflecting on it, hadn't been made since she'd boarded the ship on Taris. There weren't many female accessories in her area, no make-up or lotions. Instead, there were pieces of the spare hyperdrive scattered on top of her sheets, oil and grease soaking into the bedding and clothes that were unfortunate enough to be underneath. Her clothes were austere to the point of being masculine. Her favorite pieces of clothing, her puffy vests, were thrown all over her corner. The only thing neat in Mission's bunk were her Pazaak cards and her tools. _

_My areadidn't have much.That was probably because I didn't have much. I had a couple of items I'd collected since I woke up on the Endar Spire. There was my lightsaber put neatly away. I also had the Jedi robes I was so very proud to receive hanging neatly off the support railing. I'd pulled the top blanket up over the sheets, but nothing was tucked. There weren't any datapads scattered, no pazaak cards ready to grab for a game.There weren't any girly accoutrements, I was lucky that I remember to brush my hair with my fingers every once in a while. _

_I realized, as I looked around that each bunk did reflect our personalities. Mine didn't show any personality. That lack should have been my first clue. There was nothing personal, nothing that screamed "me". I came to the painful realization that I was a shell that had been programmed by the Jedi Council to go out and do one thing, give up the secrets of Revan to Bastila through our bond. Those secrets had manifested themselves into the Star Maps. _

_Now, the shell was truly empty. I didn't feel anything. I would've thought I'd feel rage at being lied to, by the Council, Bastila or Malak. I would've thought there'd be sadness or depression. Maybe a touch of regret would be added in along with a large helping of guilt. After all, Darth Revan had killed countless sentients. Instead, I felt a void in my soul. I wondered, did I even have a soul? If you die and come back, does your original soul come back or do you get a new one? Maybe I was a simulation or a droid of Revan._

_All during the search for the Star Maps, I'd allowed what I thought was my conscience to guide my actions. I thought it clearly knew right from wrong and didn't steer me towards the dark side. I'd let the Force guide me to my destiny. Instead, I realized that my previous experience along the same route was what had really guided me. My subconscious had steered me along, probably prompted by Bastila's poking aroundin my head._

_My gaze drifted back to Bastila's bunk. She was on the top bunk over my lower bunk. _There's a metaphor for you, she always thought she was morally superior to me. _I thought to myself. Maybe she was morally superior to me, I couldn't think of why she would have sacrificed herself for me. She had to have sacrificed herself for Carth and the rest of the crew. It wouldn't have been for me, I was Darth Revan, after all._

_The last statement kept echoing through my brain. I wasDarth Revan. I amDarth Revan. I wanted to deny it. I wanted to believe that Malak lied. A man who will slaughter entire planets wouldn't stop himself at a lie. He just didn't want me to find all the Star Maps and defeat him. He was jealous that we'd found the maps without turning to the dark side. He was doing anything but telling the truth. There couldn't be any truth in what he said. _

_I don't know how long I sat there trying to fool myself into not believing. Just as I started to discredit Malak's mocking announcement, something crept into my head to make me believe. I remembered the ease I'd grabbed the vibroblades that I supposedly wasn't experienced with. I remembered my awkwardness with blasters, something that any person traveling in the Outer Rim should be familiar with. I remembered convincing people and aliens on Taris to give up information or supplies to Carth and me. Even then, was I using the Force?_

_I remembered how easy it was for me to learn how to use the Force at the Enclave on Dantooine. It was easy because I already knew how to channel it. I had already received countless years of training. I'd already seen both sides of the Force, used both sides of the Force. There was little doubt as to why the Masters on Dantooine weren't shocked at my speed and ability. They were already familiar with my abilities and simply led me into exercises that re-familiarized me with the Force._

_I don't know how long I sat there on the floor behind the locked door before someone sliced it and came in. Whoever it was stood in the doorway for awhile; I didn't move my gaze from the floor in front of me. I wasn't fit company for anyone to be around. I kept thinking_ go away, please go away

_I kept my gaze steadily on the floor, even when a pair of Republic issue military boots materialized in front of me. Eventually, those boots were joined by the attached calves and knees as Carth crouched on the balls of his feet. __When Carth's hand cupped my chin and lifted my face, I didn't resist. I was so numb that I didn't really care one way or the other. If he'd pressed a blade to my throat and ripped it open, I wouldn't have cared. _

_Carth's face wasserious when we made eye contact. The emptiness I felt must have reflected in my gaze. He rolled back onto the floor and crossed his legs in front of him, still holding my chin. We just sat there staring at each other. I don't know how much time passed before his thumb started rubbing painful circles over my cheek. The pad of his thumb was rough as it agonizingly pressed into my cheek._

"_I'm sorry, beautiful. I can't let this continue." Carth twisted the hand that held my head and snapped my neck._

I woke up gasping for breath, feeling the snap of my bones breaking. I shook as I panted for breath. That wasn't what happened. Carth hadn't gotten violent, he definetely didn't snap my neck.

Instead, he'd just gotten really quiet for awhile. Then, we'd talked for what seemed like days as we hashed out how we were both feeling and reacting. By the time we landed on Tatooine, there was a tentative peace between the two of us. The friendship eventually rebuilt itself stronger than before and allowed for the evolution of the romantic attraction between the two of us.

I sat up and got out of bed. I needed a drink of water or something to take my mind off the flashback that turned into a nightmare. Carth was still sleeping as I made my way out into the living room.

"Statement: Does the Master require a meatbag blasted to help her sleep?" HK-47's voice caused me to jump as I crossed the room towards the small kitchen.

"No, HK, I don't need anyone blasted, but thank you. You can go back to sentry detail or whatever it was you were doing."

"Statement: I will stand guard and blast any miscreants attempting to enter the premises." I rolled my eyes as HK's voice got jubilant at the prospect of killing and maiming.

"HK, how about only blasting those that mean us harm? I'd hate for you to blast a friend, say, Mission?"

"Statement: The Master shows wisdom.

"Extrapolation: If I were to blast a meatbag friend of the Master's, the Master would be upset with me.

"Further Clarification: The Master would threaten to deactivate me."

"HK, I can promise you this, if you shoot one of my friends or anyone that could possibly be a friend, I wouldn't just threaten to deactivate you. I'd send pieces of you to every corner of the galaxy." I crossed my arms in front of me as I stared at my pet assassin droid.

"Statement: That sounds painful.I do not wish to be scattered across the galaxy.

"Placation: I will only shoot the meatbags that the Master approves."

"Thanks, HK, I appreciate that. I'd hate to dismantle you. Life just wouldn't be the same without you around." I patted him on the shoulder. A thought occurred to me. "HK, where were you earlier this evening?"

"Query: Could the Master be more explicit in the timeframe?"

"Yeah, when Carth and I arrived late this evening, where were you?" I had a nightmare flash of HK killing Carth because of the throw across the room. We hadn't sorted it out yet and I didn't want him killed before he could explain.

"Statement: Ah, Master, I was patrolling the balcony, as requested by the Master's personal meatbag slave." So HK hadn't seen Carth's rage. That was about the only bright spot of the whole night. If anyone was going to hurt Carth for hurling me across a room, it was going to be me.

"Right, ok then, thanks and carry on, HK. You're doing a great job." HK went back to his corner and stood scanning the room with his blaster rifle at the ready.

After downing the cup of water quickly, I went to the 'fresher. I finished my business and cleaned my hands. As I turned around, I had to swallow a startled yelp. My dead brother glowed an eerie blue in front of me.

* * *

FYI, I started a series of "Interludes" before, during and after KOTOR I and KOTOR II if you'd like to read them. They're my interpretations of what happened "behind the scenes" and are not meant to be a retelling of the games. They will probably be humorous, as this story is a wee bit angsty and sometimes I need a break from angst. Whether you like them or not, feel free to let me know.

Same goes for this story. The feedback helps me focus where I'm going with this, as I really don't have much of a plan of how to get where I want to go.


	11. Disclosures

I blinked and the image didn't waver. Malak was still glowing in front of me, in the 'fresher. Every padawan hears stories about old masters appearing through the Force but I didn't expect it to happen in a 'fresher. Somehow, it just seems wrong that I'd get a visit in a 'fresher. At least he'd waited until I'd finished my business.

"Surprised to see me, Revan?"

"Uh, well, yeah, actually, I am surprised to see you. What brings you to my 'fresher?" Malak's ghost was in front of the door leading out and I really didn't want to walk through him to exit. Just the thought of it creeped me out. Malak responded to me by giving me a sardonic grin.

"You need to work on your memory issues, Revan." Malak leaned back against the door and folded his arms over his chest. His body might have changed in the afterlife, but his clothes hadn't. He still wore his cape and scary looking suit. I always thought when you became one with the Force; you got some nifty glowing Jedi robes or something. I glanced down at my ragged underwear. If what you died in is what you wore in the afterlife, I was going to look like a beggar for eternity. Maybe I should start listening to Mission and get some new clothes for both Carth and me. I didn't want to embarrass anyone in the afterlife and I really didn't want Carth wearing that horrid orange jacket for eternity.

"Revan, you worry about the strangest things." Malak's laugh interrupted my thoughts.

"Huh, what?" My dumb response made Malak's grin spread across his face. He had a beautiful smile. I wondered if he looked like either of our parents. I don't remember anything about them personally. I felt like a horrible daughter for not remembering the parents that loved me enough to give me up.

"I could be a cryptic apparition and tell you to travel to some random planet that will give you a clue to where you actually want to travel to, but I won't. What I will tell you is that you need to go to Deralia."

"I'm not going anywhere until I settle some things here."

"Ah yes, your pilot has some anger issues."

"I was thinking of his promotion, getting the crew settled and researching in the Jedi Archive for more of my history." I sat down on the counter that surrounded the sink. "You know, if you need to use the facilities, I can step out." Malak's laugh barked out of him.

"You always did make jokes at the most inopportune moments. I'm glad to see that you didn't forget that."

"Yeah, well, I guess a sense of humor is genetic or something because I sure don't remember cracking jokes before the whole capture thing."

"Revan, what makes you the person you are will not change. At the core of yourself, you are still you, whether you had been captured or not. You know this in your heart."

"Do I, Malak? Do I really? If I was a good person, how did I fall so far into the dark side?"

"When we started along our path, we started with the best of intentions in reaching our goal. Our goal never changed, just the way we went about achieving it. The Mandalorian threat had to be alleviated and we were the ones that saved the galaxy. Somehow, we went from saving the galaxy for the Republic to saving the galaxy from the Republic. The dark side is, perhaps, the path of least resistance. We followed the easier path to power. The allure of all that power is hard to resist. A Master once told us, 'ultimate power ultimately corrupts" and it was true for us." A knock on the 'fresher door sounded.

"Revan, you in there?"

"The true test of who you are at the core is coming up again. Head to Deralia and find your past and when you do, you'll find your future." With those cryptic words, Malak faded from view. Why do all Jedi use cryptic words and phrases? Why was everything a big mystery to them? Why couldn't they just say, here's the information you needed, good luck?

I opened the door to find Carth standing on the other side. We stared at each other awkwardly. The harmony that had existed between the two of us from the very beginning was missing.

"Hey, sorry, I thought I heard voices in there." Carth shuffled his weight from one foot to the other. His hands drifted from his sides into a shrug and then went back to his sides.

"I was talking to…myself." I didn't want to tell Carth that Malak was visiting me in the 'fresher, I figured that might be a little awkward. The one thing we didn't need more of was more awkwardness between us.

"Oh, ok." I hadn't seen Carth at a loss for words in quite a while. "So, uh, what do you want for breakfast?"

"I'm not very hungry. I think I'm going to skip it. I thought I'd meditate or something instead."

"Revan, you need to eat. You're too skinny as it is. See?" Carth reached out and pinched my stomach through one of the holes in my sleepwear, which just happened to be my underwear. My mind flashed back to my earlier contemplation of death and clothing. It brought a smile to my face.

"Carth, do you think, when we die, we get to pick what we wear in the afterlife? Or, do you think we get stuck wearing whatever we died in for eternity?"

"Huh? Where'd that come from?" Carth looked baffled. "Come on, I'll make you something." Hmm, he must be feeling absolutely horrible about last night if he was willing to brave the kitchen for me.

"I'm not hungry. If you want something, I'm sure HK will make it for you." HK moved out of the corner where he had stationed himself.

"Statement: Master, I am a highly trained droid with multiple skills, including assassination, language and protocol. Surely I do not deserve to be subjected to kitchen detail?" If a droid could whine, then HK sure was whining like the best of them.

"HK, placation:" I mocked, "don't think of it as cooking. Think of it as assassinating whatever components make up the breakfast you're going to prepare for Carth." Carth laughed as he moved into the kitchen to start his own breakfast. HK pushed Carth out of the kitchen and started cooking.

"So, you didn't answer my question. You think we get new clothes on the other side?" I sat on one of the bar stools that looked into the kitchen. I started twirling side to side on it.

"Revan, you worry about the strangest things." Carth sat down next to me and put his hand on my knee to stop me from spinning.

"You're not the first to tell me that. I'm sure you won't be the last. Come on, answer!"

"Ok, then, I guess I think we get to pick what we want to wear."

"Yeah, that's what I think too. I sure would hate to be stuck in this for the rest of my eternity. How would I hold my head up? I can imagine the teasing now, Darth Revan stuck in eternity in holey underwear." We both chuckled at the thought. My voice sobered. "That would be a sort of cosmic justice though."

"Revan, I never thought these words would come out of my mouth. So, hear me out and don't interrupt." Carth paused while I nodded. "Revan, I hated you and blamed you for years for Telos. That blame was misplaced. You didn't order the destruction of Telos, Malak did. You didn't bomb Telos, Saul Karath did. I'm sorry that I jumped on you, threatened you and didn't trust you.

"Last night, I was wrong. More than being wrong, I was seriously demented to have touched you that way. I honestly don't know what happened. One minute, we were arguing and the next, you were across the room." I looked pointedly from Carth to HK and back again. Carth got the point because he glossed over what happened. "You were so blasé about Malak's treatment of your boyfriends. It brought back that anger and also made me scared. I know it's irrational, but for a minute, I was scared.

"Nothing excuses what I did, though. I can't say anything to make you understand or tell you how sorry I am."

"Carth, the next time I end up across the room, you'd better have a really good reason or you'll end up zapped with something. You're not the first person to put me across a room, you won't be the last. We need to work on our trust issues." I put my hand over his where it rested on my knee.

"You mean I need to work on my trust issues." Carth's voice sounded sadly resigned.

"That's not what I said and it's not what I meant. I have trust issues too. We both just need to communicate more. Half the time, I don't say stuff to you because I'm afraid of how you'll react and maybe I'll lose you or something." Carth's hand flipped over and grabbed mine tightly.

"You won't lose me, beautiful, no matter what you tell me."

"So, if I tell you that I wasn't talking to myself in the 'fresher and instead, I was talking to Malak, you wouldn't freak out?" Carth's eyebrows winged up in surprise.

"You were talking to Malak? He's dead, there's no way to talk to him."

"He was a Jedi, Carth. Jedi can become one with the Force. It isn't just a rumor. Malak became one with the Force. He wanted to point me in the right direction to find my past."

"So, your dead brother and the former Overlord of the Sith met you in the 'fresher to tell you where to go to find your past?" Carth's tone was disbelieving.

"See, trust issues, we have trust issues."

"Uh, yeah, I see that. What else did he have to say?"

"That was about it. He told me to go to some planet and discover my past which would lead to me discovering my destiny and blah blah blah."

"Statement: I would be honored to accompany you on this mission. You will need protection from the resident meatbags there." HK flipped Carth's omelet onto a plate and laid it in front of him.

"HK, I'm not going anytime soon. I have things to finish here."

"Query: do those things include blasting meatbags?"

"Hopefully not, HK, sorry." I didn't think a droid could look crestfallen, but somehow, HK managed to convey that feeling.

"Statement: you made much use of my skills before our reunion." HK sounded depressed. "Query: Does the Master give permission for me to resume patrol?"

"Sure, HK, have fun. No killing unless I tell you to." HK glumly moved out of the kitchen and back to his corner. "So, Carth, what plans do you have for the day?"

"I have meetings at HQ for most of the day, you?"

"I'm going to raid the archives and see if I can weasel some information out of Jolee. He knows more than he's sharing." I also wanted to find out more on Deralia and its connection to me but I wasn't going to share that information yet. When dealing with the Council, I've quickly learned you need to keep your cards close to the chest.

"Alright, then, I'm going to use the 'fresher and head out." Carth escaped to the relative privacy of the 'fresher while I went out onto the balcony.

Coruscant pulsated with the Force. I could feel the ebb and flow of all that life energy. There were so many negative thoughts and feelings. Stronger than that, though, was the underlying feeling of hope. Coruscant, at its core, felt peaceful.

I sat down and let the Force flow through me. Meditation soothed me. Some people worked out problems or contemplated great mysteries. For me, on the other hand, the mind emptied and I just was. My meditation time was spent being. My daily life was a great mystery, so I didn't find the need to spend a little free time contemplating that even more. In the same vein, my life was a big problem that I was already focusing on solving. I just enjoyed the time to be.

My awareness through the Force spread out away from the apartment. It slid through the urban canyons of Coruscant, never stopping anywhere for too long. Canderous was in an apartment practicing katas as I slid through. Mission and Big Z were in the next apartment over playing Pazaak with Mission chattering away. A couple of Duros were arguing in a shop a few buildings over. A pair of lovers reunited at a landing platform. Carth worried along his trek to the fleet headquarters.

Eventually, I came back to myself and got ready to head to the Jedi Temple. I had just stepped out of the shower when my comm went off. I mentally rolled my eyes, what is with me getting visitors in the 'fresher? Canderous and I had a very short conversation that consisted of him telling me I was going to do one thing and me insisting on another. That conversation ended when I hung up on him.

Immediately after I ended the call, there was a knock on the door. I was still dripping from the shower so I had to scramble for something to put on. The knock came again, this time louder and longer.

After looking through at the camera feed, I threw the door open.

"What do you want?" I was dressed in a towel, my hair was hanging in a tangled mess over my eyes and I was still dripping.

"You're heading out in that?" Canderous' voice didn't have any inflection but I swear I saw him wiggle his eyes suggestively at me. He pushed past me and sat down on the sofa.

"I'm not going anywhere but the bedroom in this." I retorted.

"Is that an invitation?" Canderous only raised an eyebrow at me.

"HK, he tries to get into the bedroom, you are allowed to maim him." I instructed as I let out a frustrated groan. I regally turned and flounced towards the bedroom.

"Statement: It will give me great joy to maim this meatbag." HK pulled his blaster rifle to his shoulder.

"The dramatic exit would work better if your butt wasn't hanging out. It's a nice butt, by the way." I ran the rest of the way to the bedroom and slammed the door. I could hear Canderous' unique laughter echoing down the hall as I changed as quickly as possible. As I put on yet another set of ragged clothing, I made a mental note to invest in some new clothes, just in case Carth and I were wrong about the afterlife. Once I was dressed, I went back out to the living room.

"Nice, but I preferred your previous look." Canderous laughed again.

"Yeah, well, dream on, old man." Canderous only laughed harder. "Hey, seriously, though, I have a philosophical question for you." Canderous rolled his eyes at me and smirked.

"What makes you think I'd know anything about a philosophical question that you don't? You're the Jedi, not me."

"You've seen more, experienced more and done more than anyone I know other than me and I don't remember much of it. So, do you think, when we die, we get stuck in the same clothes we died in? Or, do you think we get to pick clothes on the other side?"

"I hope that when you die, I'll get to see you in your raggedy underwear for all of eternity." Canderous stood up and walked towards the door. "I don't know and I don't really care. I don't worry about the afterlife. The place to make your mark is here and now. People will not remember your clothes; they will only remember your deeds." He opened up the door and we walked down the hallway.

"What you're saying is that people won't remember me as me, but me as Darth Revan?"

"That isn't what I said. People will remember you as both Darth Revan and the great Jedi Revan, defeater of Malak. They will remember your conquests during the Mandalorian Wars. They will remember your battle prowess, your skill with a lightsaber and your destruction of the Star Forge. They will not remember that you wear Jedi Robes that have holes older than you. They won't remember that you don't comb your hair. With great deeds, history won't care that your one sock doesn't match the other." I lifted my robes a little and looked down at my feet. Sure enough, I had a white and a black sock on my feet. _There's another metaphor for you_, I thought to myself.

"Thanks, Canderous. You always know exactly what to say. You do have a philosophical streak, you Jedi you." I winked at the man walking beside me. He merely turned and growled at me.

"I'll remember that, Revan. Mandalorians have a long memory for insults."

"You're real good at making threats, Canderous. By the way, don't think I didn't notice that you conned your way into escorting me to the Temple when I didn't want you to."

"It took you long enough to notice."

"I noticed a long time ago, we were too busy discussing philosophy like a couple of Jedi." I couldn't resist needling him some more. Canderous always steadied me by making me focus on the nitty-gritty core reality of a situation. He hardly ever aggravated me, which is quite a feat. "Are you looking forward to working in the archives with me? If you're nice, I'll let you reshelf the materials after I'm done with them." I flashed a mischievous grin at him.

"I'm only escorting you to the Temple; I'm not going inside with you. A temple full of Jedi should be able to keep you safe."

"Well, they're no Canderous of Clan Ordo but I think they may be able to do the job."

"You just remember that." We'd reached the Temple. I felt the same sense of awe that I'd felt the day before. There was such a beautiful flow of the Force spreading out from the building. "This is where I leave you. When you're ready to head back, comm someone. You should not be without an escort. There is safety in numbers." Canderous walked off before I could respond.

Digging through the archives was like pulling teeth from a krayt dragon. I'm not a computer person. I'm more of a hack and slash person. I was beginning to wish I'd brought Mission along. She'd slide into the system and not leave any trace behind.

I didn't bring her along though. I was keeping everything about my research to myself. There was no way I was explaining my morning visit in the 'fresher. It was a little embarrassing, besides being really hard to explain.

I really regretted Mission's absence though. If I saw the words "access denied" or "invalid command" one more time, I was going to put my lightsaber through the viewscreen. After another fifteen minutes of frustration, I gave up. I was not a calm serene Jedi at this point. As far as I was concerned, computers were a tool of the dark side.

It was just my luck that, as I was contemplating ways to rid the galaxy of the scourge of computers, I ran into Master Vrook.

"Deep thoughts, Jedi Revan?" His tone was almost polite as he steadied me.

"Master Vrook, I apologize for my inattention." I bowed politely and started to walk away.

"Jedi Revan, may I have a few minutes of your time?" I grimaced but tried to hide it. I didn't succeed as Master Vrook's normally dour face broke into an imitation of a smile. "I promise not to torture you."

"Of course, Master Vrook." I followed him to his office. It was austere and sterile. There were no clues to the man that worked here.

"You are researching your past." I wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement.

"I thought you said no interrogations."

"Actually, Jedi Revan, I said no torture." Master Vrook's face cracked into a smile once more. I wondered if he had gotten into some Tarisian ale before this conversation. Was this the same Master Vrook that baited me at every meeting, accused me of despicable evils in the recent past all while scowling menacingly?

"Fine, I'm researching the past that no one seems willing to discuss with me."

"The Council owes you an apology for not helping you more along your journey. However, we, I, will not apologize for attempting to mislead you as to your previous identity. Darth Revan was a threat that had to be addressed. We did what we could to confront that issue."

"Point taken, Master Vrook, however, after learning about my resistance to the dark path multiple times, I should have been made aware of the past. Making me aware could have saved us quite a bit of time and trouble."

"When were we to have the time to tell you? Dantooine was bombed almost right after your departure. We were quite busy with preserving what little we had left. If you were truly on the light path, you would remember that, instead of hurling selfish accusations." There was the Master Vrook I knew and disliked. The nice voice we started the interview with had been replaced by his icy tone.

"Master Vrook, why do you dislike me so much?" Vrook's face showed amazement. Whether it was amazement at the baldness of the question or the question itself, I wasn't sure.

"I do not dislike you. However did you get that impression?"

"You are, to be blunt, antagonistic, condescending, demeaning and accusatory towards me. All those signs point to you disliking me. Otherwise, if this is how you treat people you like, I'd hate to see how you treat your enemies. Perhaps the Sith could learn a thing or two from you." I expected Vrook to start hurling past deeds at me as justification for his actions.

"Revan, I meant to challenge you, not antagonize you. Perhaps the issues between us originate with me. I care too much about your success or failure." I noticed that Master Vrook didn't use my title.

"Forgive me if I find that hard to believe."

"It is true, Revan. Take this." Master Vrook tossed a datapad at my head. I caught it reflexively. "This will have all the information that the archives possess relating to you and your history. You need not worry about hurting our computers any longer."

"I wasn't actually going to do anything that I threatened. Thank you, though."

"Jedi Revan, we all do care about you. The Council must contemplate more than one person's future. We are responsible for the lives and futures of billions. We must look at the larger issues and the ramifications of larger actions."

"Perhaps the Council spends too much looking at the big picture. Had you focused on one person's future, Darth Revan would not have slaughtered billions. One grain of sand, one person, sends ripples throughout the Force. Perhaps focusing on the people instead of the planet or the galaxy would solve problems before they became big issues.

"You disapprove of my relationship with Carth." Master Vrook made to interrupt but I held up a hand to ward off whatever he was going to say. "You disapprove of Carth, but I have learned many things from him and the rest of my crew. One thing I learned from him is that a little bit of preventive maintenance keeps a small issue from becoming a larger issue. If you tighten that loose screw on your hyperdrive, you won't risk blowing it out later and floating like a mynock in space."

"Well put, Jedi Revan, there is great wisdom in what you say." I decided, while the caustic master was being so friendly to advance my question of the day to him.

"Speaking of wisdom, Master Vrook, may I pose a question that has been worrying me?"

"Of course, I will attempt to answer as well as I may."

"When someone dies, does that person get to pick their clothes for the afterlife or do you wear what you die in?" Master Vrook coughed that I suspected was actually a laugh. I wasn't sure though, since I sincerely doubted that Vrook knew how to laugh.

"I believe that you get to pick. I have been visited by many of my compatriots that are one with the Force and they were not in the clothes they passed in." Master Vrook templed his hands under his chin as he reclined back in the chair. "Does that answer your question?"

"Um, yeah, it does, thanks. You know, when you're not baiting me, you're not that bad of a guy." Master Vrook actually laughed. I guess he did know how to laugh.

"Revan, when you're not being stubborn, you are a breath of fresh air." It was my turn to laugh. We were starting to establish a peace between us.

"If you promise to take that board off your back, I'd be willing to talk more with you." Was that me that just said that? I really didn't like Master Vrook, so why was I volunteering to spend time in his presence? The shock on my face clearly conveyed itself to him.

"I will look forward to that. Perhaps, in the future, you will not view talking with me as an interrogation or torture session." Master Vrook stood up and I followed suit.

After I made my way out of his office, after shaking the acerbic master's hand, much to my dismay, I looked up Juhani's room number. I was relieved that she answered the door.

"You look upset, Revan." Blunt and to the point, that's what I love about Juhani.

"Yeah, it's turned into a rough day. Master Vrook was nice to me and I ended up volunteering to talk to him in the future. I think that man used a Jedi Mind Trick on me or something." Juhani laughed at me. "Hey, you wanna spar?" Juhani was my favorite sparring partner. She combined all the best qualities of the rest of the crew. She was fiendishly clever like Mission, experienced like Carth, strong with a military background like Canderous and used her Jedi powers with more experience than Bastila. Most people saw a slender female Jedi but her Cathari body was deceptive. Not only she was strong, she was extremely flexible. I've seen her bend her body into positions that bodies really weren't meant to achieve. All of these qualities added to her intelligence and martial culture and you got one of the toughest opponents available.

"Let me check my schedule." Juhani smiled at me as she pulled up her schedule. After checking her lightsaber and gestured me towards the door. "I have some time until I must teach a class."

"What are you teaching?" We walked to the sparring room. It was relatively free of other groups.

"Beginning lightsaber forms, if you're free, you could join us."

"I'm sure that'll be entertaining, it'll bring back fond memories of training on Dantooine."

Juhani and I bowed to each other and launched our attacks. Just like when I meditated, I lost myself in the rhythm of battle. Time flew as we challenged each other. I could feel her movements though the Force. Everything pulsed in colorful shades of the Force.

By the time the pre-set alarm sounded, letting us know our time had arrived, Juhani and I were drenched in sweat. Our clothes clung to us and we were both panting loudly. The fight ended in a draw.

"You almost defeated me. Canderous has taught you some very sneaky moves I must remember." Juhani and I talked as we walked to her quarters. After I showered, I realized that I didn't have anything else to wear. Juhani kindly lent me one of her robes. It was nicer than mine but way too long.

"I feel like a Jawa."

"You look like one. You'd do an even better impression if you'd speak in their language like you did on Tantooine."

"Don't tempt me." We giggled at the thought. I watched Juhani's class of padawans. Some of them were quite talented while others would never be great. She didn't introduce me as I sat in the back of the room. Still, I heard the whispers and I caught the stares. Juhani must have noticed their inattention also.

"Since you are all more interested in our observer, perhaps she would be kind enough to show you her practice katas." I grinned as I made my way to the front of the room. I went through one of my more complicated katas. The students clapped as I bowed to them at the end.

"Thank you, honored Jedi Knight. Class dismissed." There was one student that hung behind the rest. Juhani beckoned him forward. He looked familiar with a lock of sandy hair that kept falling over his forehead.

"Jedi, may I introduce Padawan Dustil Onasi?"

"We've met. It is a pleasure to see you again, Dustil. How have you been?" I reached my hand out to shake his when he ignited his lightsaber and swung at my neck.

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Please review, if you'd be so kind. I'm kinda wondering if I should continue this or not since I don't know how many of you all are actually reading this and/or liking it without getting some reviews. 


	12. A Day in the Life

Jedi wisdom says that when you're about to die, you are filled with the peace and serenity of the Force. There was no serenity and definitely no peace for me. How wonderfully ironic that I die at the hands of a Sith I helped convince to turn his back on the dark side. This was really not my day.

With amazing control, Dustil stopped his lightsaber a hair-breadths away from my neck. The energy from his blood red saber singed the hair off my neck. I could feel the occasional spark leave a burn on my neck. I was proud of myself that I didn't flinch as I stood there. I wanted to, quite honestly, his lightsaber was burning my neck, and I could feel the heat and redness.

"Admirable control, Dustil, I really think you're in the wrong class. You're obviously more advanced than beginning lightsaber forms." When was I going to learn to keep my mouth shut? When was the decorum so honored by the Jedi actually going to take hold of my runaway mouth?

"You dare to taunt me when I have my lightsaber so close to your neck?"

"I keep having to say this to the Onasi men. You aren't the first to do this and you won't be the last. Well, then again, maybe you will be the last. Perhaps you're more a Sith than I ever thought."

"You are the Sith. You are a fraud and a liar. The galaxy will be a better place without your evil taint in it." Dustil's young face was twisted into a fierce scowl of concentration. Every survival instinct in me was screaming for me to roll my head to the side and ignite my lightsaber into his gut. Even better, I could always zap him with some Force Lightening, to really show the dark side taint he was talking about. Yeah, that would really show him.

"Guilty as charged, at least on the fraud part. I have to differ on the liar part; I didn't know the truth, so how could I lie? As I'm guilty on at least one count, why don't you finish your strike? If you'd like, you could pull your lightsaber back and get a full swing in. I won't move or deny you your opportunity. You will make countless billions in the galaxy happen when you kill me." Dustil's face showed his shock at my statements.

"You would just let me strike you down without putting up a fight?" His lightsaber wavered as his focus changed. Fortunately for me, it wavered away from me. The smell of charred flesh was starting to turn my stomach. The pain, which had been excruciating had dulled, probably because he'd burnt the rest of the nerve endings.

"She might, but I won't." Juhani's lightsaber flared to life and thrust Dustil's away from me. "You show why you will never advance. You have no control and too much rage."

"Juhani, he's only saying what billions are saying. He has complete control of his rage."

"You are wrong; his rage has complete control of him. That is why he fell before and that is why he will fall again."

"History repeats itself, doesn't it, Juhani? We have all fell for the same reasons. I fell because I felt rage at the Mandalorian attacks and the Council's refusal to intercede. You fell because you felt rage at your Master."

"I'm not like you, Revan." He spit my name like an expletive. "I haven't slaughtered people."

"You haven't, through your actions, either direct or indirect, caused people harm or even death? Of course you haven't. You didn't torment prospective students on Korriban and of course you stopped those that tortured wannabes to death. You never applauded Sith victories. You didn't view Saul Karath, the man at the helm of the bombardment of Telos, as a replacement father figure. You were an underground hero. You subverted the Sith movement."

"We…we…we aren't discussing my actions. We're discussing yours." Dustil's voice, so strong and self-assured a few moments ago, now wavered and sounded like a lost and confused young child.

"Actually, I think we were discussing redemption for past actions." I noticed the look of confusion pass across Dustil's face. "I'm an easy target, Dustil. I was Darth Revan, I acknowledge that fact. Just because I don't remember being Darth Revan doesn't mean it's not a fact. I perpetuated horrible acts of atrocity. There is nothing that I can do that will atone for those actions. There is nothing that I can say that will bring back the people killed.

"I can only keep walking the path of light and hope that I improve the lives of those in the galaxy now. You can either keep on the same path or you can change it. Whether you want to or not, that's up to you."

"I'm not going to be like you!"

"That would be unfortunate, padawan, you could learn much from Jedi Revan. She walks a clear and honorable path of goodness. Come with me, we have much to discuss with the Masters." Juhani firmly gripped Dustil's shoulders and pulled him out of the room. She shot a quick glance back at me as they left. I'm not sure if it was to say, sorry for that, or if it was way to go on handling that.

I felt the curious stares of the padawans throughout the Temple as I left. I wanted to go home and take a nap. It'd been a long day, maybe I'd even get an uninterrupted visit in the 'fresher. A girl could hope, after all.

I didn't think about Canderous' demand that I comm him when I finished at the Temple so I could have an escort. Instead, I concentrated on putting on foot in front of the other. My gaze never really raised beyond a few feet in front of me. I had too much in my head to worry about my surroundings.

My inattention proved to be detrimental as I felt a dart imbed itself into my side. Numbness started spreading from my waist through the rest of my body. I didn't react fast enough with Force Healing to stop the flow. I only had time to dial out randomly on my comm before my body was immobilized completely. No one on the streets seemed to notice that a Jedi Knight had just been attacked on the street. One human male actually stepped over my prone body to continue along his way.

I was still cognizant as my attackers came up to me. I could hear the brawny tones of a Devaronian as I lay there, looking up at the towering buildings. A Rodian answered him as they crowed about their catch. _Bounty hunters_, I thought, _why me?_ This was really not my day.

"I thought Jeedai were harder to capture. This one was easy."

"Perhaps too easy, this may be a trick." The Rodian looked around nervously. He twitched as he moved, probably hyped up on glitterstim. Great, how was I going to explain this to the crew? I'd gotten myself nabbed by a couple of glit-bits right out in broad daylight. Canderous was going to kill me.

"Let's get her out of here. Someone might stop." The Devaronian picked me up and laughed as my arms lolled off to the side. Since I couldn't do anything else, I kept mental notes of all the twists and turns and some landmarks so that when I got control of my body, I could haul carcass out of there.

We eventually ended up in a seedy little apartment on top of an even worse looking cantina. They tossed my inert body onto the bed and laughed as I sunk into the mattress without bouncing. I think the floor would've been softer than that bunk. The bounty hunters used their comlinks but the conversation was so low that I couldn't really hear what they were saying. I only heard a few words consisting of "capture" "Jedi" "bounty".

I have no idea how long I lay there as my captors played Pazaak to pass the time. I only hoped my own comlink was still on and that tracking device Canderous had snuck into it was active. He'd thought he was being tricky but I'd noticed right away he'd tampered with my 'link. I may not be mechanically inclined, but I'm not completely clueless. I'd had HK look at the 'link and he'd told me what Canderous had done. It wasn't harming anything, so I'd left it alone. Now, I was glad that I'd done it. It didn't seem like I was going to get control of my body anytime soon.

There was a knock on the doors and the two glit-bits quickly answered it. _Just my luck_, I thought, _a Sith Lord_. This Sith Lord was wearing the full robes and was looking properly evil. A mechanical voice came from behind the Force Mask that adorned the face.

"You have the Jedi?" I couldn't tell if this Sith Lord was a male or female, human or not. There was nothing remarkable about the height and there was no obvious sign of protrusions to give away the species. It spoke Basic with no inflection, probably compliments of its modulator.

"We have the Jeedai. She is right here." The Rodian walked over to me and gestured down. The Sith Lord followed and a slight chuckle escaped the mask.

"I will pay your price." It tossed a bag of credchips at the bounty hunters and, with a gesture, floated me into the air. I was forced to float behind the Sith as it winded its way through countless alleys as I lost track of the twists and turns. We finally ended up in an even filthier quarter of Coruscant. I was really getting the opportunity to tour the dredges of Coruscanti society.

"I understand from my compatriots that you claim to be the Sith Lord, Revan. Is this true?" Obviously the Sith that were left were of the idiot variety, if I couldn't move any part of my body, how did this creature expect me to answer them? I couldn't even blink, for Force's sake.

"You cannot hope to resist me." Like I was really trying, there was no way I could answer. If it wanted to take my inability to move as resistance, it was more than welcome. "I admire your dedication to the Jedi ways, but the Sith have their ways of getting information from their victims." All I could think was, _yeah, good luck with that, you idiot. _

"You will answer me. Save yourself the pain of torture and confess to your lies now."

"Did you get hit with the idiot stick or are you naturally this stupid?" Did that actually come out of my mouth? If I could move my mouth, maybe I could…

"You dare call me stupid? You do not know who you are talking to, imposter!" The Sith paced back and forth as it continued its rant. "I will be the next Supreme Sith Lord. I will follow in Revan and Malak's footsteps. I shall rule the Sith Empire and conquer your weak Republic. The Jedi Order will feel the wrath of…" Whoever was behind the robes stopped the tirade when I put it in a stasis field. I hit it in the pressure point on the back of the neck, hoping it was at least humanoid enough to have it and luckily enough for me, it collapsed, unconscious.

"Now, let's see who you are, you Supreme Sith Lord you. Supreme Sith Lord, who talks like that? Seriously, how pompous, if you'd just gotten to your point instead of posturing, you'd have had me. Instead, you just kept going on and on and you captured yourself." I ripped the Force Mask off the creature's face and found myself staring at a young human girl, no older than Dustil. I bound her hands and, to satisfy my ego, floated her behind me like she'd done to me.

After exiting the slum that my "friend" had called home, I had no clue where to go. I grabbed the 'link off the girl and called Canderous. He didn't sound happy with me when he picked up.

"You'd better have a good reason for not calling earlier."

"I figured you'd know where I was at, what with the tracker and all."

"Just stay where you are. I'm on my way." Canderous hung up on me before I could say anything else or warn him about my Supreme Sith Lord. After twenty minutes of glaring and looking menacingly at anyone who even thought of looking at me, Canderous showed up.

"Who's the floater?" Canderous didn't look surprised to see me. "What's that in your side?" I looked down. Sure enough, there was the dart still hanging in my robes. "What did you do to your neck?" Hm, I'd forgotten about that. "How did you conquer the Mandalorian people when you can't even be trusted to cross the street?"

"I can too! This wasn't my fault!" After my protestation, I remembered the bus incident on our first day, was it just yesterday, on Coruscant.

"Come on, you can explain on the way. We need a place to stash your floater."

"We'll take her to the Temple. They'll be able to do something with her. She's a Supreme Sith Lord, you know." At my ironic tone, Canderous cocked an eyebrow at me. I quickly brought him up to speed. I slightly exaggerated the number of bounty hunters to make me feel better about getting captured.

As we walked up the steps into the Temple, I finished the story. "So she was going on about being the Supreme Sith Lord and bragging about taking over the galaxy when I just knocked her out. It was great. I wish I could have seen her face."

"And, how many were there that you battled through again?" We walked through the foyer of the Temple. We got a lot of funny looks as we bantered back and forth with the girl floating trailing behind us.

"There were at least fifty. I took out a good thirty of them before the drugs took effect."

"I thought you said there were at least thirty and you took out a good twenty of them? You are a terrible liar. How many were there, honestly?"

"Honestly?" Canderous nodded. "There were two." Canderous laughed. The Jedi we passed looked askance at the Mandalorian laughing in their midst. "But they were hyped up on glitterstim." My justification only made Canderous laugh harder.

We eventually entered the Council's antechamber. The majordomo for the Council stared in shock at our group. He quickly ran in to the Council and we had permission within seconds of entering.

"Jedi Revan, I understand that you brought us a gift." One of the Masters I was not familiar with addressed me.

"Yes, Masters, I have brought a self-appointed Supreme Sith Lord." I pulled the mask off the girl. The Masters shared looks but didn't appear shocked or amazed. "I was attacked after I left the Temple by some bounty hunters." I looked over at Canderous, daring him to tell the Masters just how many had managed to get the jump on me. He only snorted. "They sold me to this Sith Lord."

"We have much to discuss. Thank you for bringing this to our attention."

"I'm not going to be part of this discussion? I'm the one that was attacked." I was a little upset about not being included.

"That is one of the things we'd like to discuss, Jedi Revan." Master Vrook's voice wasn't caustic. "Please trust in the Council."

"I'll leave it in your hands, then. I'll keep hauling in whatever Sith are attacking me so you can discuss them at length." I turned and walked out of the room, with Canderous laughing behind me.

"What are you laughing at?" I wasn't in a very good mood. This had really not been my day.

"You constantly amaze me." I wasn't going to touch that with a bantha prod.

By the time we got back to the apartment complex, I was completely exhausted. That nap that I'd contemplated earlier had turned into a lust for going to bed early and sleeping through the night. Somehow, with the day I was having, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to get to do that.

Carth, Mission and Big Z were all sitting at the table, eating dinner, when Canderous and I walked through the door. Carth threw Canderous a suspicious look, but I figured that was just for show. They liked to play the "enemies on opposite sides of the battlefield" but I knew they trusted each other at their respective backs.

"Hey, Revan, you look beat, rough day?" Mission's perkiness normally cheered me up but right now, it just annoyed me.

"Yeah, you could say that. I think I'm going to head to bed. You guys have fun." I waved at them as I went back to the bedroom and locked the door. The bed bounced under me as I flopped onto it. Something started to dig into my back where I lay. I grudgingly switched positions and pulled the offending item out, fully intending to hurl it at the wall.

I stopped myself when I noticed it was the datapad that Vrook had handed me earlier. Supposedly, this was my entire history with the Jedi. I would have thought that I'd require at least a score of datapads; I was a legend, after all. I opened up one of the files at random.

_Revan continues to impress the Masters, me included. She has shown aptitude for the lightsaber and force forms. Her graceful movements belie her age. Remarkably, she doesn't seem to have even been challenged by the forms presented to her so far. I've recommended that she train with the older padawans at force forms. Would that Malak showed the same aptitude, instead he lags behind his contemporaries in skill._

_The only thing that Revan shows more aptitude for than lightsaber techniques is the use of the Force. She quickly masters any power she is shown. The Force shines like a beacon within her little body. She will be a great asset to the Order someday. I foresee a bright future for her._

_I am concerned, however, with Malak's progress. He constantly looks to Revan for approval. Approval should come from his teachers, not his older sister. With her influence, perhaps she will lead Malak into greater control. Hopefully Malak learns to judge his successes for himself. _

I was kind of hoping for more detailed records than old training notations. The only interesting bit was about Malak's looking to me for approval. I scanned a couple more, but all they discussed were different training regimens I went through. Nothing in the files I scanned alluded to why I turned to the dark side. None of the files told me what happened while I was Darth Revan.

My exhaustion finally got the better of me and I fell asleep. It'd been a long day that was thankfully over.

* * *

A/N - the term glit-bits is from a friend of mine. I think it may have been used in the Rogue Squadron series of books by Corran Horn. I use all of this without permission. I make no profit off this work. In fact, this story has been detrimental to me as I spend more time on playing the games and writing the stories than I do working...

thanks to all the reviewers. Didn't mean to sound like a wanker. Was just feeling like the story was tanking and not up to snuff.


	13. Dreams and Memories

"_Honored members of the Council, I would like to address this conclave." I stood up and looked towards the Council, seated at the bottom of the room. The room that the Jedi were gathered in was cavernous. There had to be hundreds if not thousands of Jedi in the room. The Jedi gathered were of different ranks, ranging from prospective students through to the Jedi Masters._

"_Yes, Jedi Revan, what is your question?" One of the Council members recognized me where I stood._

"_We've spent this entire conclave discussing issues ranging from class schedules to minor diplomatic missions. When are we going to address the Mandalorian threat?" My voice rang out and before I finished my statement, the room erupted in a cacophony of voices._

"_Jedi Revan, we have already discussed this with you in private." Another member of the Council spoke up this time._

"_We are not a shadow organization; we are not a secret group. I was hoping, in this forum, we could all discuss what the Jedi response to the Mandalorian invasion would be." I was upset at the Council's lack of action. They had been stonewalling me for weeks on the response to the recent attacks by the Mandalorians in the Outer Rim._

"_We have done what we can. We have sent envoys to negotiate with the Mandalorians. We are waiting for a response." _

"_Were these envoys Jedi? Were these envoys high-up members of the Republic?" I was baiting a trap, waiting for the Council to fall into it. I was tired of the lack of action. The Jedi were the peace-keepers of the galaxy and without us, the Republic was being pushed back further and further coreward. Eventually, at the rate the Republic was losing battles, we would be speaking Mandalorian before the year was out._

"_Revan, you know as well as we that the envoys were not Jedi, nor would the Republic send diplomats of high rank. The risk is too great."_

"_Then, will all due respect, you can assume that your envoys are dead and this silence is your response." The chattering picked up again at my bold declaration._

"_What makes you so sure that diplomacy will not work with the Mandalorians?" The youngest member of the Council and one of my friends, Kavar, spoke up._

"_I did not say diplomacy would not work. The Mandalorian people have a very complex system of honor. In their culture, you are sending grunts to do a leader's job. They are insulted by this and will likely take out their ire on the envoys you sent. The only punishment fitting for this slight to the honor of Mandalore is death. You need to send an envoy of leadership, not a third party envoy." The reaction by the crowd showed that the tide of support was swinging towards me and away from the Council. Perhaps others were as frustrated as I was at the Council's lack of action._

"_Are you saying that we should send you as our envoy?" Master Vrook questioned me this time. I couldn't gauge the different members of the Council to see if they supported me or not._

"_I'm saying that it is time that we do what we vowed to do, Masters."_

"_What is that, in your opinion, Jedi Revan?" Master Vrook once again challenged me._

"_Every Jedi has vowed, at each and every level of achievement and honor, to uphold the laws of the Republic and the Jedi Oath. We are the peace-keepers of this galaxy. As such, it is time that we do our jobs and fulfill our vows. We sit here as countless billions are slaughtered, as planets are decimated by these invaders. The Republic's diplomacy has failed. The Council's version of diplomacy has failed. It is time to keep the peace and protect the Outer Rim's people." The approval from the Jedi within the room soared at the end of my impassioned speech._

"_Are you entreating us to war, Jedi Revan?" Master Kavar spoke once more._

"_I am entreating us to do our jobs and to fulfill our vows. I, for one, feel the anguish of those conquered and enslaved. I, for one, see that our response has been ill-researched and ineffective. If keeping the peace for the Republic means going to war, then I, for one, am willing to confront that possibility when it comes." The groundswell of applause rose from the group._

"_Silence, we will discuss this in our chambers." Atris, my least favorite Council member, spoke from her seat on the small dais._

"_In all due respect, the Council can continue their ineffective discussions about the Mandalorian invasion. I am done with idle chatter; the time for action has come. Your version of diplomacy has failed. Through that failure, billions of sentients have lost their lives, their homes and even their planets. Those that lived through the attacks are now enslaved, forced to serve the will of a people that refuse to see reason and live for bloodshed._

"_The time for action is now. I am willing to do what I vowed to do when I achieved the rank of Jedi Knight. I will confront the threat to the peace of the galaxy and the Republic. I am willing to assume the mantle of peace-keeper." With that, I turned and walked out of the room, applause trailing me as I exited._

I woke up in a sweat again. The room was far too hot. The plastasteel windows wouldn't open to allow the cool night air in so I went to the environmental controls and turned the temperature down again. I started pacing back and forth as I went over the dream. No, dream was the wrong word, it was another memory. I could feel the passion behind the words as I addressed the conclave of Jedi. I could feel the rumble of applause throughout the room as I made my speech.

It had all been carefully plotted and planned, of course. I'd known what the Council's response was going to be when I stood up. I'd known just what buttons to push to get the support of those gathered in the room. The rumors and suppositions of my fellow Jedi had led me to mapping out the best orations needed to get the best response. With my grandiose ending statement, I'd led the Jedi to war.

I continued pacing back and forth in front of the bed. The carpet was soft underneath my bare feet. The room finally began to cool off as I walked off the memory.

"Hey, beautiful, what's wrong?" Carth's sleepy voice came from the bed.

"A dream, you know me and sleep. We don't seem to get along anymore."

"Why don't you come back to bed and tell me about it? Everyone says that talking about your dreams make them less real." Carth sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"How can I make a memory less real, Carth?" I stopped pacing long enough to look towards where he sat on the bed. The light coming in from the always awake Coruscant night lined the bed with streaks of light.

"I thought you said it was a dream."

"For me a dream is the same as a memory, anymore. I can't seem to separate the two." Carth got out of bed. His feet didn't make a noise as he approached me. His arms enfolded around me as I lay my head on his shoulder. My voice, when it came, was muffled by his chest. His skin felt smooth under my face.

"Why don't you tell me about it, beautiful? We're working on our trust issues, remember? You can trust me on this." Carth's hands, with their rough calluses rubbed across my back. It was a small gesture but it helped realign me. I felt more real than I had when I woke up.

"I remember addressing the Council, in front of a huge group of Jedis about the Mandalorians. I'd figured out exactly what to say to get the most Jedi to ally themselves with me. Everything went according to my plan and so many Jedi followed me to their deaths." I reached around Carth and squeezed. My embrace was tight, almost desperate. "Why do people follow me? Why did you follow me?"

"I followed you because you knew what you were doing. You're a leader, Revan. No one can take that away from you. You try to do what's right and you have this ability to help people realize the right path."

"So, I define the right path and tell people that's the right path? What's to say that my path is the right one?"

"I can't answer that for you. You have to answer it for yourself. C'mon, let's go back to bed." Carth led me to bed and I curled up on my side, with Carth holding on, as if sheltering me from whatever other memories were trapped in my head.

His sheltering didn't work. As soon as I drifted to sleep, I was engulfed by another memory disguised as a dream.

"_Malak, how could you be so short-sighted? Have you learned nothing from me?" Rage poured off me as I paced the room. _

"_Insuring Admiral Karath's loyalty was necessary. You told me to test him." I quickly executed an about-turn and walked up to Malak. We were a hair-breadth's away and I wasn't going to back down. If Malak wanted me out of his personal space, he would have to back off. I calmly took off my Force Mask that disguised my femininity. _

"_Why don't you define, for me, what exactly we received in return for the destruction of Telos? Spell your tactics out for me." My voice was deceptively calm. Malak almost controlled his flinch at the tone of my voice. My brother knew how enraged I was when I used that soft calm voice._

"_We received confidence in Saul Karath's dedication to our plan. With him, we received the dedication of his entire fleet."_

"_Did we? So, in return for the destruction of a resource-rich world teeming with people that we could have converted to our side, we receive acknowledgement of the loyalty of one man. In return for the decimation of a population, we get one man. Is this one man's confirmed loyalty worth the outrage and ire of the rest of the galaxy that we haven't confronted yet? Is this one man's loyalty worth the future resistance on other worlds? Is this one man's loyalty worth the loss of manpower and supplies that we will now have to waste in future battles? Tell me, Malak, is this one man's display of loyalty worth all that?" Malak backed up a step._

"_You forget all that Admiral Karath brings with him."_

"_Do I? What exactly does he bring with him besides his own ego and loyalty?"_

"_He has, at his command, an entire fleet of capital class ships. Our navy is now reinforced with well-trained dedicated soldiers and personnel."_

"_Is it, Malak? Do you think, I know how hard it is for you to think ahead a few steps, that those soldiers and personnel that Karath had fire on their own people might just be a bit disillusioned with our war? Do you think that they are loyal to our cause or just afraid?"_

"_The terms are one and the same at this point."_

"_How did I ever get cursed with a brother of such low intelligence? Think, Malak, why don't you think? Fear causes people to do things. Right now, those things are to our advantage. However, when offered an opportunity to get out from under that burden of fear, do you think that these men and women will not jump at the chance to betray us, the killers of their homeworld? Force save us, Malak, because it's obvious that you won't." I turned my back on my brother as I started pacing again. _

"_I do not see what you are saying." Malak sounded confused still. His voice betrayed his aggravation with me also._

"_Of course you don't. You don't plan further than the quickest route to the goal. Those men and women were just forced to slaughter their own families. A planet that was extremely rich in nutrients is now a barren fire-ravaged wasteland. Instead of being able to pull trained soldiers from this planet, food and arms from its vast supplies, we are now forced with a resistance in our own ranks. Do you remember how you felt when word of Deralia's bombing spread through Coruscant? Do you remember the pain and loss and outrage you felt when you heard that our parents were dead, slaughtered by a bombing of that world? We could now have insurrection in the ranks, all due to your short-sightedness." _

"_I did what you asked. Why are you being so harsh on me?"_

"_You didn't do what I asked! I trusted you to test Karath and his crew's loyalty and instead, you have almost certainly insured the loss of loyalty of his crew. We have gained one man and lost a fleet. There was a multitude of other ways to test Karath." My rage poured over and the deceptively calm voice disappeared. Instead, each word was like a vibroblade that started gutting Malak's confidence and pride._

"_Then tell me, oh great and masterful tactician, how would you have tested his loyalty?" Malak's voice and statements were far too familiar for the ways of the Sith. _

"_I'll tell you exactly how I would have done it. I would have asked Karath to sabotage the supply routes to Telos, causing a blockade and eventual surrender of the planet." I raised my hand and casually struck Malak with Force Lightening. "I would have asked Karath to work within the decrepit government of the Republic to destabilize that antique." I hit him again with the Lightening. "I would have asked Karath to surgically remove those in the upper echelons of the Republic Navy so that he was guaranteed a position of power." This time, when I struck Malak, he fell to the ground and writhed in pain. "As you can see, apprentice mine, there were many ways that did not involve the destruction of an entire planet. This is why you will never be the Sith Lord and, instead, always be the apprentice. I always thought my nickname for you of Gamorrean was a misnomer, but I see I was wrong. You have as little intelligence and forethought as that horrible race." I kept the Force Lightening on Malak until he lost control of his body and the stink wafted up to me. I stopped the attack at that point. "Clean yourself up. Our parents would be ashamed of you." _


	14. Neutrality

This time, when I woke up, I was engulfed in a sweaty film that I knew no amount of fiddling with the environmental controls would solve. There was no hope of going back to sleep. There was less hope of me achieving the serenity of meditation. I was shaking and my head hurt. I felt like vibroblades were being jammed into every crack in my skull.

There were a few more hours until dawn came and I had no idea what to do with myself. I didn't want to wake Carth, he'd already suffered through one memory and this was one I really didn't want to share with him. We may be working on our trust issues but I wasn't willing to push it yet.

Canderous was out also. I had no idea where he was during these nighttime hours. HK would just want to kill or maim some meatbags. Mission, for as old as she acted, was still a kid and shouldn't be roaming right now. Big Z needed to keep Mission out of trouble.

All of these considerations left me with very little recourse. I opened up my mind and felt for the other Jedi. I felt Bastila's presence right away. She was meditating but her heart wasn't in it.

_Bastila?_ – I queried with my mind.

_Revan?_ – Guess my message got through loud and clear.

_Could we meet? I need to talk to someone._

_Why not Carth or Juhani or even Canderous? Why me?_ – Her voice showed that she was hurt by lack of reliance on her.

_I need someone a little less involved in my life. I've been having dreams. You helped with them before._

_Of course, where would you like to meet?_

_I'll come to the Temple_. – I could feel Bastila's mental nod and got dressed. I didn't really need to run around Coruscant in the wee hours of the morning in my raggedy underwear. I realized I still hadn't gone shopping for new clothes.

I surprised myself by making it to the Temple on my own. I added a mental _thank you very much, Canderous_ as I entered. Bastila was waiting for me in the foyer. She was staring at an esoteric piece on the wall. It was a sculpture that seemed to pulse with energy, I could feel the dark and light energy pulling at the figure.

"It's called 'Neutrality'. It's by a Jedi artist. It's supposed to reflect the nature of the forces working within a Jedi." Bastila started speaking as I crossed the empty room towards her. The room was barely lit, the only real illumination came from the small lights illuminating the works of art.

"I know how that feels. It's an interesting piece." Personally, I thought it was garishly colored and ugly with the twisting pieces of metal. Then again, who am I, an art critic? I couldn't draw a stick figure with the help of a computer program.

"You use the word interesting the same way others use hideous." Guess I didn't do a good job of hiding my low opinion of the beauty value of the piece.

"It's not a pretty piece, that's for sure. However, when it comes to looking beyond the exterior, it's a moving piece. I can feel the two sides pulling at each other, forever locked in a battle. You and I know that battle better than most." I turned to her as she continued her contemplation.

"This is the piece that I examine the most. Other pieces are pretty or interesting" Her use of the word made her smile a quick smile before it was replaced by the lack of emotion that graced her face in the beginning. "or even ugly. They don't make me feel like this one does, though. This one draws me."

"Bastila, the fight between the darkside and the light is an ongoing war. Just because you lost a battle, it doesn't mean that you'll lose the war." Bastila seemed relieved at my words, as if I'd lifted a weight off her shoulders.

"Is that how you think of the darkside and your fall?"

"I don't know what to think of my fall. I don't know what led to it and what kept me on that path. When I know my motivations, I'll know what to think of my fall."

"We didn't meet to discuss me, although I appreciate your words of wisdom. We met to discuss the memories that surfaced." Bastila moved to sit on a bench in front of "Neutrality". After we sat, we both looked at the piece some more. It took me a bit to gather the courage to tell Bastila about the dreams.

"I remembered my address to the Council at the conclave." It was a quiet admission. I couldn't bring myself to baldly state the other memory. I knew Bastila's feelings towards both Malak and the Council.

"You were very passionate, very persuasive, had I been old enough, I would have joined you." Bastila's admission was equally as quiet as mine was.

"Why?"

"You sounded so right and just. I, too, thought the Council waited for too long. However, I was too young and I stayed behind to train, like many of the padawans did. When you left for war, Revan, you took the best and brightest of the knights and padawans. You even had a few Jedi Masters join you.

"You left behind too many students for not enough masters and knights. There were not enough trainers to help the padawans. We lost many of the future order because of this. Quite a few prospective students were unable to train. That is one of the reasons the Order is so weak today."

"I wasn't aware of this. I don't remember any of that."

"How would you, Revan? You were at war, not here at the Temple or the Enclave. You didn't know what happened here, at least not while the Mandalorian Wars thrived. The Jedi Civil War, that is another situation. I don't know how much of the weakening you knew." Bastila and I were almost whispering as we discussed my actions. There wasn't anyone else in the foyer but still we whispered, almost as if we feared what we were discussing.

"I remember more, Bastila."

"More of the conclave?"

"No, I remember my reaction to the destruction of Telos. How do I tell Carth?" I turned to her as she sat next to me on the bench. "How do I tell him that I plotted other ways to convert and subvert the people of Telos to the Sith? All of the plans would have succeeded, too."

"Why do you even need to tell him?" Bastila sounded genuinely puzzled by the idea of my honesty with Carth.

"We're working on our trust issues. I'm trying to trust him with more and he's trying to trust me more. I have to tell him, I can't use my memories to build a wall between us."

"Then try the forthright manner that you've always dealt with things. You are not one to mince words."

"Thanks, Bastila. We may not get along all the time, but you are a good shoulder to cry on. Perhaps, if we work on it, we could be friends in the future, now that we don't have all the lies between us."

"I'd…I'd…I'd like that, very much. Thank you." Bastila looked as if she were going to cry. "If you will excuse me, I need to get some sleep before my day starts in a few hours." Bastila stood up and bowed. I quickly stood, bowed back and then left the Temple.

Luckily for me, bounty hunters must not like this hour of the morning. I was preoccupied but at least I didn't get myself captured by a couple of idiot bounty hunters. I slipped back into the apartment, much more at ease than when I left. When HK made to acknowledge me, I waved him off.

The bedroom was quiet and I lay back down. Carth rolled over and lay his head on my chest.

"Where'd you go, beautiful?" Somehow, I'd hoped to get away with my little jaunt.

"I needed to talk to someone. It wasn't anything important. I'll tell you about it in the morning." I heard a sleepy 'k' and Carth drifted back to his dreams. I wondered what he dreamt about, did he dream of past battles? Did he dream of his wife and the happiness they had? Did he ever dream that I was normal and he could come home to me on shore leaves? Did he dream of Dustil?

Oh crud, I'd forgotten once more to tell Carth that I'd found Dustil. I debated telling him about my near death experience with him. No good would come of it but we were working on those trust issues.

I drifted off to sleep once more. This time, I stayed that way until HK came in and acted as an alarm.

"Statement: It is now the pre-set time for the Master and the Master's Love Puppet to awaken. Oh, how demeaning, I am truly built for better than this." When we barely stirred, HK exploded a sonic charge in the room. Carth and I woke up the rest of the way, completely deaf. I would have ranted and yelled at HK, but I really like the satisfaction of hearing my own voice when I'm chewing on someone.

Instead of yelling at HK, I used the 'fresher, with no interruptions. It already looked to be a better day than yesterday. I came out of the 'fresher whistling. As I entered the kitchen where Carth waited for his breakfast, I Force-healed us.

"Carth, how soon do you need to leave? I have something I need to talk to you about, probably several somethings." I sat down next to him and watched HK prepare breakfast. That didn't really seem like enough punishment, maybe I'd have him do my laundry today too. It wasn't like my clothes didn't look like they had been blasted already so I wouldn't notice the holes that HK put in them as he used all of it for target practice.

"For you, light of my life, I have all the time in the world." Carth winked at me to accentuate his cheesy statement. "Which, at this point, consists of about twenty minutes. What do you need?"

"I had another dream last night. That's why I needed to go to the Temple and talk to someone."

"You went all the way to the Temple, by yourself? Didn't you learn anything from yesterday afternoon? You're lucky you didn't get abducted or killed! Revan, how could you!" Carth sounded seriously upset with me.

"I wasn't really thinking about that. I was thinking about the dream."

"You need to start thinking about your reality, Revan. There are plenty of people in Republic space that would love to kill you and that's not counting all the Sith remnants!"

"I know, Carth, I know. Will you please stop focusing on my stupidity and focus on the dream?"

"What dream?" Carth sounded confused but at least he wasn't flopping his hands in front of him and back down to his sides. I'd seen the gesture enough to know he was aggravated with me when he did that.

"The dream I've been trying to tell you about, I remembered Malak and I discussing Telos." As soon as I said Telos, Carth got ominously quiet. This was a very taboo subject for us. I was really working on our trust issues.

"What were you discussing?" Carth's voice was deceptively quiet. I was just waiting for him to blow a fuse when I told him about the confrontation. I gave him the highlights, stressing the fact that I remembered being really upset at Malak for destroying the planet. When it came to Darth Revan's plans for the corruption of Telos, I glossed over the subject by telling Carth that I'd had other plans for Telos.

By the time I was done, Carth was sitting there completely expressionless. He didn't say a word for a few minutes. He just mechanically started eating as he absorbed what I'd just told him.

"At least you didn't want the complete decimation of Telos. From what I know of Darth Revan, you probably planned on surgecically removing some of the key political figures. You would've then replaced them with people loyal to you and then Telos would secede from the Republic and ally itself with you." Carth knew more about my past than I did.

"Yeah, that's about what I remember. There's more, though, Carth." He turned towards me and looked like I was about to hit him. "It's not bad news, well, at least, I hope you won't take it as bad news. It doesn't have anything to do with the dreams."

"Lay it on me, Revan."

"It's Dustil, Carth." Carth's face looked, at the same time, hopeful and fearful of what I was about to say. "He's here, on Coruscant. He's training at the Temple." Carth's face lost its fear and remained hopeful. "It's him, he recognized me." Not a complete lie, but it wasn't the complete truth either. "We exchanged words in Juhani's class."

"Dustil is here? He's on Coruscant? I have to see him!" Carth leapt off his stool and pulled me off mine. He hugged me and we did a little dance around the tiny area of the dining room.

"Statement: All this emoting is going to cause my circuits to overload. I feel a need to terminate a meatbag to reaffirm my programming." We both looked over at HK and burst out laughing. It felt good to laugh with Carth. We fought too often and laughed too little.

We parted quickly and, as Carth made his way to headquarters with a spring in his step I hadn't seen since we'd left Korriban, I went back to the Temple. At the first information terminal inside the Temple, I looked up Dustil's room. He was housed a little ways from the rest of the padawans.

Dustil didn't look trusting or happy when I opened the door. He had every right not to trust me. I was Darth Revan, after all, and he had tried to kill me yesterday.

"You and I are going to have a talk without lightsabers pointing at each other. So, show your manners and invite me into your room." He gestured, somewhat sarcastically, for me to enter. "There's an Onasi for you, always a gentleman." I sat on the only chair available in the cramped quarters.

"What do you want?" Dustil's voice was self-assured and condescending again.

"You, basically, I want you." His eyebrows winged up in a patented Onasi style. I'd seen that expression of Carth's face too many times as I did one hare-brained thing after another. "Actually, to be more specific, I want you to go meet your father for lunch or something. I want you to head to the Republic Naval Headquarters and find his office and make his day. He's been stressing over your well-being for far too long for you not to give him a chance." I innocently twirled a lock of my hair that had fallen out of my ponytail.

"Why am I going to do this? What's in it for me?" Dustil leaned against the bed railing and crossed his ankles and his feet.

"How Sith of a reaction, Dustil. What's in it for you? A chance to get to know your father as a man, not as a jealous little boy who didn't know what real life was all about. It's time you grow up and realize that sometimes there is other obligations than you to Carth's life. You owe your father." I wasn't surprised to see that I didn't have to wait long for the inevitable eruption. I barely shocked myself when things worked out for me in conversations.

"I owe him? I owe him! He owes me! He abandoned my mother and me. He left us to die on Telos! He ignored us and left us alone all the time! How can you say I owe him!"

"Juhani's right, you know, you need to control that temper or you're going to fall so far to the darkside there won't be any chance of redeeming you." Dustil looked flabbergasted at my gall. "I'm not here to lecture you on the darkside. I'll explain why you owe your father in terms you'll understand. You owe your father because you blame him for Telos and your mother's death. You haven't even heard his side of the story. You are not the judge, jury and executioner for him. He deserves a chance; your relationship with him deserves a chance. Do you know, when Carth has nightmares, it's your name he calls out? He has nightmares of where you are, what's happening to you. He feels like a failure.

"Finally, you owe him because you allied yourself with those that committed the atrocities you blamed your father for. You owe him because as he sat bathed in the blood of your mother as he tried desperately to save her, you walked off with your replacement father figure and presented yourself to Darth Malak as a new recruit." Dustil started shaking his head negatively. "You may lie to yourself, but don't lie to me. I don't remember much of my past but I do remember Malak telling me about you. He claimed you as a great conquest of Telos and the future of the Sith." Dustil's face crumpled. "I don't say this to hurt you, Dustil. I'm trying to get you to stop reacting and start thinking. There are consequences to every action, every word. You need to let go of your anger and think rationally about the past and the future."

"I…I…I…" Dustil just kept stuttering. He collapsed onto the floor next to the bunks. He sheltered his head in his knees with his arms over the back of his head.

"That is exactly what I want you to think about, Dustil. All your life, it's been you you you. It's time that you allow others to have some importance in your life. Your father would give anything for a kind word from you. Why don't you surprise him for lunch? Maybe you could hash out some of the past. Try listening to him, like you did on Korriban." I got up from my chair and sat down next to where he sat crumpled. His tears stopped eventually and he nodded. I knew that it meant he would go see Carth and talk to him.


	15. A Little Music in the Night

Disclaimer - not mine, duh.

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With a bounce in my step that hadn't been there before, I left Dustil's room and made my way to the library. The datapad Master Vrook had given me was burning a hole in my pocket. There was so much I needed to find out before I could do as requested and head to Deralia.

I spent the rest of the day looking up information to cross reference the datapad. Deralia itself was a small backwards planet. Not surprisingly, I found little information on it. What little I did find was boring. In fact, I was extremely bored. Research like this to an active person like me was excruciatingly mind-numbing. Unknowingly, I started tapping my foot and twirling my hair.

"Hey, stranger, long time no see!" I heard Mission's voice pipe up behind me. "We get here and you ditch me. I see how it is, Big Z and me rescue you and you ditch us." I turned and saw Mission tapping her foot with her arms crossed. Her voice sounded serious but the big grin on her face belied her words.

"I figured you didn't really want to spend the day surrounded by datapads." I beckoned Mission to a seat near me. "How'd you get in here, anyway?"

"Jolee got me up here. He grumbled the entire way, the old coot." We exchanged fond smiles at the thought of Jolee. The old man never failed to put a smile on my face at his antics.

"I'm sure he did. Bet he muttered about his knees or something." Mission barked out a laugh.

"Sure did, he was going on and on about them. We didn't even use a flight of steps or anything. We took the repulsorlift instead. So, what are we working on?" Mission picked up Vrook's datapad.

"That, my friend, is supposedly all my history. I'm just checking to make sure."

"You are checking something on a computer?" Mission used an exaggerated dumbfounded expression. "How far have you gotten? I bet you're still on the first part."

"I'll have you know that I'm on the second part." I childishly stuck my tongue out at the young Twi'lek across from me.

"Let me do it, I'll have everything there is to get out of this machine faster than you can say 'Sithspit'."

"Have at it." I laughed and waved a hand at the console. True to her words, she quickly pulled information out of the computer system. After a few hours, she looked up and smiled at me. The pile of datapads next to the console proved her words.

"Got it, we can go shopping." We packed everything up and went off to find some stores. I needed new clothes. I was still a little worried about the whole "holey skivvies in the afterlife" thing. Besides that, Carth's ceremony was coming up and I didn't want to embarrass him.

Mission and I spent the rest of the day wandering from shop to shop. I splurged on a few outfits I knew I'd never wear. Being the good Jedi that I am, I also bought a few new robes. Loving Carth like I did, I also insured that he wouldn't be stuck with holey skivvies in the afterlife either.

A haircut completed the day for us. Until today, I hadn't bothered to repair the damage from the psychotic dueling champion. There were other things more important to me. However, I didn't want to embarrass Carth at the ceremony. It was bad enough that word was spreading throughout the galaxy that I was the former Dark Lord of the Sith. I didn't want to be a Dark Lord of the Sith with bad hair in addition. When it comes to making things as smooth for Carth as possible, "Vanity, thy name is Revan" is my motto.

Mission and I split up at the lift doors to her apartment. I quickly headed up to the apartment Carth and I shared. I was a little shocked to find that not only was Carth there before me, but he'd also set out a romantic dinner, complete with ambient lighting. The apartment smelled wonderful as I took in the sights and sounds of the place. A romantic ballad played softly in the background.

T3 wheeled up to me with a glass of some type of bubbly liquid. I took the glass by the delicate stem and wandered further into the living room. Goggle-eyed, I searched for Carth.

"Carth? Carth? Are you in here somewhere?" I turned towards the kitchen and jumped. Somehow, someway, someone had talked HK into wearing an apron and a chef's hat as he stood at the cooking unit.

"Statement: The Master is to sit at the table." I felt a little weird not seeing a blaster or other weapon in HK's hand. The only real evidence that it was HK was that he held the stirring spoon as if it were a weapon. Knowing HK, he probably could take out a room full of people with that teeny spoon.

"HK, T3, where's Carth?" I looked around the room as I sat. There were candles everywhere. My datapads and all the bags from the shops were taken from me by T3. He disappeared quickly from view with a quick little "boop".

"Statement: The Master's Love Sla…, errr, that is, Carth is waiting for you to sit before appearing. Please sit." HK sounded embarrassed at using Carth's real name instead of Love Slave or meatbag.

As HK finished speaking, Carth came up behind me and held my shoulders. He leaned down and whispered into my ear.

"You are truly a beautiful person, Revan. Every day, I think I couldn't possibly love you more. You prove me wrong when you do something like you did today." His breath tickled my ear.

"What did I do?" I was honestly confused.

"Dustil." With that one word, I knew that Dustil had talked to Carth. From the romantic setting and Carth's words, I knew that the talk had gone well. "He came by today. We went to lunch and talked. I don't know how much got through to him but it seemed like he was willing to listen. Thank you."

"I may be ruining the dinner and all but I didn't do anything, Carth. I ran into him at the Temple and mentioned that you were at the Headquarters today." I turned my head and pressed my lips into his neck.

"You're underestimating what you did. Dustil told me that you were very emphatic with him." Hm, I wasn't sure that emphatic was a good word for the way I'd baited Dustil. Conniving and sneaky were better words. There was no way I was going to tell Carth that, though.

"So all this," I gestured at the table and the candles. "is because I said a couple words to Dustil?"

"All this is to say thank you. I know you did more than say a couple of words." Carth moved to the other side of the table and gestured at HK. From there, Carth wined and dined me into the late hours.

I can't remember much romance in my past. I don't think I've had much experience with romantic entanglements. From the one memory I'd recovered, Malak had protected me by killing or torturing my previous suitors. All that led to me appreciating what Carth was doing even more.

As Carth continued to cater to me, I felt soft and feminine. I hesitate to use the word girly, but that really describes how I was feeling. I'm normally very masculine in my approach to life. I don't shirk from a fight and I sure don't hesitate to fight someone bigger and meaner than me. I carry that attitude into all my interactions.

Well after dinner, Carth had to literally sweep me off my feet to get me to our bedroom. I imbibed more than my fair share of the bubbly liquor. It went straight to my head and I kept giggling. I felt like a princess as Carth carefully laid me on the bed.

"I think you've had too much to drink, beautiful." Carth said indulgently to me as he pulled my boots off my feet.

"Hey, before I forget, I got you something." This was followed by a girly giggle and a dainty burp, which was followed by another giggle.

"What did you get me?" Carth looked over at the bags mounded on a chair in the corner of the room.

"It's in the purple bag." My hand fluttered towards the stack. I giggled again as Carth opened the bag and pulled out the silly underwear I bought him. They featured a children's holovid hero. His face was priceless as his jaw dropped. "I didn't want you stuck in the afterlife with holey underwear." Carth continued to stare at the little characters all over the shorts. In mid-giggle, I fell asleep.

_Malak sat beside me at a lake. The grass was thick and green. It smelled fresh as we sat on a blanket with a picnic spread out around us. The lake itself was a brilliant blue color, almost the exact color of my eyes. The sun was shining and it was warm where we reclined. I could hear the wind rustling the leaves of the trees around us. We were home and I felt peaceful._

"_Our parents are not much changed." Malak's deep voice interrupted my contemplation of the beauty of the day._

"_None of the family has changed. It's nice that there's somewhere in the galaxy that doesn't change." I reached out and grabbed a small piece of fruit. I happily munched at it, reveling in the satisfying crunch between my teeth. The small fruit was a burst of sweetness I'd missed during my years away. It brought back fond memories of sitting in my mother's lap as she prepared dinner. She'd let me sneak a piece of fruit from the bowl, playfully chastising me every once in a while._

"_Everything changes, Revan." Malak reached across to steal the remainder of the fruit. I swatted his hand away._

"_Not here, Malak, this place will never change." My innocent statement caused Malak to frown. With a day like today, however, it was easy to believe that we could go on living in our peaceful little slice of heaven. _

"_You are setting yourself up for disappointment, Revan. Everything changes and evolves." Malak reached for his own piece of fruit._

"_It doesn't get much better than this, Malak. Look around you! There's no Jedi Masters telling us not to do something, no Padawans hassling us for stories about our exploits and no Jedi robes." I leaned back and looked into the crystal blue skies. The single yellow sun shone brightly and there were few clouds in the sky. "Look at that one over there." I pointed at a cloud. "It looks like a dewback!"_

"_Revan, sometimes change is for the worse. This place could disappear tomorrow."_

"_Malak, you're always so dour. Enjoy the beauty while it lasts, hope it lasts; try to be optimistic for once." I lightly punched him on the shoulder. "You don't see the dewback, do you?"_

"_I rarely have the time to contemplate shapes in the clouds. We have too much responsibility to be children any longer." I rolled my eyes._

"_We have too much responsibility not to take a couple of moments to be happy and free. If being happy and free is childish to you, then I'm glad to be childish right now. C'mon, last one in the lack is a nerf!" With that, I jumped up and stripped off my tunic to reveal the swimsuit underneath. I ran as fast as I could, laughing the entire way to the lake. I felt Malak sigh at my antics but he quickly ran to catch up._

_I jumped off the small dock and tried for the largest splash I could. I heard Malak jump in right after me. We both swam towards the center of the lake. The water was warm, as befitting such a glorious day. We frolicked like children, splashing and dunking each other._

_After we tired, we finished our picnic. I was more than happy to lie out in the sun and let its warmth dry me. With a deep breath, Malak turned towards me._

"_Why haven't you done as I asked?" This wasn't part of the memory. Malak and I hadn't talked much after drying off. We packed up and went back home to our parents. He didn't ask me about requests._

"_What? This isn't part of the memory." _

"_Revan, I told you to go to Deralia. I have limited opportunities to help you. You keep wasting them. Find your past, discover your future." Malak disappeared off the blanket before I could respond._

I woke from my dream. Coincidently, I found myself facing the datapads in the corner. I hadn't bothered to read them after Mission had pulled the information. I still hadn't read much of Vrook's datapad either. I flipped over and flung an arm across Carth's chest.

_At least it wasn't another nightmare_, I sighed to myself as I drifted off.

The next morning, I was up before Carth. I had energy to spare, so I started sparring with HK. We were in the middle of a flurry of blows when Carth came rushing out of the bedroom, in his holey skivvies, with both blasters pointing. I heard HK snort and do his best impression of a laugh. I laughed so hard my sides hurt and I couldn't breath. Carth just shook his head and went back into the bedroom.

Breakfast went smoothly. Carth quickly headed off to do whatever it was he was doing all day at the Naval Headquarters. I resigned myself to a day of perusing datapads.

_Oh the joy_, I moaned to myself. I grabbed Vrook's datapad first. It was filled with my basic information and tales of indiscretions. As I read over the sparse details of some of my childhood pranks, my mind raced to see if there were any matching entries in the barren recesses of my mind. Very few of the stories brought back recollections. I don't remember setting lose a pair of gizka in Master Tal'Ven's quarters. I don't remember ordering a bouquet of stinky shlanta flowers for Master Vrook's birthday.

One noted indiscretion did bring back memories. Glass crawlers, from the planet Storinal, were scary looking arachnids. As fearsome as they may look, they aren't poisonous or harmful. In all reality, they are basically vegetarians.

However, Master Kalindar didn't know that when she walked into her room. Instead, all she could see were these large arachnids crawling around on her bed, in her drawers and on the desk. Her screams echoed throughout the Temple as students and teachers all ran to her aid. I gave myself away as the perpetrator when I started laughing at her reaction to her misfortune.

The detention and punishment was well worth the crime, in my opinion. As punishment, I was forced to practice Force-forms with Master Kalindar for hours at a time. Unfortunately for me, the Masters soon learned that this wasn't a punishment and adjusted their penalties accordingly.

For each of my subsequent misdemeanors, I was punished with meditation with one of the Masters. Normally it was Master Vandar's unpleasant duty to supervise me as I fidgeted my way through the meditation. This was excruciating to the physically active child that I was. I soon learned, with Master Vandar's help, to relax into an active mental state instead. Punishment became a joy.

I sighed as my brain flitted from one memory to another. These pleasant recollections helped me to pass the time as I went through tedious catalogs of information. I learned more about nerf herding than I ever wanted. Planet trade, exports, imports, major commerce and population centers of a multitude of worlds I briefly visited, all of it droned on and on as I sat on the couch.

The day passed quickly and it was late afternoon before I found the start of the information I actually wanted. With a start, I found a holo of my parents stored in the depths of all that useless knowledge. They were a beautiful couple. I looked quite a bit like my mother. I had my mother's height and her build. My face looked similar, even if I did have my father's eyes.

I have no idea how long I stared at the holo. I held the datapad one handed and reached the other to touch my parents, as if they would come to life in front of me. I was almost disappointed when my hand didn't encounter anything solid. Instead, my hand passed through my parents and tapped something on the surface of the datapad. The images' lips started moving and I heard my parents speak to me.

"Darling children, we have missed you. It is unfortunate, but we don't know when we will be able to communicate with you again. We are under attack and have little…"

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A/N - I tried to make this one a little happier. Hope you all enjoy... let me know what you think!


	16. Voices From the Past

I knew without a shadow of a doubt, I had never seen this message before now. I didn't catch the message the first time through. My shocked mind would not process anything other than the timbre of the voices as they spoke.

Those voices brought back impressions of my childhood. My mother used to cuddle me as she read me a story. My father would pick me up and toss me in the air as I giggled and squealed. Malak used to run for the lake every chance he got and it was my job to chase after him. I remembered happiness and love. All of these thoughts and feelings were summed up by one word, "home". I could see my home before I was taken from my parents by the Jedi.

The holo recording ended and I quickly restarted it. This time, I listened to the words.

"Darling children, we have missed you. It is unfortunate, but we don't know when we will be able to communicate with you again. We are under attack and have little time to send this message. Mandalorians are entering the settlement as they swoop down from the sky. We are going to the bunkers. We should be safe there." My father looked off to the side and a voice echoed through the recording.

"Time runs short, hurry or we won't make it." I could hear blaster fire behind the gravelly voice. My parents exchanged a look between them and turned to face me once more.

"Just remember, we love you, have always loved both of you. May the Force be with you." The figures wobbled and then cut out. Without thinking, I turned the image and message on once more.

"Darling children, we have missed you. It is unfortunate…" Once more, I let the voices wash over me as I contemplated the new significance of this message. Someone had intercepted this message before I could receive it. Who had intercepted it and why?

Keeping the information within the recording secret would not have benefited anyone. Malak and I found out through official channels that Deralia had been conquered for its agricultural resources. That could not have been the reason behind hiding this. It was time to go to the source, so I quickly got dressed and left for the Jedi Temple.

Halfway there, my comlink chirped. I opened the connection and found out I was being summoned to the Jedi Temple. _That was convenient_, I thought to myself. I experienced the normal feeling of awe as I walked up the steps and into the antechamber. From there, it was a short trip to the Council Chambers.

Unsurprisingly, I was ushered in immediately. When the door opened, I was greeted with a view of a multitude of people. The Council members were all there. In addition to them, there were security guards, soldiers, unfamiliar Jedi Knights and Carth. The cacophonous discussions came to an abrupt halt and an uncomfortable silence fell.

"Jedi Revan, we are glad you answered so quickly." Master Vandar perched on his seat. "Come in, we have much to discuss."

"What, exactly, do we have to discuss?" I gestured to the rest of the occupants of the crowded Council Chamber.

"Certain facts have recently come to light, Jedi Revan. We are here to discuss the ramifications of these facts." Vandar beckoned me to a chair but I ignored him for a minute. I looked at Carth and he wouldn't meet my gaze. I didn't recognize almost two-thirds of the people in the room. I had a bad feeling about this.

"What facts are we discussing?" As I moved further into the room, I noticed that a couple of the soldiers' hands moved towards their blaster pistols. "Gentlemen, please do me the honor of remembering I'm a Jedi. Your blasters aren't going to help you much." The soldiers exchanged glances but their hands stayed where they were. Carth still wouldn't look at me.

"Your crimes against the entirety of the galaxy, Darth Revan, that is the discussion." This was spit out of the mouth of a female human in a Republic uniform. "You are a war criminal and shall be prosecuted for your crimes." Her vitriolic comments at least helped me identify what we were discussing. Obviously, this wasn't about the recording by my parents.

"Please, General Wasani, let us keep this civil." Master Vrook spoke up, virtually unexpectedly.

"Civil, you dare ask me to keep this civil? You have been sheltering a war criminal in your midst for Force knows how long and you expect me to treat _it_ with civility? I highly doubt that possibility." General Wasani moved towards where I stood. I kept my hands calmly at my side as she marched forward. She didn't stop until she was toe to toe with me and I had an unobstructed view of her rank badges.

"General, perhaps you would care to move out of my personal space. You are not going to intimidate me by breathing on the top of my head. I've faced off against bigger, meaner and stronger opponents than you in the past and it is most likely that I will continue to do so in the future." I could feel the rage pouring off the general.

"How dare you lecture me on your opponents. I was close personal friends with many soldiers that died facing off against you, Darth Revan."

"Out of curiosity, how exactly did you come to the conclusion that I was Darth Revan?" I could feel the rage dampen due to the increased shock engulfing the woman currently pressing closer to me.

"You…you are… this is an outrage." General Wasani spun away from me and stalked back towards Masters Vrook and Vandar. "This is Darth Revan, correct?"

"This is not Darth Revan, not any longer." Master Vandar answered the livid woman.

"This is the woman formerly known as Darth Revan, correct?" Each word was short and bitten off, as if Master Vandar did not speak Basic.

"She is no longer Darth Revan." General Wasani let out a triumphant "ha" and whirled back around towards me.

"Than she is the same woman and, as such, will be held accountable for her crimes against the Republic. Soldiers, disarm her and take her into custody." As soldiers started moving towards me, I flicked a couple fingers and they froze, stuck in a stasis field.

"I don't know what you've discussed before this, but we will have a civilized conversation that involves me being here physically."

"Release my men and throw down your lightsaber. You are under arrest!" I was really getting tired of the repeated "under arrest" line.

"General, you know that the Republic has no authority in this matter. The Jedi are not accountable to the Republic." I didn't think it was possible for General Wasani to get more enraged, but I was wrong. She turned an interesting shade of purple as she wheeled around to face the Masters.

"You dare speak to me of authority? You are harboring a war criminal in your midst. I care nothing for your song and dance of redemption. She is Darth Revan. She tried to conquer the galaxy and obliterate the Republic." Not only was I getting tired of the same old sad lines, but I was really getting tired of the good general pointing her finger at me. I ached to put her in a stasis field too, but I resisted.

This entire confrontation wasn't what I expected. Being put on trial was not what I had imagined when the crew of the Hawk came to Coruscant. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting a parade and a marching band to greet me either. I simply wasn't expecting to face a war crimes tribunal. How could I defend myself when I couldn't remember what I did and why I did it?

As I contemplated what all a war crimes tribunal consisted of, the good general kept ranting about authority, expedition, trials and executions.

"The Jedi do not execute their prisoners." Master Zhar spoke up from his seat.

"Then it's a good thing that she will not be a prisoner of the Jedi any longer. She will be a Republic prisoner. As such, she will face execution for her crimes." General Wasani grinned triumphantly at her logic.

"Ah, but she is not a prisoner. She is a Jedi Knight. As a Jedi, she is not held to the Republic's laws. She is no longer Darth Revan, as her actions during the quest for the Star Forge and the subsequent destruction of the Star Forge clearly illustrate."

"Masters, General, what exactly is involved in the trial process?"

"It is simple, Darth Revan, you will be tried in front a military court, which will find you guilty with overwhelming conviction and then you shall be executed." I really didn't like General Wasani. She seemed a little obsessive about this whole "killing me" thing.

"So, I'd be stupid to volunteer for this duty, correct, General?" I idly twirled a lock of my hair as I sat down in a chair.

"Make no mistake, Darth Revan, there is no volunteering, no choice. You will face trial and execution." My immature side was really going to pop out any second. This lady sounded like a broken holo as she kept repeating the same lines over and over.

"Well, then, sign me up." I tossed my lightsabers to Masters Vrook and Vandar. General Wasani was finally speechless as I walked out the door. I could hear the scrambling of her soldiers behind me as they rushed to catch up to me.


	17. Tribulations and Trials

I felt an unbelievable sense of peace as soon as I made the rash decision to hand myself over to the court system. I was trusting in the Force. Well, I was trusting in the Force and a lack of evidence as to my real identity. Let's not forget a really good lawyer; I was trusting in that too.

The soldiers' stunned amazement followed throughout the trip to the jail, the booking process and the transferring into a cell. General Wasani, thankfully, was silent during the entire trip. She didn't even cast a triumphant look at me.

Now, I sat in my cell. It was surprisingly comfortable. I had a bunk that was only a little harder than those on the Hawk. There was a private 'fresher station in one corner. I'd been allowed to keep my robes but I could feel a Force suppression field around the room. It was a little disappointing that there wasn't much as far as entertainment in here. Then again, I was a prisoner, so it's not like they really had to entertain me. I briefly wondered if they would allow me my research datapads so I could keep finding out what was happening beyond the Rim.

There weren't any chairs in the room, so I sat on the floor. I folded my legs up and meditated. Because of the Force suppression field, I couldn't fly along the city walkways of Coruscant, which was mildly disappointing.

Instead, I reached further into myself. I lost myself in the walkways of my mind, watching scenes from the past. I replayed waking up on the Endar Spire. I watched Trask as he burst into the room, imploring me to hurry. He'd sacrificed himself to save me. There was no other way of explaining what he'd done. He'd known he was no match for Bandon. Even with this fatalistic knowledge, he'd sacrificed himself. Because of that sacrifice, I was able to find the Star Maps and defeat Malak. Trask was a true hero of the Republic.

It was because of the Trasks of the galaxy that I had surrendered myself into the tender mercies of Republic justice. I had done terrible things. I deserved punishment or absolution. I craved closure. More important than me, the galaxy deserved to punish or absolve. The galaxy deserved closure.

I kept floating through my mind until I heard footsteps outside the door. I have no idea how long I was lost in thought. The footsteps hesitated and then the door opened. I only looked at the person framed in the doorway. I didn't acknowledge the presence, nor did I ignore it.

"Hey, beautiful, um, uh, fancy meeting you here." Carth's voice was hesitant as he stood there. He was nervous, I could tell from the way he fingered his belt loop. He kept reaching for the comforting presence of his blasters. I'm sure the guards had taken them from him. There was a reason I'd tossed my lightsabers to the Masters back at the Temple. I didn't trust the guards with them and if Carth was smart, he wouldn't have either. Then again, he was a fellow soldier, so perhaps he'd get better care.

I continued gazing at Carth from my seated position on the floor. I concentrated on keeping my face blank. I was upset and hurt but I didn't know the whole truth and I was willing to listen. However, I couldn't guarantee that my voice wouldn't quiver at the thought of what Carth was really doing with General Wasani or if he was even really with Wasani. It was just a big confusing mess as far as I was concerned.

"Not going to talk to me? Come on, you could never be quiet; you were always nagging at me. Nag at me now." It was a blatant plea for me to speak to him. Nevertheless, I still didn't trust my voice.

"Aren't you going to at least invite me in?" Carth hesitated at the threshold. I still sat motionless. "Revan, please?" That softly spoken please got me and I'm pretty sure Carth damn well knew it would. With a flick of my wrist, I gestured him into the cell. The door slammed behind him as he crossed to the bunk and sat down.

I could feel his eyes on the side of my head. There was no way I was shifting around to meet his gaze or talk to him until he told me just exactly what he was doing in that room. I needed to know why he didn't warn me what to expect, instead of the ambush I received.

"You're not going to move, are you? I guess I can understand that." His voice was soft and almost defeated. Then it hardened and got louder. "Why did you agree to do this? You're immune from prosecution!" I knew from Carth's voice that he was flopping his hands in that semi-endearing, semi-aggravating way he has when he's upset at me. "You never cease to aggravate me, Revan! Force knows what I thought I was doing there! I was trying to help you!"

Carth stood and started pacing beside me. I kept my gaze firmly fixed on the door. I could feel the helplessness, the anger and the fear rolling off of Carth in waves. It was the fear that finally got me to shift my focus off the door.

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did I think that I could actually be a calming influence on you? Dammit, why did you do this? Do you have any idea what you're facing? Do you ever stop to think?" As his diatribe winded down, his voice lost the harsh yelling and went back to its plaintive tone. He was pleading with me.

With a quick roll, I stood and embraced him. Startled is an understatement to describe his reaction. He gripped me and held on as if his life depended on it.

"I just found you. I just found happiness. Why are you taking it away from me?" His voice broke and I heard the tears that he was fighting back. I don't know of whom he was asking the last question but I tried to answer it anyway.

"Carth, I…" How could I answer it? This was a man that had spent so many years without joy and happiness. Here I was, taking it all away from him again. "This is something I need to do. Either I'll be vindicated or I'll be convicted. The galaxy deserves this, it needs to heal. This is one of the steps to healing." Carth only inhaled a shaky breath. His tears were still close to the surface. "Besides, I have a plan." I heard a watery laugh.

"You always have a plan. I remember your plan to get us into that Sand People camp on Tatooine. Remember how well that one went?" I gave a shaky laugh. My plan was to dress up as Sand People. We were quickly discovered and were almost killed.

"Trust in the Force, Carth." I could feel his body tense up around me.

"The Force, you expect me to trust in some insubstantial power that is supposedly guiding you? If the Force was truly the benevolent force you all extol it to be, then the Mandalorian Wars and the war with Malak would never have happened. Sithspawn, Revan, that's your plan?" Carth let me go and started pacing again. I sat down on the bunk.

"No, that's not my plan." Watching Carth walk back and forth was starting to make me dizzy.

"Then what is this great almighty plan of yours?" Carth turned around to face me and threw his hands in the air. "Just what card do you have up your sleeve to end this fiasco?"

I really didn't think Carth wanted to hear that I was hoping for a good lawyer, a dearth of evidence and the Force that Carth obviously didn't trust.

"Do you remember Trask?"

"Trask? That was your bunkmate on the Spire, wasn't it?" Carth sounded confused.

"He sacrificed himself for me. He knew he didn't stand a chance against Darth Bandon" I mentally snorted at calling Bandon "Darth" anything. "but he jumped into that hallway just to give me enough time to make it to the escape pods and you."

"What in the name of the Force does this have to do with your plan?" It was completely beside the point, but I noticed how cute Carth could be when he was obviously perplexed. I'd noticed it before, of course, as this was an almost permanent state between the two of us.

"He sacrificed himself for me. How many others have sacrificed themselves for me?"

"How the hell should I know!"

"That's my point, I don't know either. Those nameless unknowns and Trask deserve to know they sacrificed themselves for someone worthy. How can I be worthy of their sacrifice if I'm unwilling to face my past crimes?" A light started dawning for Carth. He was beginning to understand my decision.

"So, what's the plan then, beautiful?"

"I'll go into the hearing, ask to see all their evidence that I'm the one that actually committed the crimes and go from there. It will all work out, Carth, trust me." He sat down heavily next to me. His hand wrapped around mine and we held on for dear life.

"I trust you; it's the rest of the galaxy I don't trust." I leaned my head against his shoulder. The silence was neither comfortable nor uncomfortable. It just was.

We sat like that until a guard came to the door.

"Commander Onasi, I'm sorry but your visiting time is over. I'll have to escort you out, sir." Carth gave my hand one last squeeze and then he was gone. I was left alone once more.

No one else came to visit the rest of that week. There were no visitors in the month that followed after that. I'd expected someone to come by to visit me. If someone had been willing to give me odds on who would visit, I'd have placed my bet on Mission coming by to cheer me. I craved her irreverent sense of humor to brighten my mood.

I missed Carth's promotion ceremony. I'd spent the creds on a new dress and I didn't get to wear it. Somehow, this fact depressed me more than the sludge the Republic called food, the lack of privacy and the missing connection to the Force. I'd gotten my hair cut for nothing.

Another depressing thought was that I missed my friends. I missed talking to people other than a quick "thank you" to the guards. In addition, I had problems sleeping. It was hard to sleep alone when you're used to having someone's arms around you as you drift off with a sense of safety and security. I missed playing Pazaak with Mission, trading war stories with Canderous and listening to horribly long stories with some hidden meaning with Jolee. At this point, I even missed getting lectured by Bastila.

_How sad am I_, I laughed sardonically to myself, _I miss Bastila's snotty tones as she lectures me on the allure of the darkside._

The worst part, other than the loneliness was the fact that I had no idea what was happening out there. I didn't receive any information from the guards when I asked. There'd been no news at all. It was worrisome, to say the least.

There was a knock on the door as I sat contemplating my next step. I looked up to see Master Vrook enter the room. He spoke softly to the guard and the door closed behind him.

"Another rash decision, Jedi Revan, and another mess from which the Jedi Council is forced to extricate you. Are you ever going to learn to think before you act?" Master Vrook's acerbic voice was back in full force.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time, so I went with it. The Force works in mysterious ways." My childish retorts were also back, obviously.

"Are you saying the Force guided you to surrender yourself to an entity that holds no power over the Jedi?"

"I'm saying that there were reasons to what I did."

"Just what were these reasons? I'm curious. May I sit as you illuminate me as to your logic?" I beckoned Master Vrook to the bunk. He grimaced as he sat.

"Too many lost lives, too many hard feelings and too much pain in the galaxy because of actions Darth Revan took all factored into my decision. For the galaxy to heal, someone has to be willing to accept responsibility for these actions. Malak is dead and can't be brought out as an example. Besides, there's no real proof that Malak died, just the word of a redeemed Jedi that used to be his master."

"Even though your actions were rash, your reasoning shows you've finally matured." I smiled at that one. It might have been a backwards compliment, but from Master Vrook, I'll take any compliment I can get. "Do you not feel that destroying the Star Forge was enough atonement?"

"No, Master Vrook, I don't. I don't think there is anything at all that will ever redress the wrongs."

"A very fatalistic attitude, Jedi Revan, as always, you are wrong. You have destroyed the weapon Darth Revan discovered and used to repopulate her forces. You have broken the back of the Sith war machine. The Sith are a constant threat we must constantly guard against, Darth Revan was only one in a long line of Sith Lords."

"I agree, Master Vrook. However, if the Republic has the ability to bring one of them to justice, it deserves the chance."

"There is no proof that you are Darth Revan."

"What are you saying, Master Vrook?"

"I'm saying that you have been granted a provisional release due to the fact that your genetic material and facial structure does not match Darth Revan's. You are a willing sacrifice, I'm sure, but you are not the one to be sacrificed. You are not Darth Revan."

"What are you talking about, Master? I am..." As I started to say, I am Darth Revan, the door started to open and Master Vrook interrupted me.

"Not here, we shall discuss all of this back at the Temple. We are ready to leave, General Wasani." General Wasani's face was twisted in a dark facsimile of a smile. Not happy was an understatement of the rage I could feel pouring off her. She really had no control over her emotions.

"Darth Revan, you will remain at the Temple at all times. You are not to leave the Temple except for sanctioned trips. Should you violate this, you will be remanded into custody and will face the trial you so richly deserve."

"I'm stuck at the Temple the entire time? You're kidding me, right?" The phrases were directed at Master Vrook but the general answered.

"If you prefer your cell, it will make my day to keep you here." I really wanted to smash my fist into her self-satisfied triumphant smirk, but I remembered the Code and turned a serene face towards her. Sometimes, it's easier to be Darth Revan than Jedi Revan.

"As much as I appreciate your gracious hospitality, I would prefer better food."

The journey to the Temple was quick. I found most of my gear had already been stowed in a room in the instructor area. The space was larger than the cell I'd spent a month in, but not by much. I hadn't realized how much stuff I'd accumulated until I had to cram it all into one room. I wanted my apartment back.

A little tweedle made me turn around to the door. T3 waited in the doorway. For a droid, he seemed happy to see me. As he rolled through the doorway, I heard another welcome sound.

"Happy Greeting: Master, I am glad to see that your time in jail did not harm you.

"Abject Apology: Master, I apologize for my inaction in rescuing you.

"Interjection: I volunteered to kill all the meatbags holding you. However, the Master's Love Slave did not allow me to rescue you."

HK brought a smile to my face with his meatbag comment. It was nice to see some things do not change no matter how long you're away. I wasn't sure of the reactions of the rest of my friends since they hadn't visited. As HK walked into the room, he brought along another box.

"Glad to be out of the big house, are you?" Jolee's voice drifted in from the doorway.

"The food was worse than the junk that came out of the synthesizer on the Hawk." I said with a slight smile to my voice and on my face.

"Not sure if anything could be worse than that. Food's not much better here, though." Jolee walked over to me and hugged me. This was a shock, since Jolee isn't a "touchy-feely" sort of guy. "That was a grand gesture, but completely useless, Revan. You and your swirling Force, you're going to end up blowing up some evil guy's reactor core someday." I smiled against Jolee's shoulder as he chastised me. I could feel a slight prickle of tears behind my eyes. It was nice to be around people again.

"I figured that I might as well help the Republic if I was going to blow up somewhere anyway." My voice was slightly muffled. Jolee pulled away from me while still keeping a grip on my shoulders. He looked me over.

"At least you don't look like you're any worse for the wear. Damn young, always making foolish gestures. What were you thinking?" I gestured towards one of the chairs in the room.

"I saw an opportunity to try to heal some of the emotional damage I caused when I was Darth Revan."

"You can give that line to the rest of the Jedi and they'll believe it. I know you too well. You were upset and mad at that pompous general and tossed it back in her face." I smiled. He was partly right.

"Did you know the Council had the last message from my parents and kept it from me?" The abrupt change of subject didn't throw Jolee. That got me a little, was I becoming more like him? What a fate, to end up a gruff and rambling old Jedi.

"You saw it." It was more a statement than a question but I answered anyway.

"Master Vrook, in a moment of weakness, I'm sure, included it in some information he gave me from the archives. I hadn't seen it before. I wanted to know why this was kept from me, which is why I was on the way to the Temple when I was summoned."

"So, you're saying you volunteered to be executed to piss off the Council? Isn't that a little extreme?"

"No, I'm not saying that. I was upset about the message and the fact it was kept from me. Then, I walk in and there you and Carth sit, participating in an ambush. I felt betrayed all over again, so I decided..."

"You decided to sacrifice yourself to upset everyone? That's not a very mature reaction, Revan." Juhani's voice echoed from the doorway. The room was about to get way too crowded for comfort's sake.

"I decided to do some overly grandiose gesture to prove to everyone that I was worth the sacrifices others made for me." Juhani walked in and sat on the bed.

"You do not need to sacrifice yourself over and over. One would think you were a Corellian with the way you ignore the odds. One of these days, you will run out of luck and your grandiose gestures will get you killed. A Jedi must practice restraint."

"I would listen to Juhani, she has become a wise teacher." The number of people was getting crazy as Bastila walked into the room. Was I really the one wishing for people just a few hours ago? "I am glad you are well, Revan."

"Thanks, Bastila." I didn't know what to say to Bastila. The link between us was blocked due to my eroding dislike of her. Bastila sat on the bunk next to Juhani and primly folded her hands in her lap.

"Restraint is a necessary skill. You rush into dangerous situations without thinking, Revan. The Council was already working on the problem, why didn't you trust them to resolve it?"

"Because the Council is full of doddering weak old fools that are too scared to confront an enemy head-on. Next time you jump into something, Revan, make sure it's a battle with weapons swinging." Canderous' rusty tones preceded him into the room as he leaned on the doorframe.

"I'm with Canderous on this one, Revan. What were you thinking? I mean, come on, who volunteers to get jailed and all? That was pretty stupid." Mission spoke up and Zaalbar roared his agreement. I'd thought the Hawk could get crowded but with most of the crew stuck in the room with me, it was even worse. Mission quickly walked across the room and hugged me. She sat on the floor and Zaalbar sat next to her.

"Stupid, yes, but there are those in the Republic who trust Revan more now that she was willing to face her past. The Council needs to be careful throwing their weight around. There are those in the Republic who do not trust the Jedi and see this as proof supporting that belief." Carth was the missing member of the Hawk and he surveyed the room as he spoke. He leaned on the opposite doorframe from Canderous. He was wearing that abominable orange jacket I hated so much. Underneath it, though, he wore a shirt and pair of trousers that I'm sure I bought for him on the same trip I bought my dress.

"The Council has its reasons, much as I may disagree with them." Jolee spoke up once more. "They do not see the ramifications of the mess they're stuck in right now. They refuse to see how others might interpret their actions. The Jedi are all-powerful keepers of the peace as far as they're concerned. They refuse to believe that people are starting to mistrust the Jedi." Another burden I was going to have to bear. I'd started the trust issue between the people and the Jedi and now I was continuing it. Juhani must have read my thoughts in my face as she spoke up.

"It is not entirely your fault, Revan. The issue pre-dates your fall to the darkside. When the Council hesitated to intercede in the Mandalorian War, the people started the journey. This is only another part of the path."

"Juhani's right, Revan. If the Council had been brave enough to confront the Mandalorians, the people would still view the Jedi as benevolent gods." Carth stated what most of us thought but hesitated to voice.

"The Council has their reasons, as I'm sure Jolee can now attest. They must look at the larger picture."

"You can look at the forest all you want but sometimes it's the tree right in front of you that's going to sweep you off the swoop bike."

"So, what's next?" Mission piped up from the floor.

"I've been reviewing the datapads Revan left out and I've found some interesting blank spots." Carth looked over at me. "I think we need to find out more about Revan's journey beyond the Rim. Any new memories, Revan?" I shook my head negatively. "Then, we'll just need to head out there and see what we can find. Any ideas on a starting point?"

"Deralia, that's what my dreams tell me." Bastila looked scandalized and she didn't hesitate to tell us why.

"Revan, you are not allowed to leave the Temple or you'll be arrested again!"

"Actually, she's allowed to leave on sanctioned missions. I'm sanctioning this one as long as I get to go along. I've needed a vacation from all this 'this Padawan looked at that Padawan wrong' and 'this apprentice put bantha hair in my soup' blah blah blah. Being on the Council isn't what it's cracked up to be. When do we leave and don't you speak up, missy, you're reckless." The last was said with a smile.

"I'd have to get clearance but once that comes through, I don't see a problem about leaving right afterwards." I nodded agreement with Carth.

The conversation after that broke down into smaller groups. I just let the voices wash over me. The utter aloneness of the prison would take quite awhile to cleanse out of my soul. I felt a hand on my shoulder and opened my eyes. Carth stood to my side.

"We're tiring you. I'll get everyone to clear out so you can get some rest."

"No, I'm not tired. I spent way too much time meditating and resting while I was in that cell. I'm enjoying all the noise."

"As long as you're comfortable, then I won't clear them out." Carth looked around the room at all the people. No one was really looking at us. "I've missed you. I couldn't sleep. I've had problems eating. I was even debating having HK kill some meatbags so I could be in the cell next to you." This last bit made me smile. It wasn't my full smile, that would take a bit to recover, but it was a start.

"Why didn't you visit?" The question slipped out before I knew it. I hadn't really planned on asking anyone why none of them came to see me. I didn't want to seem needy.

"We all came but we weren't allowed in by the guards. You were, supposedly, a danger to everyone."

"Oh, I see." That was the truth. I did see the reasoning. After all, if I could slaughter billions at random, what are a few deaths among friends?

"Did you, well, um, that is, did you... oh never mind." Carth stumbled over his question and looked slightly embarrassed.

"I missed you." I put my hand on his where it rested on my shoulder. With a slight shift on the chair, I moved so I could hug him around his waist. My head burrowed in against his hard stomach and that horrible orange jacket covered my face. His hands went around the back of my head and held me tight against him. It was nice to be able to breath in the smell of Carth. I'd missed it more than I'd realized.

"I'm glad."

* * *

A/N: Just wanted to take a moment andtell you all a little story. The trial idea came about because I was stuck on how to write the promotion ceremony. So, I was thinking of ways to get out of it. I thought, how else to show why the Jedi were viewed as insufferable prats than for them to throw their weight around by getting Revan out of a trial because she was a Jedi? It shows the galaxy that the Jedi are above the Republics "petty" rules. So, this is really how I'm setting up the events in KOTOR II. 

Also, I wanted to put a huge THANK YOU! to all the people leaving feedback, especially Cat since she leaves feedback on every chapter and helps me grow the story by pointing out where I go wrong (yes, Dustil's hair was darkbrown, so um, he went to a hairstylist and dyed it? Errr, um, maybe he decided darkbrown was too Sithlike and decided sandy was a better look? Seriously though, I was just a dork and remembered his hair wrong.) So, thanks all!

We're going to get out of the first few months shortly, I promise.


	18. Promotion

Over the next week or so, I took to haunting the sparring chambers in the Temple. I'd been stuck in the same place for weeks on end before, or at least, I think I had. However, this time, it wasn't my choice and that's what made it so unbearable starting on the second day. Hence, the habit of hanging out in the closest thing to my greatest addiction, the dueling rings.

Honestly, all I really wanted was a good duel. I'd take any partner I could get to relieve this boredom that I was suffering. Unfortunately, there were no takers. The Padawans were intimidated by me, the Knights themselves were distracted and didn't come into the sparring rooms all that often and the Masters were too busy.

So, instead of dueling as I wished, I watched the older Padawans. There were two Padawans who had horrible stances and even worse grips. If they went into the trials and the real world fighting like that, they were sure to meet a quick and painful demise. I finally could not take it any longer, so I finally approached them.

"Your forms are awful." Blunt and to the point, that's me. The two combatants stopped the duel and stared at me. Their incredulous faces reflected how amazed they were at my audacity.

"Here, I'll show you." Before they could react, I changed their grips and started bumping their legs into place with my feet and hips. "There, do you see how much easier it is to defend now? You, do you see how much easier it is to attack and keep a good hold on your lightsaber?" Their shocked faces just stared at me mutely.

"Can you even speak? What are they teaching you nowadays? Look, I'll show you." I grabbed the defender's saber and moved into place as I grabbed the attacker's saber and moved. A light finally dawned for them and they tested out the stance and grip. I stepped back from the swirling lightsabers.

"Thank you, Master. It is much easier to maintain a steady grasp on the lightsaber." I rolled my eyes at being called master.

"I'm no Master, but you're welcome. Keep going. I'll stop you if you mess up again." Sure enough, they quickly went back to their original grips and awkward stances.

"No! Here, fight me and I'll show you why you're holding the saber completely wrong."

"But there are two of us and only one of you. That is not honorable." The Padawans shook their heads.

"I'm a higher rank; we'll pretend that makes two of me. Come on, I'll show you. Anyone have a saber I can borrow?" One of the nearby students tossed me their saber. The two students I was helping exchanged glances and started to advance. The rest of the sparring students stopped their duels and started watching us. With their clumsy movements and loose grips, I disarmed the two with a quick flick of my saber.

"Now, do you see why you need to hold your lightsaber differently?" They nodded. Thus began my days of instructing in the sparring room. I quickly gathered a student following for extra instruction. The weeks passed as the group grew. The group itself was fluid; sometimes a student only came for one move or another. Others, like my first two, showed up almost every day.

As I continued my career as an unofficial instructor, my boredom was starting to relieve itself. I finally had a purpose during my confinement. I enjoyed the company of the students. They were quick and eager to learn. At the end of each lesson, I agreed to spar, all at once, with any that would be willing to try. Most days I won, but victory was harder and harder to achieve as the students learned.

It was during one of these pick-up mock fights that I was disarmed by a student I hadn't seen since I forced his confrontation with his father. Dustil Onasi stood before me, twirling my lightsaber in his hand as he swung his towards my neck. With a quick shift of my hips, I ducked below the swing and grabbed his wrist. I twisted it backwards until it wouldn't go any further without breaking. At that point, Dustil had two choices; he could let go of the lightsaber or I could break his wrist. He smartly let go of his lightsaber and I was armed once more. We continued exchanging blows until finally, he yielded with a smile. This wasn't an expression I really expected to see on his face, especially not after the last time we both were armed.

We stood and panted as we contemplated each other. The room seemed to disappear as I studied the young man in front of me. The sound of applause distracted me and I comically bowed to the room.

"Thank you all! That concludes Revan's Amazing Battle Reenactments! We will have another show tomorrow, same time, same place!" The students trickled out of the room. Dustil made no move towards the door. He was staring at me and I admit freely that it was very unnerving. After the last student left, I spoke.

"You've improved." A simple statement, neither offensive nor defensive, I wasn't sure where we stood at this point. I'd only met him three times, once when Carth and I confronted him, once when he tried to kill me and once when I broke his assumptions.

"I've been watching you." Another innocuous statement, this time lobbed into the conversation by Dustil.

"Know thy enemy, I understand." Oops, now I was going on the offensive by being mildly offensive to him. Carth would probably be displeased. Then again, Carth hadn't been bothered to come visit me for over a week. That encounter had only lasted a few hours before he left again. We were on rocky ground, just like normal for us. I really didn't need Dustil blowing up and tattling to daddy to push us over the edge.

"You are a very good teacher. I watch your moves and try to emulate them as much as possible. Your lightsabers seem to be extensions of your hands. It is beauty in motion, deadly beauty, but beauty nonetheless." Did this mean I was still his enemy or was I an instructor?

"When you've been in as many battles as I have with the caliber of opponents that I have, you'll understand where those skills come from. Hell, lightsabers are about the only thing I'm skilled at." I sat down on the bench where I reviewed the students on the first day of my impromptu teaching.

"That's why I've been coming and learning. I, well, I admire you." That sounded painful to admit, I laughed to myself.

"So that I understand, you wanted to kill me and now you admire me? Are you trying to distract me from the weapon you're aiming at my heart or back?"

"Father and I have talked, a lot." Dustil paused and I wondered what they talked about. I wished Carth would talk to me. I needed out of the Temple if I was jealous of a spoiled Padawan.

"You're ok with me being around now? No longer want to kill me? You have the mysterious Jedi-speak down but you'll find I'm not into that."

"No, you're much blunter." I smiled at that. I could do Jedi-speak with the best of them. I chose not to, I'd been misled by it too many times to use it on anyone and everyone. Dustil continued, "You told me before that I needed to improve my techniques. I'd like you to instruct me."

"You, Dustil Onasi, victim extraordinaire, want me, Darth Revan, to teach you? Teach you what, Dustil?"

"I…you're making this tougher than it needs to be. I want to learn how to use a lightsaber, you're the best here. If you don't want to teach me, fine, I'll find someone else." I was going through serious Carth withdrawal if I actually missed the Onasi impatience like this. Well, if I couldn't bait Carth, I'd bait the next best thing.

"You're showing a disturbing lack of patience, Padawan. I'm simply trying to gauge your true motive behind the request."

"I thought you didn't do mysterious Jedi-speak." I was really missing Carth. I wondered if Dustil realized how much of his father he had in him.

"Very good, Dustil, you scored a direct hit. Sure, I'll teach you. Why not, after all it's not like I don't have anything else to be doing."

"Don't blow a gasket showing the excitement at the prospect, Revan."

With those fated words, I started tutoring Dustil. Another few weeks passed as I continued working with the group of students after their other classes and Dustil into the evening hours. No one spoke to me about it, but, at one point, I did see Master Kavar standing at the back of the room smiling. Each of the students improved, including my first two pupils.

No one improved more than Dustil, however. To my surprise, as we trained, we grew closer. We spoke about generalities, his classes, Force powers, Force stances, dorm bunks. The conversations evolved into deeper and more personal topics; Selene, his mother, the quest for the Star Forge, how I turned Yuthura Ban towards the light. We were learning about each other and I didn't realize it until he burst out with a startling statement.

"Why are you ignoring my father?" He distracted me from blocking his sweep and the training lightsaber flew through my body, effectively killing me.

"What are you talking about?" We started again. As we thrust and parried, ducked and jumped, we'd reached the point that the sabers blurred into a colorful lightshow.

"You don't call him, you don't seek him out. What happened?" I blocked a particularly brutal move towards my head. As I countered with a chop at his knees, I took a moment to think about what he said.

"We comm each other. I can't seek him out, I'm forbidden from leaving the Temple, remember?" Dustil blocked my move and spun away. With a particularly inventive roll, his saber turned towards my stomach. Our lightsabers crackled where they met, sending up sparks.

"You don't comm each other, he comms you. You've hurt him, Revan." I stood and forgot to defend myself as Dustil's saber severed me in half. Thankfully, with the training blades, everything stayed attached. "You didn't realize, did you? He thinks he's intruding, he thinks you're turning into Bastila. He thinks you don't care."

"I have to fix this." Dustil nodded. I smiled at him and without thinking, hugged him. He stood stiffly in my arms until he awkwardly returned the embrace. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." As we broke apart, we heard an awkward cough from the doorway. I turned to see a padawan standing in the doorway.

"Jedi Revan, your presence is required in the Council Chambers." I nodded my thanks to the padawan as he backed out of the room.

"We'll pick this up later, Dustil. I've been summoned." Dustil inclined his head and I made my way out to the Council Chambers.

When I entered, I noticed that the entire Council was arrayed around the room. I stopped at the threshold until I was gestured forward. I suddenly wished I'd changed my tattered robes into something a bit more presentable.

"Jedi Knight Revan, do you have any idea why you've been summoned?" A Master I didn't recognize addressed me.

"No, Honored Masters, I am unaware of why you would require my presence."

"We have heard rumors of your exploits in the sparring rooms." Another Master, this one female with shocking white-blond hair addressed me.

"Are you talking about my advice sessions?"

"Our sources inform us that these are, for all intents and purposes, training sessions. You are not an authorized instructor." Her voice was cold. For a moment, I wondered what I did to her to make her hate me. Then I realized that I didn't care, as long as she didn't act on that hate to harm me.

"I wouldn't dream of instructing sub-par students on necessary techniques. These are pick-up fights. I'm sure you've heard that I've encouraged a roomful of students to attack me at once."

"Jedi Revan, we ask that you keep a respectful tone to your voice."

"I'll be respectful when I deem it warranted. I am helping padawans that need the extra training. If the Council has an issue with this, then perhaps the Council needs to readjust their priorities. If this is all I'm here for, I have much more important things to take care of." I turned as if to exit the room but heard someone clapping behind me.

"Girl, I knew you would make me proud. Atris, she just told you! I told you she deserved the promotion, hoo-boy, it's about time people realize that just because I'm old, I know a thing or two." Jolee's voice broke my concentration and I started to laugh. My laughter stopped abruptly when I realized what he'd said. What promotion?

"Jedi Knight Revan, please come to the center of the room." Master Vandar spoke to me. I walked to the center of the room and the lights dimmed. A flare of lightsabers surrounded me. For a moment, I thought the Council was going to execute me. Then, Master Vandar's voice broke through the darkness.

"Jedi Knight Revan, please kneel." I knelt. "We hereby honor you with the title of Master Jedi. Please repeat the Code of the Jedi." I recited the Code as I knelt within the circle of multi-hued lightsabers. I was in a bit of a shell-shocked state. The rest of the ceremony passed in a blur.

I stayed kneeling until I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was attached to Jolee. He pulled me to my feet.

"Padawan, please enter." The door to the Council Chambers opened and Dustil Onasi stepped through.

"Please tell the Council about your interactions with Master Revan." Dustil recounted how I forced him to realize that he was hurting his father, how I trained him in the lightsaber during our sparring sessions. He finished by recounting some of the conversations we'd had about our pasts and how I showed him what it meant to be a Jedi.

"Padawan, you do not have a Master, correct?" Dustil nodded.

"Master Revan, would you be willing to formerly take on the responsibilities of training Padawan Onasi?" I was still shocked from the promotion so all I could do was nod.

* * *

Sorry for the delay all. I volunteered to beta some stories and between that and RL, stories went a bit crazy. There is another chapter that will be uploaded shortly, just have to beta my own stuff yet. I haven't forgotten Carth and his promise of a few weeks, you'll see it in the next chapter.

Thanks to all those that review, you're the best!


	19. Betrayer

Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be, thanks for making me cry.

Warnings: torture mentioned in this chapter… kinda blunt torture that I then crack a couple of ill-placed jokes regarding.

* * *

I found that even with a promotion and a fancy new title, life didn't change much. Well, at least life for me didn't change much. I was still forbidden from leaving the Jedi Temple on threat of arrest and execution. I was, to put it mildly, completely bored. I was bored with looking at the same walls everyday. I was bored with speaking to the same people everyday. I was bored with sparring with the same people, even if the students were improving. I was bored with everything.

I wanted to escape out of the Temple. I wanted to hop into the Ebon Hawk, play Pazaak with Mission, spar with Canderous and argue with Carth. I longed for the streaking starlight of hyperspace and the lazy moments as we hurtled to our next destination.

Basically, it all came down to freedom. I missed my freedom to choose. That I gave up that freedom in one grandiose spur-of-the-moment choice was not without its ironies to me. The confinement still rankled.

I began fighting against being fettered. I spent more time outside in the gardens. My meditation time was the only time I was truly free. During meditation, I could soar through the city and visit anywhere I wanted. I was free of all confines and so I spent more and more time meditating. In my head was true freedom and those around me found it hard to understand that.

I could sense the worry radiating off Juhani and Jolee. Both tried to pull me from my contemplations. Juhani sparred with me until we were both panting for breath. Jolee lectured me by telling me random stories about deceased Jedi that didn't maintain awareness of their surroundings. Hindsight is twenty/twenty and Jolee was trying to tell me more than just to focus on my padawan.

When it comes to martial matters, I am brilliant. Saying that makes me sound egotistical but it's a simple statement of fact. I see the way a battle will unfold and I do my best to plan tactics that will keep the opponent from winning. The talent isn't Battle Meditation; I'll leave that to Bastila. Instead, it's more like educated guessing. I research my opponent until I know him, her, it or them better than I know myself. Admittedly, at this point, I know barely anything about myself, but the meaning still stands. I plan to the most minute details until there is no way my forces can lose simply because I plan for any eventuality.

However, I've always had my blind spots. As the betrayal of my brother illustrates, I continue to trust even though obvious factors point a cautionary warning. I thought after my promotion and my newest acquisition, the padawan son of one of the Republic's most trusted heroes, things would change. I figured, albeit very naively that I would be allowed to leave the Temple. I assumed that due to my new status, the Republic officials would gift me with a small modicum of trust and at least allow me to venture out into Coruscant. The Jedi Council kept promising that they were trying to intervene in the case to allow my padawan and me to train out in the galaxy. Jolee and Kavar, in particular, were very eager to assist my cause.

I also thought, as much as it hurt, that my former non-Jedi crewmates didn't want anything to do with me. After all, I was now an acknowledged war criminal. They had to have been taking some heat for associating with me. I could just see Mission trying to defend me and having to fall back on Big Z to protect her when her protestations got her in trouble. I figured that Canderous was off doing some Mandalorian thing.

The one person I couldn't figure out where we stood was Carth. I knew from Dustil that he was hurt that I didn't comm him as often as he commed me. That might be why he was never available whenever I tried to reach him and didn't return my calls. Force knows, Carth is a moody guy but I didn't think someone professing to love me would treat me this way. We've had more than our fair share of arguments but Carth had never ignored me. Even when I was shown to be Revan, he'd raged and yelled at me.

I couldn't discern a pattern in the behavior of those outside of the Temple, much as I tried. What I didn't take into account, brilliant strategist that I was purported to be, was that I was being betrayed from inside the Temple. Someone I knew and trusted was using my situation and me for their own purposes. The betrayal was subtly done, so subtle that I didn't pick up on it.

Instead, it was brought to my attention one beautifully sunny afternoon as I sat in the meditation gardens with Jolee. We were, for all intents and purposes, meeting to discuss how Dustil was progressing under my tutelage.

"He's quite talented with a lightsaber, Jolee. The other day, he actually disarmed me completely." With a small smile of pride that I hoped Dustil would never see, I acknowledged his prowess with a single lightsaber. Dustil and I still had an uneasy truce between us. There were topics that were strictly off-limits, his father being one of them. This wasn't due to avoidance on either of our parts, it had more to do with the fact that our mock battles turned ferocious as we had a habit of disagreeing strongly. Dustil also had the annoying habit of getting cocky when I complimented him, which normally preceded him "dying" in a spectacularly stupid manner.

"It's all well and good to know what you're doing in a practice but what about real life experience? When are you going to show him how the galaxy works?" Jolee's cantankerous voice was one of the few that I got to hear in my insulated world.

"Jolee, you know as well as I do that I'm not allowed to leave the Temple."

"Don't you wonder why?" Jolee cocked his head at me, as if I were a puzzle he didn't want to take the time to figure out. It was the same look he'd given me countless times when I didn't get what he was saying in one of his long rambling stories.

"It's simple enough, I leave the Temple, and I'm arrested and then executed. Sounds a bit painful to me." Jolee snorted at me.

"How the hell did you ever win a battle?" Jolee shook his head at me. "Did I ever tell you the story of Ignatius the Wise?" It was my turn to shake my head.

"Ignatius was a wise Jedi. Ha, that's why they called him Ignatius the Wise, get it? Anyway, back in the day, Ignatius was in charge of, well, I forget. But, he was in charge of something." I smiled. Jolee's story telling reminded me of why I was fond of the old man.

"Where was I? Don't you look at me like that, girly. When you get to my age, you'll forget a few things too. Ignatius was so wise they put him in charge of something important."

"It couldn't have been that important if you forgot what he was in charge of, right?" I loved to sass Jolee. It's a small action that never ceases to delight me.

"Don't you get smart with me. When you're my age, you'll realize the audacity of youth. Back in my day, we wouldn't have treated our elders with such disrespect. Where was I?" I hid a laugh behind a cough.

"Right, Ignatius was tallying some figures when he realized they didn't add up." Jolee sat back and looked at me. The silence stretched on as I waited for Jolee to continue the story. I should have known better.

"So then what?" I finally couldn't help myself.

"That's it; he wasn't so wise, now was he? The young, today, they never get what you're trying to tell them. I don't know why I bother." Jolee looked at me with an indiscernible gaze as he got to his feet. "When you have knees like mine, you won't be gallivanting all over the place. Just for once, I'd like to be able to get up without all this creaking and groaning. You'd think I was one of those awful Bith bands with all the noises my body makes. Can't stand Bith bands, bunch of senseless noise, all caterwauling and honking and…" Jolee's voice faded as he continued his rant while walking away from me.

I sat there and stared at the colorful flowers waving in the slight breeze. I looked at the rugged rocks scattered throughout the rock garden. I'd like to claim that an epiphany hit and I knew instantly how I'd been locked into being a prisoner. However, Jolee's story only opened me up to the possibility that everything I took for granted didn't add up.

My dreams that night were haunted by ghosts and old memories.

_I strode down a long walkway. With a small flick of a finger, I sent the body that dared to impede my progress flying into a wall. A sickening crunch signaled that I would need a new gunner. My flagship was running at peak capacity. Everything was as it should be. The Star Forge was pumping out new fighters at an astounding rate. My capital ships were finally manned by well-trained crew. Many of my former Jedi allies were now my Sith apprentices. _

_I had a strong navy to fight the coming invasion. Soon it would be time to fight fire with fire. The Republic was stuck hiding behind its righteous ideals and didn't stand a chance against its unknown foe. However, Malak and I had seen the real foes. The Mandalorians were a front, a small foray to gauge the readiness and willingness of the Republic to fight. _

_It was while I was high on the power of success that I learned that there must be balance. My absolute high came crashing down into an absolute low as I was hailed by Sulun, an apprentice of some skill and my current bed warmer. _

"_Master, a moment of your time." Even through the mask, Sulun knew the glare that radiated towards him. "Master, Malak is missing." _

"_Define 'missing', Apprentice." Sulun quailed in front of me and I still had enough of a lightsider in me to be slightly ashamed of my enjoyment of his pain._

"_Master, Malak's ship, as far as we can determine, has been captured." _

"_Who?" It was softly spoken but as those who knew me could attest, it was when I got quiet that fear should be an overriding emotion._

"_We are still researching, Master." A small pinching motion of my fingers caused Sulun to choke. His skin, naturally tinted lilac, turned a beautiful shade of violent purple that I resolved to paint my bedchamber. The clawing motion of Sulun's hands annoyed me and I pinched just a little harder to make him stop._

"_Where?" I directed the query to the room at large as Sulun had finally stopped his frantic gesturing. _

"_Somewhere in the Varko Sector, my Lord." A small voice piped up from the pit of computer systems below my deck._

"_Finally, some competence, I am amazed. You," I waved in the general vicinity of the small voice. "will accompany me. Order my ship prepared. Prepare a support flotilla. We leave within the hour."_

_The journey to the Varko Sector did not pass fast enough for me. I could feel the pain that my brother and primary apprentice was suffering. I was abrupt and impatient but kept my temper under a modicum of control so that the idiots surrounding me could, at least, sacrifice themselves for my continued survival._

_The battle scenes passed quickly through my dream. A flash of lightsabers clashing, a glimpse of bodies falling, the echoing sound of maniacal laughter ringing through hallways, all blinked through my dream like a surreal holovid. _

_Like any stereotypical nightmarish dream, I approached a doorway at the end of a long corridor. Behind it, I could sense the waning life force of my brother. In slow motion, I opened it, dreading what was behind._

_When I opened the door, I almost vomited as the smell of decay slapped at me, even through the filtering system of my Force-mask. My tall, handsome brother lay, curled into himself, on a dirty cot in a corner. His skin, always pale, glowed a disgusting yellow. There was no space for embarrassment as a cry escaped my mouth. That witty and smiling mouth, sometimes I thought it the best feature, was gone. Instead of a lower jaw, there was only a wreck of infected and rotting flesh. _

_Rage demanded that I rip the door from its hinges and howl at the world. My anger demanded justice and justice was to slaughter every single being that inhabited this station, the planet below, any and all suppliers and any who knew what had been done to my brother. For my brother, however, I quietly stalked into the room and stood by his side. Revenge would wait until I assessed damage and secured safety. _

_I touched his forehead and shuddered at the too high temperature of his flesh. At my touch, Malak's eyes opened and a small mewling noise escaped his lips. He whimpered like an infant and the remains of my heart shattered._

"_Malak, oh Malak, what did they do to you?" My voice sounded mechanical as it escaped through the Force-mask. I could see Malak's throat working frantically to make him understood. He started thrashing on the cot._

"_Hush baby, relax." I took off my mask and lowered myself to be closer to him. The back of my hand rubbed down his cheek, trying to offer what little comfort I could. I tried to avoid his eyes. They were pleading with me to put him out of his misery, end his pain and suffering, kill him, do something._

"_I won't do it, Malak. We'll figure something out." I rubbed Malak's forearm in small circles when it suddenly grabbed me with a frantic strength._

"_So, that's what I looked like when you found me. Disgusting, isn't it?" My remembered-self continued to rub comforting circles as my cognizant self looked up. Malak stood, whole and complete behind me. "Why didn't you end my torment?"_

"_I couldn't. You were my brother, the only person I valued."_

"_And, in the end, you killed me anyway." Malak shook his head sadly at me._

"_I didn't mean to kill you. I was trying to save me."_

"_Was I so weak that you felt the need to rescue me and save me at every turn?" I just stared at him. "Watch, Revan."_

_The scene fast-forwarded to the same decking. I was stalking my prey. I knew who the betrayer was. Someone had sold Malak's trip details to the enemy. Through investigation and prudent use of the Force, I'd narrowed it down. My betrayer had no clue what was about to happen to him._

"_Master, how is Malak? I understand he has been transferred to our medbay."_

"_Your concern is quite fitting, Sulun, it does you credit." My voice was cold, all warmth I'd possessed had been beaten out of me by this betrayal. Hidden behind the mask was a mockery of a smile, a snarl that mixed with a smirk. The last of the idealistic Jedi was gone and this creature in front of me was about to find out._

"_Thank you, my Lord. What are his injuries?"_

"_Tell me, apprentice, were you recompensed enough? Did you receive your entire payment or was the second half deliverable upon death?" A panicked expression flitted across his face, so quickly that if I had not been looking for it, I would have missed it._

"_I…I have no idea what you are discussing. What does payment have to do with injuries, Master?" Sulun took a small set of steps back as I continued my approach._

"_Sulun, I owe you a debt of gratitude. You have taught me a valuable lesson." My apprentice's stiff posture relaxed a little bit. "Without your betrayal of Malak, I would not have learned that there can never be trust among Sith. Thank you for completing my training." Sulun's mouth opened and shut like a fish. _

"_My Lord…I…but…how?" _

"_Due to my debt of gratitude, I will show you leniency and mercy." The assembled crowd stared at the confrontation._

"_Thank you, My Lord." The last word was cut off by a shrill high pitched scream that squeaked out of the former Jedi's mouth. The flesh around the former Jedi's mouth melted. _

"_There must be balance to the Force. You took from me and mine; I will take from you and yours." The only sound in the room was the gentle "plop-plop" as the flesh dripped onto the ground. Sulun soon followed, collapsing to the ground in pain._

"_I wondered what you did to him to cause so many to fear you. I'd heard rumors and stories but I longed to see it for myself." The dream Malak stood by my side once more. Together, we watched until there was no flesh left on Sulun. "You were quite terrifying."_

"_How could I be so cruel? A Jedi…" _

"_We were no longer Jedi. We were Sith." Malak interrupted me. The body in front of me continued to writhe on the ground as the melted skin formed a puddle on the ground._

"_Please, make it stop." The soft horrified whisper barely came out of my voice._

"_The memory must finish. I am not making you remember this. There is a reason you need to remember the lesson of betrayal. Once more, you and yours are betrayed by one you trust. Investigate and cut the betrayal off at the knees while you can still act."_

With a frantic inhale, I sat up in my bed. I couldn't catch my breath as I panted. What was going on with all the warnings of betrayal? Who was the betrayer?

The only thing I knew for certain was that I would not be melting any flesh anytime in the near future. I wasn't sure which disturbed me more, the vision or the lack of remorse?

After I finally started breathing normally, I looked at the clock. It was early but not so early that I couldn't get some breakfast and then some quality time in the library. After my stomach rebelled at the thought of breakfast, I decided to go straight to the library.

A few hours passed as I cursed and cajoled the machines to give me the information I needed.

"Unknown query. Please rephrase your query."

"I'll rephrase you, you stupid piece of gizka crap! Give me all information regarding the trial of Jedi Master Revan."

"Unknown query. Please rephrase your query."

"For Force sake! Pull all records regarding the possible trial of Jedi Master Revan."

"Unknown query. Please rephrase your query." With a flick of my wrist, I stood up and fired up my right lightsaber.

"Now, you stupid piece of crap, you will give me all information regarding the trial of Jedi Master Revan or I will carve you into pieces so small that no one will recognize you!" It was only fitting that that would be when my padawan would walk in, escorted by Masters Vandar and Jolee. As it was too late to hide the fact that I was threatening the computer with my lightsaber, I tried my best to distract them by inserting a quick "Please".

"Master Revan, what is going on here?"

"Computer problems, Master. It seems that I cannot access the Jedi records of my trial, even though they were here a week ago." I powered the lightsaber down. I caught Dustil's smirk.

"Did you not think of asking a librarian for aid?"

"Uh, no, I didn't." Dustil's smirk grew bigger. I couldn't wait until practice when I could wipe that grin off his face. He looked way too pleased with the situation.

"Here, let me, Master." Dustil sauntered, yes, I mean he sauntered, over to the computer workstation and keyed in some series of commands. "Computer, please retrieve all records regarding the possible trial of Jedi Master Revan. Please download all information on the attached datapad." Dustil shot me a triumphant look.

"Unknown query. Please rephrase your query." Dustil's smirk disappeared.

"Masters, the records were here just yesterday. I pulled them up, myself." Master Vandar limped over to the workstation and keyed in another set of commands.

"The records are missing. We will need to investigate. Should you discover any other records missing, please inform a librarian. We do not need an assassinated workstation." I heard Dustil snicker. When I turned to look at him, the snicker turned into an obviously fake cough. I couldn't wait to get even.

"I am sorry, Masters. I allowed my temper to get away from me." Once more I heard Dustil snicker and then try to cover it with a cough. Jolee's eyes twinkled and I knew he was laughing at me.

"Really, Revan, attacking an unarmed opponent? I'm shocked." Jolee's twinkling eyes morphed into a full bellied laugh. Master Vandar joined in, quickly followed by Dustil. I glared at all of them.

"You, with me." I pointed at Dustil and gestured for him to follow me as I stalked out of the library. The laughter followed after me. We kept walking until I found a small training room with another computer system.

"Get me in that." I waved at the computer. Dustil smirked at me again and logged in.

"I'm in, Master." I hated how he said 'master'. It made me want to shake him because he reminded me of his father.

"Look up all information on Jedi Sulun Destrierq." With a confused look, Dustil typed in the necessary commands.

"Who's that?" The computer chirped.

"None of your concern at this point, padawan. What did it bring up?"

"A file on the guy, it says he joined up with you. Why is he important?"

"Download the information onto my datapad. I'll review it later."

"What datapad?" Dustil threw a confused look around the room.

"UGH!" I screamed in frustration. "I left it at the library. Go back and get it, padawan."

"Why do I have to? You're the one that left it there."

"You need to learn some respect for your master, padawan. When you reach my rank, then you can boss around padawans, until then, suck it up and play fetch."

"You're sounding more and more like Jolee every day." I growled. "Ok, ok, I'm going, sheesh. You're as cranky as he is too!" Dustil ran out of the room before I could think of something to say.

"You're researching the wrong betrayal, Revan." The ghostly voice of Malak spoke over my shoulder.

"I didn't want my last vision of him to be a melted pile of goo on the deck of the Star Forge. It would give me indigestion." A bark of laughter from Malak acknowledged my statement.

"Worse indigestion than you're getting with your padawan? Were we that arrogant when we were studying?"

Dustil came back into the room with the datapad. He quickly downloaded the information.

"Anything else you need, oh wise and gracious master?" I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, get me any and all information on the members of the Council. I also want to know anything relating to the negotiations for my freedom and, that's wise, gracious and impressive master. Get it right next time, sonny." We both laughed at my poor imitation of Jolee's voice.

"It is good to hear you laugh, Revan." Juhani's voice came from the doorway. "I was worried that I would not hear it again." I smiled at her as I walked across the room and hugged the Cathar.

"I'm getting there. Thanks for sticking with me."

"Of course, what else would I do? You did not leave me in my times of trouble." The softly accented voice helped to ground me. At least, it did until a thought crossed my mind.

Malak told me that the betrayer was someone close to me. Could it be Juhani?

* * *

Sorry for the delay in updating. RL got to me, as did the addiction to another fandom. For cookies and updates, please visit my livejournal account that is on my profile.

Got a couple of questions on this so I'll answer them here, well, kind of. If you've played KOTOR 2, you know what happens to Revan and Carth so you know where I'm going with it. Also, you know what happens to the Jedi (well, kinda) after KOTOR 1, so you know the confines that I'm writing with here. I'm simply trying to explain why the galaxy would view both the Sith and the Jedi as two sides of the same coin.


	20. Teaser

A/N: This story has not been abandoned. I've been going through a re-write of parts that I've not been satisfied with. There won't be any major plotpoint changes. However, there will be dialogue and character interaction changes.

To show you that I really didn't abandon it...here's a teaser towards the next bit of action. As always, I'd love to hear what you think.

* * *

The information slowly coalesced in front of me as I continued my daily regimen, trapped within the Temple. The records of the negotiations were scant and didn't help. On the other hand, the information regarding the original betrayal soothed my nerves but not my conscience. The former Jedi and later Sith Apprentice, Sulun Destrierq was a handsome man. He was even more handsome before turning to the Darkside. His hair glowed a bright red in the holos I had Dustil find. His home world was one of the middle planets my forces overran during my time as the Dark Lord of the Sith.

I found myself looking at everyone as the possible betrayer and that started to color my existence. It was a struggle not to act on the dark thoughts swirling in my head. HK's murderous suggestions every time I returned to my rooms weren't helping.

It all came to a head when I found myself becoming overly aggressive with Dustil during a training session. When he knocked me off my feet, I raised my hand and a stream of Force Lightening spurted out of my palm. His screams ricocheted around the room as I frantically cut it off.

"Dustil?" I hated how I sounded. In all honesty, I was frightened at what I'd done. My voice, however, sounded angry and I wasn't. Disengaging my lightsaber, I tossed it to the side as I hurried over to my padawan. His silence scared me even more than his lack of motion. "Dustil?"

The slide of the door sounded off to my right as I crouched over Dustil. After reaching out with the Force, I could feel Juhani as she hurried in with a few of her padawans. She gently pushed me out of the way as she began to tend to Dustil. Everything seemed to be foggy and clouded. Slowly but surely, I was shouldered to the back of the group. I could no longer see my padawan. Instead, there was a nameless and faceless sea of brown robes in front of me.

When an arm encircled my shoulders and another pressed against me, steering me away, I startled.

"Come with me, Revan." Jolee sounded far more serious than I'd ever heard him.

I followed behind by rote. I would've liked to say that my mind raced with thoughts as to why I'd had such a dark thing shoot from my hands but I would be lying. Funny that I refuse to lie but I could shoot Force Lightening.

Eventually, we came to Jolee's small office. It was cozy with its armchairs and lack of pretentious Jedi memorabilia. The holo of the Hawk's crew sat on a table. I'd been such a different person when that had been taken. The loss of my newly regained brother had eviscerated me but Carth and I had been talking. I amended my thought. The crew and I had been talking. Where in the Force had I gone wrong?

"You've gotten yourself into another pickle, Revan." Jolee's somber tone brought me back to the harsh reality of my current existence. That worried me more than I could ever express. Jolee was never somber. Cantankerous, grumpy, sarcastic and whining all fit his demeanor but never somber.

"Why don't you tell me what happened back there?" I finally looked away from the holo.

"How did you know to come so quickly?" Was that small broken voice really me? I felt a slither of evil laughter ricochet through my head before I clamped down.

"We felt the ripple in the Force, Revan." I looked down towards my hands.

"I don't know, Jolee. I really don't know. Dustil knocked me on my ass and when I stood, the Lightening shot out. I didn't will it to happen. I'd planned on standing and calling my saber back to me before continuing the sparring. I really didn't…" My voice faded out as I began to repeat myself.

The door slid open. I didn't look up from my contemplation of my hands. I noticed my nails were a bit rough and cracked, as well as my hangnails, when I sensed Juhani's presence.

"Dustil is in the medbay." I nodded, keeping my gaze down. "Revan, I don't understand. How could you…"

"We were just discussing that, Juhani. Sit." Jolee interrupted the Cathar.

"I didn't mean for it to happen." My thumb would require a bit of attention as the skin on the knuckle was cracked.

"What brought this on?" Juhani sounded puzzled and, to my shame, betrayed. I'd betrayed her faith in me.

"He knocked me on my ass. I reached to call my saber back to me when the Lightening came." When Juhani's hand rested on my shoulder, I finally looked up. The understanding, tempered by the pain, broke through the cloudy barrier.

"I've felt so alone. I've been jumping at shadows, not trusting anyone. Malak tells me…" Horrified at what I'd let slip, I clamped a hand over my mouth. The voice in the back of my head berated me.

"Malak tells you? How is it that you still speak to him?" This time, I didn't hear the door slide as Master Vandar walked in. I was in deep poodoo as Mission would say.


End file.
